At breaking point

[DesperateMum12]

Hi, I’m very new to this so nervous and scared that I am going to come across as a horrible parent but I’m at breaking point. I have a pre teen girl in secondary that is going through the autism assessment stage, we have a learning plan in place but that isn’t the biggest issue. The biggest issue is the constantly daily struggle to get her to school, after spending the whole morning standing my ground and eventually getting her in, then have the struggle to often keep her in school. Not getting much support from the school as they expect me to leave work to go find her even though she’s in there care and they know there is history of her doing this. Every single day it is constant arguments, she never listens to a word I say, she doesn’t have any respect for me, will often say hurtful things to me and the last 2 years have been getting worse. I am at breaking point, spending most days in tears or thinking will things ever get better but at the moment it’s the complete opposite. Have absolutely no support from her dad he hasn’t bothered with my daughter in months because he constantly makes excuses but has time for all his other kids. Often lately having to leave work to deal with the next problem because she’s being stubborn and I can’t get through to her. Constantly asking the school, doctors even the local PCSO for help because I don’t know what to do. Every day I dread waking up because it’s another stressful day where I want to give up and run away but I can’t. I love my daughter but I hate the way things are especially her don’t care attitude. Every day it’s a struggle, I get home from work and it’s straight away. Arguments about what to have for tea because if I make something without asking her she refuses to eat, asking her to tidy her room or the front room because she is leaving food around anything and it’s like I’ve asked something unreasonable and another argument starts. As soon as she wants something she’s nice as anything then straight away she’s back to the usual. I really need help but don’t know what to do anymore. Sorry for the rant but needed to get everything off me chest before I explode with all the hurt, stress and upset that I’ve been holding in. Thank you

I don't know if this is helpful to you or not, but if she's "don't care" that possibly points towards her also being at breaking point. She's going through a lot of changes with being at secondary school where everything about it is different to primary school, the work pressure of that compared to primary school, having to make new friends and maybe struggling with that, being generally overwhelmed with it all.

Refusing to do anything, have you heard of PDA? It can be part of neurodiversity so you may be able to get some strategies for dealing with DD from reading about that.

Change can be an issue with neurodiversity so wanting to know what food is coming makes sense. Issues with food, textures, smells etc can be part of it too so you may think there's no reason to refuse a meal but in DD mind she may have a valid reason.

Issues with change could also explain not wanting to do something right away just because you've asked - that would require her to change whatever plan she'd made for herself, even if it was something mundane, to do what you want instead. Maybe it would help if you asked her to tidy her room tomorrow so she had time to mentally prepare for it and factor it into her plans?

Again, I don't know if this is helpful for you, but if there's a long wait list for assessment or assistance, it might help to prepare yourself for the possibility that she needs a lot more input than a regular DC with no particular problems. It could be that you'll need to stop work to become her carer. You could apply for DLA for DD if that's how things end up. Obviously you don't want this to be the way things go but for some people life isn't as simple as they'd prefer it to be.

Wishing you strength at this difficult time 💐. I hope you can find a way of living with whatever the situation turns out to be and make things work for your family.

Also can you join a support group for yourself to talk it through with others in the same situation? It's not all about DD and you mentioned feeling explosive so perhaps you need somewhere to vent.

I can recommend a Facebook support group if you have a profile on there, it's a great help and you might get more responses and advice there as it's specifically set up for parents of Autistic girls. If you do a search on FB groups for Parents of Autistic Girls UK

There is also a well known support group for school attendance/ avoidance and emotional issues, it's called Not fine in school: Family support for school attendance difficulties

Sorry I would link them but I'm on my iPad and don't have FB on it atm x

Having been through similar I strongly suggest you stop forcing her into school and focus on her needs and your own mental health. School isn't working for her.
Concentrate on rebuilding your relationship, then supporting her to find a way of learning that suits her. The learning plan isn't working and needs revisiting. You say assessment is ongoing, does she have an EHCP?

I was an autistic teenage girl who refused to go to school. My mother had a constant struggle to force me into school and keep me there. She never understood things from my side - school was overwhelming, scary, too bright and loud, too many people, I was under constant pressure to interact with people and it was just too complex for me. Not to mention I was being picked on because of my difficulties.

Perhaps you could talk to your daughter about why she doesn’t want to go to school. Explore alternative solutions like a different school, or part time, or home schooling. Involve the school in those discussions. And she needs a diagnosis asap. I was diagnosed through the NHS Right to Choose service, instead of waiting 5 years I was seen within 6 months. I don’t know if this applies for under 18s but you could ask.

Thank you so much for the replies so far.

We often have sit downs and talk through everything that is bothering her and what can be done to help etc. She has said she wants time off from school for a break because she’s struggling with the school work and the teachers, I said to her every weekend she has a break and if she’s struggling with lessons already having more time off is just going to make her get further behind because she doesn’t do school work of any sort at home so things will get worse. Because everyone is off at the weekend she doesn’t feel it counts, I keep saying to her it doesn’t help she is up until stupid o’clock in the morning and that she needs to stop being on her phone all night, she uses it every night to watch asmr videos then in the morning she is shattered so doesn’t want to get up and will sleep all day. I had to take her phone off her last night because things went too far and she was threatening to run away after school, got agressive and started lashing out. She was constantly up and down until gone 1 in the morning. I have suggested that she be moved into a school that will benefit her and her needs and have less pressure, the closest one is a 45 min ish drive away and I’ve been told they won’t look to move her without the official diagnosis. I’ve been told by the assessment people that they are doing the referrals from December 2020 so still looking another year and a half plus, by then she will be in her last year of school doing GCSE’s. I’ve emailed school countless times about the issues and even included the head teacher because the occasions she’s left school and not registered for lessons it’s taken 2 hours to let me know and don’t look for her just tell me to find her and let them know. There’s been many times I’ve had to phone them to tell them she’s not on school premises and they have no idea, one occasion she was with a mate at the local shop shoplifting a vape and gum. Definitely going to look into the right to choose because she needs more help. Also she has in place is the learning plan and the teachers aren’t listening to it and following it through so I’m constantly going back the school to tell them to stick to it. She’s been told she can use noise cancelling headphones to help and she has a exit card but she was shouted at the other day because she was told she was misusing it as she’s standing outside the classroom door instead of going to another room which wasn’t agreed when it was put in place but because she is constantly in trouble she doesn’t get believed. Definitely going to try the Facebook pages to hopefully help. Really appreciate all the support so far.