Affair.. bereavement.. breakdown

[welshmam4]

I'm 31, married with a toddler and since I was 18, have had an Amazing life with a very lovely man (now husband). I think I'm having a "wobble" this year though and really struggling

I had a bad childhood. My happy memories are with my grandparents, on both my mothers and fathers side. I had a horrible step dad and my mother didn't put a stop to it. I didn't see my Dad growing up. I have reconciled with both parents now but I find myself really struggling with my mother. Now I have a little one, I don't understand how she could allow certain things to happen. And I remember barely nothing - just a few things. She always says how she regrets the "awful things" and if I ever want to talk she's there. But I don't want to. I don't want to relive it. I'm scared of what it is. What I remember is bad enough and that's tiny percentage. When she says that I spend hours crying and days in a bad mood. But even when we have a nice time together I'm not truly myself around her, and I look like and idiot - I am acting out for "no reason"

Then this year I lost my Nan (mothers mother) and Gramper (Dads mother). I was so close to my Nan, and she is the only person in the world I told absolutely everything too. I speak to her daily and visit her grave often but the pain is immeasurable. I have no idea how I will live the rest of my life without her. So I am trying to process that grief. The grief for my Gramper is completely different. Guilt. He was amazing to me growing up and I didn't see him as often as I should in later years. I feel awful that he cared all that time for me, and I didn't for him. My Gran (his wife) is still here with dementia and I really struggle with visits to her because it's very painful. I missed a visit today and tonight I wish I had gone. I feel so guilty. I keep telling myself how selfish I am. They were always there when my parents were awful and now I'm not there for them. Just to confirm my dad was there, I have never missed if I was the only one.

In addition to all this - I cheated on my husband. A few days after I found out my Nan was terminally ill, I was going on a works party and couldn't wait to get drunk and "forget things" for a few hours. I have kissed someone I work with and more since which is even worse. And my husband is absolutely amazing. The other guy has since told me he has feelings and I realised in that moment I have none for him. So what the hell am I doing?! Gambling my life for absolutely nothing. I do get excited when with him - the thrill of something new - but im not even attracted to him. What does that say about me?! No self respect. No dignity. I've never cheated on my husband before and we've been together 13 years. It just doesn't make sense why I am doing it.

I don't even know the point in this post, I just don't know what im doing and I obviously haven't told Told my husband or anyone this and it's just eating me alive (and rightly so). I feel like I'm on edge and about to breakdown at any point but most frustrating to me is why. Why am I doing this and trying to ruin my own life. A life I have tried so hard to build to get away from my upbringing....

That all sounds very difficult. Sorry for your losses. Take time to grieve. Maybe you would benefit from some therapy? Not much more I can say but hope things get better for you.

Sorry to hear about your losses OP. You’ve obviously gone through a great deal and are feeling quite raw. I’m not surprised you feel all over the place.
I’d definitely close the door on the other guy (lock it) but you already know this. Therapy could be one option, talking about your feelings.

Just remember we all make mistakes and to be gentle with yourself right now.

Take care, take time to grieve. Do let us know how you get on. People do care.

welshmam4 you sound like a thoroughly decent person who is in incredibly deep pain and has had the foundations of who she is take a serious knocking, multiple times.

My advice is this.

1. Do not judge yourself. Put it on pause if that feels easier. You can put on judgey pants and hoick them up past your belly button giving yourself a wedgie later if you want, just for now, put them back in the drawer.

1. Get help. You have been through a lot, really a lot. It sounds like your childhood was traumatic. Not the "I didn't get a pony and my parents could afford one" type of trauma, but proper traumatic. You're not alone. It can be ok. Then you've lost your Nan and Gramper. Any one of those three things can destabilise a person. They're Big Deals. They're bigger than you. And as such it can be hard for an individual to deal with it all alone. So if you can afford private therapy, find someone with experience in trauma (not because you should talk about your past, but because if you want to mention it, at least the person is experienced in a way that can be helpful - keep your options open). If not go to the GP and get on a waiting list - but please tell the GP some detail, exactly like in your post. You could even just give her a print out of it. Don't just say "I'm feeling down". And don't delay this, because the longer you're not on a waiting list, the longer you've got to wait and getting a GP appointment can take time too! In the meantime, read anything you can about grief of grandparents and parents (as they're typically closer than grandparents so you may have a crossover of shared experiences there). I don't have links, but there's a lot online. Am suggesting that because it may help you feel less alone and also find ways other people have dealt with such a deep loss.

1. Try do do one thing every day that makes you feel good. Doesn't have to be big and you're not betraying anybody's memory by allowing a few good hormones and neurotransmitters to flow either. It will help stabilise you.

1. Try to get outside every day and if possible at least for a 10 min walk, if you can't do other exercise. As above, it'll help take the edge off - and even a tiny bit is better then nothing.

1. DH. Do not tell your DH about the cheating right now. I think his potential reaction is too much for you right now, especially as it wasn't a one night stand. Leave that be. Unless worrying about his reaction is actually worse, but you need to tell him basically what you said in the post, rather then give the impression that you just fancied a fling. If you don't tell him now, do pay attention to your actions in the relationship. Don't suddenly start trying to sexually please him more than usual as he'll look back and feel even more betrayed. Please tell him you're really struggling with everything right now though. Don't keep that a secret.

Re your Gramper, he loved you. He didn't need you to visit him to love you, he just did. Because of that I'm quite sure he'd be sad to know how bad you feel about not visiting and how much you're beating yourself up about it. Is it possible to remember the love he gave you and let the good feelings you had when you were with him be his legacy, his lifelong gift to you, rather than let them be overshadowed by something else?