Not in a good place

[CoveredWithShame]

I’ve made a number of bad life choices and the DC are going to have their lives disrupted terribly as things unravel. I know I must face up to the mess; there’s another thread telling me what I already know, that it will harm them beyond measure if I run away from my mistakes and leave them without a mother. It’s better that they hate me for failing them than for betraying them.

Life has been difficult but I thought I’d got through, that things were sort of good enough. 2020 felt like it was going to be the year everything gelled, but it turned out to be the opposite.

The very worst of it is that I am a shell, incapable of love, and it’s been this way for most of my adult life; I wasn’t imagining it. I’m so ashamed.

What a fucking mess. I don’t even know where to begin.

Hi, life can be shit cant it? But we cant lead a sanitised life and live in a white room making no decisions. We make decisions based on the resources and info we have at the time and the experiences we've had so far. Someone else faced with those issues may have made worse decisions.

When you see a person making terrible, terrible decisions and wonder why they just can’t see it… turns out it was me all along.

I’m so badly out of my depth. I know there are places you can ask for help but it feels beyond that now. Should’ve asked a long time ago.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry things are feeling so hard. I don't have any usual advice other than it's not too late to ask for help. Better now then another few months down the line, when you might look back and think that you wish you'd acted now. Sending you a big hug and a handhold if you want/need them

The thing about decisions is that we work on the information we have about the choices at the time we make them. No one looks at the options open to them and deliberately picks the one that is going to cause the most damage. All you did was decide on what you thought was the best path (and maybe it was - you don't know where the other paths would have taken you) for the reasons that made sense at the time.

The first thing you need to do is stop beating yourself up - because you will just end up beaten. Shame is only a useful feeling if it prevents you doing something that you know to be wrong - feeling ashamed of past choices isn't going to help you so please try to stop.

What help would be useful for you right now? Practical? Emotional?

We can’t undo the choices we made. And we can only do the best we can manage at any time.
If you ask for help now it can start things getting better and not worse.
You have posted in MH. Do you have any specific diagnoses issues? Are you having any treatment?

Thanks everyone.

Yes, Wolfie, sort of. Complex PTSD, but not sure if that’s a formal diagnosis. It’s made sense of a lot of difficulties, joined the dots, you know? The therapist I saw recommended referral to a particular service which was, at the time, closed for referrals; he asked me if it would be ok for him to call me to discuss when it reopened but I never heard anything.

It’s a lonely place, realising how deep it goes but there being no way forward. Carrying it all these years… I’m tired. I felt something was weighing on me more than general ‘depression’. I just don’t have what it takes to be a proper person and with the benefit of hindsight I shouldn’t have carried on trying. Some people are good enough, and I’m ashamed of not being good enough.

By who's measure are you not good enough? When we get told as a child that we're not smart/pretty/good enough we learn to believe it - but it's not true.

Have a look at this article on Core Beliefs, it will help you understand a bit about why you think the way you do;

https://www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

Life isn't set in stone. You CAN change the way you think and feel - I promise you.