Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault. How do you 'forget' it?

[ElleBelleLou]

Hi all

Firstly, sorry if this is long, and secondly sorry if this is in the wrong place. I just need to get it out.
This might be outing, if you think you know me in real life please just pretend you don't.

Also, I am not sure if this is allowed so Mumsnet please take it down if not, or if I've said anything I can't say. I've come here because I can't talk to anybody in real life about this, everybody who knows either can't hear it because of the effect it has on their mental health or don't know how to support me other than the worst pitying looks which I just don't need.

6 years ago, on 24th December 2017, on my birthday night out I was r*ped. By a man I had loads of mutual friends with (we all worked in the nightclub scene together - where everyone knows everyone etc). I'd never actually met him or spoke to him prior to that night. He got me away from my friends under the pretence of going for a cigarette together, spiked my drinks with more alcohol then I was comfortable drinking then stole my bag to get me into a taxi where he dragged me out at what I assume was his house, and did what he did.

Over the last 6 years I've worked hard to move past what happened. For various reasons I never pressed charges - I spoke to the police who took evidence and information from me but I never took it further so he has essentially 'gotten away with it' but it's what I felt was right for me to not relive it over and over and over.
On the whole I'm doing absolutely fine despite it happening. I'm in a loving relationship with a man who knows everything that happened. I no longer fear drinking or nights out. I only within the last year started feeling more free walking around or going on nights out without the constant fear I'd bump into him, as I'd not seen him basically since it happened.

Tonight I saw him. I was walking home with my partner and his family, walking through town when I saw him for the first time in 6 years. Stood right in front of me, a couple of metres away. It looks like he might now manage the bar I used to work in, and he was stood outside that. He looked at me, looked me up and down and gave the most sickening smug smile. I felt sick, I don't know how I walked past him and got to the car like everything was normal but my mind won't stop racing now.

The way he smiled so smugly tells me he knows what he did was wrong (how could he not) and he knows he's gotten away with it. I feel sick that 6 years later he clearly still recognised me. I feel sick that he's still in the area after managing to convince myself he must've moved away. I feel sick that now I've seen him in the flesh it's going to be a regular thing and he'll be everywhere I turn.

My partner knew I was upset, when we got home I just broke down. I told him I'd seen him - he doesn't know who this man is and I will keep it that way forever because I wouldn't want my partner to punch him or something if we saw him again, and drag it all up with police etc - and after consoling me and holding me he said 'just try forget it for tonight'

I need to ask, HOW do you forget it. I thought I'd done so well moving past it but I'm here now with my mind racing, my heart pounding and wondering how I can ever think about anything other than what he did to me and what he made me do.

I would really appreciate any words, advice, even just a message or a chat to take my mind off things as they say. Mumsnet has been a great support to me over the last few years.

Thank you if you have read this far and again Mumsnet I am so sorry if I've put anything I shouldn't have.

I am sending you my very best wishes. I think.it is not something u get over,it's more something u.learn to.live with. I really would consider counselling so u can talk to somebody what has happened. Take care OP

Not the same but I went through a traumatic event which I keep reliving, I'm just starting emdr therapy. It's early days but I can already see a difference in the way I feel when I think about it (I was very sceptical at first but it's really helping). I previously had cbt which didn't help reliving the trauma but gave me a better insight into why I did certain things/why I wasn't to blame for hhe original trauma. Can you approach your gp or maybe a charity hhsg could help? Nothing is going to ever stop you thinking about it but if you can find some support to help your emotions when thinking about it you'll feel much more able to cope (thats my hope anyway).

I'm so sorry you've been through such a horrendous time, OP. You've come so far in six years you really should be proud of yourself.

Where is your partner now? It sounds really insensitive what he said, to 'forget it for tonight' but I'm hoping it was just an unfortunate turn of phrase. But it's sad you have to come online to seek company when he should be there with you while you're so distraught.

Have you had any counselling over past 6 years? Would you consider some now? It would be a pity if tonight's horrible incident undoes all the hard work you've done to get where you are now and I think talking to a professional might really help.

Always remember, there is no statute of limitations on rape cases so it's so good that you reported to the police and they gathered evidence back then.

Hey. I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I know exactly how you feel. I can't even write about it. But I know how it feels and just wanted to reach out and offer a cyber 🫂 hug. I don't know how to get over it. So following the thread for advice...

I wish I had some magic way to tell you how to move past it. I don’t actually know how I move past assaults, other than that all of them are part of me and I’d be different without them. Different but maybe not better, maybe not worse, I don’t know.

One thing I will say is it’s not your partner’s experience to appropriate and although I definitely understand the “he’s going to punch him” fear - male violence is NOT your problem and not your fault. Any man that thinks the sensible solution to men raping women is to punch the men because they feel offended - is part of the problem and not the solution. If it were me in your shoes and I have been there it would be my partners reaction that would be upsetting me/ making me feel triggered. If you feel the same, can you have some time alone?

@BCBird Thank you  I agree, I thought I was doing a good job living with it but tonight has completely thrown me.

@Grasshedgeplants I'm so sorry you went through something traumatic. I've never heard of emdr therapy, I will give it a google. I have had CBT therapy in the past but I didn't find it too useful. I hope I'm not going into too much detail here but part of this assault was this man forcing himself into my mouth until I vomited. That triggered my OCD, that I must have always had, to absolutely skyrocket around vomit and feeling unwell etc. I went to my GP for support which is how I got the CBT therapy but I found my therapist and the exercises focused entirely on how not to be scared of throwing up when that wasn't what I felt I needed support with, I needed support with the cause not the symptom.
Good idea about a charity - I did get a leaflet with information from the police, hopefully I can dig that out and maybe that could be a help.

@Whenwillitallmakesense thank you so much for your kind words. I really have felt proud of myself until tonight, but it's just a knock back I think.
My partner has left, he's staying at his parents tonight for some early morning plan they have tomorrow, I didn't want to be disturbed as I've worked a lot of hours this week and didn't fancy an early morning. Planned before this happened :(
I do think it was insensitive but i don't think he meant it that way. I think he struggles with how to talk about it without making me more upset or anxious. But I am now on my own tonight.
I had CBT therapy but as above it wasn't exactly relevant. I've not had anything further but I think I do need to look into it now, as it's 6 years later and horrible feelings are still so strong even if I could bury them down - so I agree, I need further support. Thank you for your words 

@Weveforgottenwhoweare I'm so sorry to hear that. Don't worry about not being able to write about it etc - take it at your pace. Reach out to the support available and do what you can. Please feel free to DM me if you want to talk further, but for now here's a handhold

I don’t think you do ‘get over it’ but a therapist can help you manage the overwhelm you feel. You’ll never be able to forget that this happened to you. But you can learn to control your body’s response. It sounds like you have to some extent - feeling like you can drink etc. I don’t think many people could see their rapist and not feel overwhelmed in the moment. But the aim is to be able to get back control of your body quickly and not let it take you out for days. I don’t think this is something that is easy to do alone. Therapy would really help. But mindfulness has some good foundations.

If you can, the aim is not to end up in a place where you have forgotten it, but that you have reclaimed your body back and you don’t give this man any further power over you or your body. Easy said than done.

@InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits Thank you for your words, I completely agree with it being a part of you you'd be different without. My lifestyle completely changed after it happened, and looking back I think I have things now I couldn't have had or appreciated had I carried on as I was with the people I called friends.

I know what you mean regarding my partner. He's not a violent man at all, but I think is so hurt for me and what happened that he wants that man to feel that hurt - but can't understand a punch up is just not anything useful. I think it's more a if he knew this man and had him in front of him, he couldn't control himself other than wanting to hurt him how he hurt me. But my fear is that man would press charges against my partner and it would open a whole can of worms and I'd have to talk about what happened and everyone would find out.

I am on my own now, which I part appreciate and part don't - but it does mean I can work past these feelings on my own tonight and start a new day tomorrow. I've had a long bath and a very, very big cry.

@Verymodestmouse thank you for your message, and thank you for using the world overwhelm - that's exactly how I've been feeling tonight but I think I've struggled to describe it.

I love your message, thank you. I do think part of what happened tonight has at least shown me how far I've come - with my OCD I struggle, and when it happened I found myself having dettol baths but then adding bleach onto a flannel and scrubbing myself which looking back was just horrendous but I was quite unwell. Tonight I had a bath - but it was just a long soak and a cry. So in a way, I'm showing myself just exactly how far I've come and how much more I can handle this I suppose?

CBT was mostly useless apart from the session where we did an exercise where I told the therapist what had happened, described it minute by minute and how it felt, what my observations, physical feelings and mental feelings were during the incident. It was a heavy session and I cried throughout. But it was interesting how I haven’t really had much any emotional flashbacks since then and all the other flashbacks of fearing other people’s minimisation completely disappeared after that session. However I also had a young baby which helped with rooting back to reality, not getting sucked into the thoughts, plus the exercise helped. EMDR I think makes you talk through it too but uses eye movements too, heard it can be helpful. But you need to be brave and describe the whole thing in a chronological order and in detail. I was dreading the session but it was one of those leaps of faith and I thought fuck it, I spend so much time in ptsd chaos I might as well spend some time in a constructive and organised way for the first time in my life.

PTSD doesn’t bother me much at all anymore, spent over a decade with it but I feel nearly free from it now. However I still can’t go to places where there is a risk I might bump into my perpetrator, and I can only imagine the horror you felt when seeing him, as I had to share the same social circles and places for a couple of years after the incident and that wreaked havoc to my mental health. Now free from all those circumstances but I absolutely refuse to go anywhere near ‘risky zones”. I would recommend to move away since you can’t guarantee not bumping into him again.

If it’s not possible, you could consider saying something to him, I did, it was very empowering but also stressful. But you need to be the one looking down on him, not the other way round. However dynamics might be very different in your case and it might not be wise but I certainly never regretted any of the things I said, and actually regret I didn’t deal with him even more. But that’s only if he’s “in your face” in the same circles. Moving is definitely better. There is no way you can live peacefully in the same town, but you can heal from ptsd.

@ElleBelleLou Based on your posts I think you are doing very very well. Time is a huge factor, and the various interventions including counseling can make a huge difference too. I don't think you forget, it is more about it not impinging on your thoughts and life less and less over time. This might not be a good analogy, but I see similarities with grief for me personally. I missed my mum so so much, and still do, and think of her every day, but the frequency of missing her and the intensity of the feeling is less over time. Maybe it is something to do with acceptance of something bad has happened and can't be undone? I don't know.

Did you read the book "Body Keeps the Score"? (or better again listen to the audiobook). It deals with trauma in general (sex crimes being one smaller part). It explains what you are feeling is real, it's not just mental. Understanding that really helped me a lot.

I'm also lucky that I have someone I can speak to it about, at various times if I feel the need to. Sadly most people (and majority of women I think!) have little understanding or appreciation of the severity of such crimes, the longer term impacts and so on.

You're doing so well and what happened to you was trauma, you sound like you've done everything you can to move on and heal and you've been so brave. I feel like perhaps the next step would be trauma based talking therapy and perhaps EMDR,
No one should say over the Internet whether this is right for you but please do research it as it might help you process the underlying trauma. Sending you huge amounts of love and support,
You will move past this I promise xx

I don't have any advice that betters what has already been said but I wanted to say I'm so sorry about what happened to you. I hope the impact of it lessens with time.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much, OP.

You don't forget these things, but over time they stop being in the forefront of your mind, and life can go on without remembering and hurting all the time.

I was assaulted when I was about 20 and though I thought at the time that I was OK, in retrospect it definitely affected my behaviour for a while afterwards. A good 20 years or more later, I bumped into my assailant out of the blue and it really jolted me back - but it took far less time second time around to settle down psychologically afterwards.

I had EMDR for a different issue. The first 2 sessions had no effect at all, but suddenly on the 3rd session, it was as though a dam had been breached, all the associated emotions came flooding through and I understood why this different issue had affected me so badly - and it instantly lost the power to hurt me any more. I'd recommend looking into EMDR if you don't feel more settled again very quickly; but don't despair if it doesn't seem to work for you immediately!

Wow you are a true survivor not a victim Op. you are doing amazingly well. I’m sorry that you had to see him again snd I really hope that this doesn’t set you back to square one. I had Edmr for different issues and was good. I came on her for advice for loved one. I think I would probably have moved too but accept why should you have too. Well done on facing him and being with family and partner proving you have gone on with your life and not been destroyed. Take care I wish you well. You are very brave