Will try and not turn this into huge essay but could really do with some advice on where to start with regards to getting my mental health under control:
Brief history:
Parents divorced when I was 6, I have vague memories of my mum throwing a black bag of my father's clothes at him, quite explosive arguments and then me and my sister used to see him every weekend at his new flat.
Can't remember at what age I realised, but at some point I knew he sexually abused me, I know I was around 14 when it ended.
A close family member on my mum's side who was in his 30s at the time (who had some sort of undiagnosed additional needs) asked me when I was 11, if I would "make love" to him when I was 16. I remember this scared me, remember thinking I didn't really know what that meant but got the general gist.
Prior to this he had laid on top of me at the top of the stairs and moved in a sexual way, which again scared me but I froze and didn't know what to do. His brother found us and got him off me but it was never spoken of again.
I was severely bullied throughout high school including being followed home from school and attacked, spat on and chewing gum thrown in my hair. My mum moved me to a different school every 6 months.
My mum and stepdad got married when I was 11, they used to have very heated arguments (caused by my mum) and a few times my stepdad got his belt off and went to hit me, or threw a toy cot at us, my mum during these times would be screaming and shouting at him to stop.
My mum blamed me a lot for things - I remember her shouting at me aged 11(can't remember what about, was just being naughty I think) and she started hyperventilating and telling me "I'm going to lose this baby and it will be your fault!", that kind of blaming happened a lot as a child.
I finally told my mum about the abuse from my dad and also what the other family member did, when I was 19 and her response was looking angry and saying "why would so many men be interested in you?!".
My first relationship was with my childrens' father. I was 23 when it started, he was 43 and he was controlling, abusive and violent. Always accusing me of flirting with his friends, putting me down, not wanting me to wear 'revealing' clothes, used to strangle me when I dared to call him out on things (such as cheating on me) including when I was pregnant. I had three children by him as he always convinced me he loved me...
There are other things such as being followed by a taxi driver telling me to get into his car for ten mins along the street when I was 14, ending up in ned with many unsuitable men and not knowing how to get out of the situation from the age of 16, being cornered by a group of boys my age when I was 14, hands held behind my back while they threatened to touch me... but above are the main things.
How I am now:
I was diagnosed with GAD in 2014 after a few arrests for harassing an ex lover. He also messed with my head and was 27 years older than me, I started going to his house and trying to get him to speak to me etc.
I find it impossible to trust people. I can't make a single decision, even small things like what to have for dinner.
I have no sense of my own feelings on anything, always questioning myself and endlessly searching mumsnet for threads that have similar issues to me.
I have such changeable moods; I'll be quite upbeat briefly and then suddenly my mind just changes and I come crashing down and feel hopeless again. I've always been impulsive, have spent the last of my money in the past on gambling, never want a relationship but always seem to end up in them 'by accident' (I think I get lovebombed and then they mess with my head then dump me), I find it so hard to give affection to my children although I have been able to work on this and force myself to do it...I also don't have any friends, have never wanted any as I don't want to get close to anyone, don't have a job, can't make doctors appointments as I get too anxious, if I do make them I cancel them, I don't go out of the house apart from in the car with my partner...so much stuff is wrong with me!
Not being to make a decision and overthinking is my main issue, as it affects my life in every way - from having stayed in a toxic, affectionless, mildly abusive relationship with a possible alcoholic for 8 years because "what if I'm wrong about him" and because of my guilt complex and also being able to judge situations and people. I'm intelligent but emotionally I feel like a child, I just cannot trust myself at all, can't read people ot situations...
Anyway. Where do I go for help?
My children are now teens and displaying signs of anxiety and issues with boundaries and I need to help myself in order to be able to help them.
Is the GP the first port of call? Last time I phoned them, the receptionist booked me a phone appointment with a mental health nurse but I couldn't bring myself to answer their call.
Thanks in advance, sorry this ended up so long!