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So sad - Father death/Father’sday/alcoholism

7 replies

NotABrag · 18/06/2023 15:45

Struggling today, my father wasn’t a bad man, he had a lot of love. But he was an alcoholic. I’m trying not to be black and white, I’m in therapy. Dad had me as a teen and he died in his 40s so I was in my 20s when he died. In my 40s now.

The last few sessions have been around my life/relationship with him. Like I said he was a loving caring man who wanted the best for us, before the alcohol fully took hold he worked hard but lost his job.

life at home was really up and down, lots of chaos around his drinking. I left home for Uni and didn’t come back a lot because Dad’s drinking got worse.

im exhausted as going through therapy working out the impact my dad’s decisions, my upbringing etc had on me. I’m resilient, tenacious a real survivor.

im just tired and today im
not missing my Dad I’m kind of angry with him.

my DH is going for a meal with his dad and sis and their kids later. I’m just so tired emotionally I can’t face it.

I just feel so so bad though as this is DHs day but I’m so so sad inside I can’t describe it.

OP posts:
NotABrag · 18/06/2023 15:45

Btw DH will go with our children but today I’m just not feeling very strong.

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LilacLemur · 18/06/2023 15:51

My Dad was an alcoholic as well.

It's hard to separate the person from the alcoholic.

I resent him for what trouble he caused to us as a family.

Days where you should be remembering him for being a great dad are tainted with the reminder of reality.

I don't miss mine - it's sad but he ruined his relationship with his family by choosing not to try to overcome his dependence on alcohol. If he had really tried but failed things would have been so difficult.

NotABrag · 18/06/2023 16:04

Thanks @LilacLemur I’m sorry you suffered in the same way. I think after his death I really put dad on a pedestal. I am in a really confused state of mind. I said to DH I really want to come to the meal but I’m just not feeling strong.

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NotABrag · 18/06/2023 16:06

I’m angry. I know everyone has shit but I guess through DH I’m seeing what a father can do for their kids. I guess I’m mourning a happy childhood, or I’m mourning a better childhood. I’m slowly coming round to the realisation that Mum enabled Dad to try keep us together.

I had to grow up pretty quickly due to lots of issues and I just wasn’t a child for long.

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NotABrag · 18/06/2023 16:07

My dad would try, he’d go cold Turkey and sweat and shake for days. He wanted to give up. Sometimes he gave up for 6 months we’d have some normality then he’d be back on the wagon.

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LilacLemur · 18/06/2023 17:38

Mourning what life could have been. That sums it up perfectly. I hope through therapy you learn to move on from the hurt and anger x

NotABrag · 18/06/2023 18:45

Thanks @LilacLemur yes, I think perhaps it’s not even what it could have been but seeing people around me with healthy father daughter relationships - just wondering what I could have been like if I had that. Nothing is linear, I know no one’s relationship is perfect. I know my mum has tried very hard too. But I guess just wondering and angry.

I wish you well too and thank you for engaging

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