How do I improve my self esteem?

[confusedlots]

I've recently started counselling due to feeling pretty unhappy and I haven't been able to sort out why in my head. It's starting to become obvious that my self esteem is very low, and I've had feelings of not being good enough since childhood. The problem is that I had a good childhood, no trauma or neglect, nothing that I can put my finger on to explain why I may have developed these feelings.

I know I need to work on improving my self esteem, but I've no idea how to? Anyone been through similar and can give me some tips?

This is a really good, no nonsense book;

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Responsibility-Rebellion-Unconventional-Approach-Empowerment/dp/1544509138/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Thanks @Eyesopenwideawake I'll have a look at that one.

I think loads of people have low self esteem without really being conscious of it.

I think really carefully about how my inner voice talks to me these days. And I don’t listen to my dh who makes me feel bad about myself!

I made a big list of things that other people did or had done that made me respect them. All kinds of things. Playing a musical instrument, giving blood, running marathons, running a business, eating healthily, dressing well etc. Random, everything and anything. I still add to it sometimes now. Then I started doing the things. Not all of them, obviously. Landing on the moon isn't for me, nor is winning an Olympic gold. But I just picked one at a time, and started chipping away at being a person I would respect.

I recommend it. You can start now. Like, right now. Get a pen. Your self respect is your new project. It's not something that just happens to you, it's not something you suddenly 'realise'. It's something you build, and it grows right from when you lay the first brick.

Honestly, go get a pen. Start your list. This is about you respecting you. If you respect worms because they're good diggers, write that. Anything goes. It's all yours.

@Watchkeys fantastic post..brilliant advice!

Thank you everyone, definitely taking all the advice on board!

Do good things for other people. That makes me feel amazing about myself.

Are you a perfectionist? One thing my counselling sessions explored a lot was my need to get everything perfect and the impact on my self esteem when I couldn't/didn't. I also had a lovely childhood but there was an element of 'golden child' (only because my sibling was so incredibly difficult, my parents tried very hard and we both felt very loved) and also at school which I never really lived up to. It's taken a lot of unpicking, still not really there!

@Watchkeys I LOVE this idea!!!

This resonates a lot with me. I've been a people pleaser all my life. I was the good child, the one who never caused any trouble. I did well at school. My sister was more outgoing than me and she spoke her mind, sometimes getting into arguments at home, something I would never have done because I always wanted to keep the peace. I was bullied at school and never told my parents because I thought they wouldn't be able to help and we were a family who never talked about feelings. I kept it all to myself and I was only 14 or 15. I'm only realising now how my childhood has affected the rest of my life, even though so much of my childhood was really great 🤷‍♀️

Well your child hood wasn’t all happy and trauma free if you were bullied and kept it to yourself. Maybe some of that stayed with you.

I love the recommendation from Watchkeys and will be trying that myself.

‘you are a badass’ is a good book too. All the best.

I've learned that the need to please, especially when you CANNOT please some people, weighs very heavily, but it's their issue not mine. I am not responsible for other people's happiness, although I tie myself on knots trying to be. Since my divorce it's felt heavier than ever and that was over a decade ago, but the accusations, largely unfair, stay with me and I'm in a perpetual state of 'not good enough '. Like I said, a work in progress.

You do see that in your latest post, you explain completely a very strong logical argument for why you now feel inferior, don't you? You have actually reached a conclusion to the 'Why do I feel inferior?' question.

You felt bad when you were a kid, and you felt that nobody could help. The reason that you felt nobody could help was because, despite their intentions, you felt that your parents didn't have your back. You felt that your parents didn't have or wouldn't exercise enough power to do something to stop you feeling bad, i.e. you weren't worth finding a solution for.

You felt that you weren't worth it. That was your childhood training. You are a completely normal person with completely healthy boundaries and responses: you learned from your training. The problem isn't you, it's that you weren't trained well.

When we become adults, it doesn't mean that we don't need to be parented any more. It means that we are old enough to parent ourselves. So, you can now do a better job than your parents did. You can have your back. You can give your feelings the importance they deserve. You can prioritise you.

I remember the day I realised I was responsible for myself. Not in the 'I have to pay the bills and go to work' way, but in the 'designing my life/love/company I keep/diet I eat/absolutely everything that happens to me' is up to me way. In the 'I have a fully grown adult human to mother, here!' way. It scared the crap out of me. The 'Oh my god, I actually have to look after me, emotionally, as well as physically and practically!' thing was terrifying. But only for a minute. And then it was like the sun came out, and I realised that if I was responsible, that meant that I was in charge... I was in control... and there was no need to be scared.

You're the boss, @confusedlots . Work out what you love. Work out what you respect. Spend some time doing those things, and you'll be fine. It's all about responding to your feelings, rather than judging them.

In working on improving self-esteem, it can be helpful to explore and challenge negative thought patterns, practice self-compassion, set achievable goals, engage in activities that bring joy and fulfillment, seek support from loved ones or a therapist, and consider keeping a gratitude journal to focus on positive aspects of life.

Amazing posts @Watchkeys so helpful.