I don’t know where to start. I’m married. Two kids. Very depressed. I’d say for the past 3 years it’s gotten really bad. The past 2 years I’ve been suicidal. Never in a million years would I think killing myself would be the best option. I have a good job, family but I don’t really talk about mental health to so I pretend everything’s fine. Been through so much in my life. Nearly dying twice, multiple miscarriages, deaths in the family. I worked through it all like you would. But the only thing that makes me want to kill myself is my husband. He constantly gaslights me, emotionally abuses me, stonewalls, buys food for himself, never takes the kids out anywhere. This year alone I spent new years upstairs in my room alone, Valentine’s Day my brother took me out because he could see how down I was, Mother’s Day he refused to tell the kids to wish me a happy Mother’s Day so spent it alone upstairs. My birthday he didn’t wish me a happy birthday. Now I feel what’s the point in living. I’m tied up where financially I can’t leave. So I’m stuck. My family are too far away, I have no family around and would need to travel 100 miles to see them. I’m so empty I don’t even want the kids to see how down I am. He belittles me everyday. I don’t know how to leave. He’s made his family think I’m a bad mother because I don’t physically play with my kids. I’m so desperate too but I just can’t smile anymore. He doesn’t drive so I take them to appointments. He doesn’t buy any food shopping, doesn’t wash the clothes, doesn’t buy his kids any toys or clothes it’s me, so play dates, clean the the house properly or change the kids bedding. He belittles me because I don’t play with the kids. I’ve been on so many antidepressants to the point I’ve had to stop because people at work question my tremors which seem to be a constant side affect. So I’ve stopped taking them. Am I doing something wrong? Is it me? In the past 20 years we’ve been together he’s slept in our bed for maybe 5 years on and off in total. It’s always his back hurts in that bed or stomach aches. I know the answer is to leave but I don't know how. I’ve told him to his face I want to die, I’ve been on the floor crying wishing I was dead and he just walks over me. He says it’s my fault, I used to think this was the norm In relationship until 5 ish years ago. Then it hit me that I’ve wasted my best years with a man who’s used me. There’s so many more examples that I’m to ashamed to bring up because it’s too traumatic. I had a miscarriage once and he was annoyed I called him back home from his Christmas party because I was bleeding. I was spotting before he left and he still chose to go knowing I was in pain. He threw my pain killers on the floor after ectopic pregnancy because he was tired and had to get up to look after his crying son. He said after two weeks I should be able to look after him. My wounds were still healing and didn’t go back to work after another 3 weeks… bare in mind this was the same ectopic he asked to out with his mates the day I came back home from surgery. We just lost another baby and he wanted to go out with his mates. It wasn’t to grieve or vent it was to go out because he had been looking after our toddler while I was in hospital and he wanted a break.
I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m just asking for ideas to get out of this marriage. I just don’t know where to start. But I know if I don’t do something soon I won’t make it another year. Im
so tired of this all. I sat outside the A&E this weekend with an option of get immediate help, take the pills I brought out with me I had in a bag or go home to the abuse.
I went back home.