Allowing yourself to feel

[Getahobby]

I'm not sure if this is normal or common but I think it might be so hopefully somebody will have some suggestions.

I am so used to blocking everything out and putting on an act of happiness but really I am on edge or really down that now I don't know how to just let it go and be in the moment and feel true happiness. I have happy moments when something makes me laugh or with my DC but I'm never truly there.
I think I'm perhaps not allowing myself to be happy? Being constantly tense or putting on an act means that I in a way miss out on a lot because although I'm there and nobody would ever guess, my mind is elsewhere.

What is the 'everything' that you're blocking out?

Good question because I'm not sure I even know anymore. I think it just started with blocking out horrible things and sadness/anxiety during childhood but over the years it became blocking out general life around me.
So I just exist now but don't live. I think I might be doing it to myself at this point because I can't relax.

When we're young and horrible things happen, blocking them out is pretty much the only thing we can do - it's your mind protecting you from the things you can't understand and have no other resources to counter. But, as you've found, if you continue to block out feelings as an adult you become numb to good experiences as well as bad. Your subconscious is carrying on with the strategy that worked for the young you but it's no longer bringing you any benefit.

The first thing to do is to look at your core beliefs; those 'truths' about ourselves, other people and the wider world that you developed in the first 10 years of life. If your childhood was unhappy or negative then your core beliefs will also be mainly negative - you won't trust people, you will think that you're not 'enough' (insert the ones you recognise - clever, funny, pretty, interesting, loveable or just simply not good enough), you won't have strong self esteem or robust barriers in your relationships and you won't value yourself. This article is really good;

https://www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

The good news is that these beliefs are not fixed - you can change the way your subconscious is currently working and you can change the way you think about yourself.