Would my child be better off without me?

[AllTheChaos]

Don’t know where to post this, and would request un-Mumsnetty kindness please, because I am desperate and don’t know what the hell to do. Sorry I’m advance for
long post.
Have been suffering from long Covid for the past two years, with symptoms very like Parkinsons (tremor, brain fog, fatigue etc.) Have had brain scans and clear. Had cognition and memory tests too, and have just been told by the neurologist that the memory results are too poor for someone functioning as well as I seem to be, and with my cognition scores, and that therefore they think it’s anxiety. I asked (politely) how anxiety would cause me, immediately following a bout of Covid, to lose 4 stone in weight, lose my memory function, stop me walking properly, give me the shakes, and make me permanently exhausted. For two years. He just shrugged. I asked if the fact that I have a high IQ (not boasting, Mensa tests at school showed over 170) could be throwing things off. Again just shrugged.

It’s now being written off as long Covid / just another anxious middle aged woman, and I’m on my own. This is private as GP said NHS waits are so long (if it makes a difference). I am now, to put it bluntly, fucked. My insurance, which has been paying me a half salary through all this, just enough to survive, won’t keep paying out for a diagnosis of “it’s all in her head”. The neurologist won’t deal with long Covid, and GP has warned that the waiting lists for those clinics in London are v long. I’ve been sort of working a few hours a week, but because I can’t remember what I’ve read, what I was doing, and get so tired, I’m really not productive enough for my company to retain. They’ve done their best to support, but again, can’t keep doing that for “all in her head”. If I could get to a long Covid clinic I could try for help there, but no idea how to do that or how long it would take. Am also trying to get my DDs autism assessment etc sorted out. And am permanently exhausted and confused and relying on post it notes to remind me of what I need to do. Also reliant on my 70 year old to look after me and DD.

If I carry on, and lose my job and insurance, that’s it. We lose the house, have to leave the only area my Dd knows,
leave family and support network, and go wherever is cheap enough that the bit of equity I have can buy a house outright. God only knows what we’ll live on as I don’t know if ‘maybe long Covid,
maybe just a hysterical female’ qualifies one for universal credit. They’re no chance of staying with family, that’s just my mum in her one bed rented flat, on state pension. I don’t (and won’t) get maintenance from my ex. House is a little 2-up, 2-down, so no chance of lodgers. Mortgage is more than £2k monthly, so it’s a lot to find each month before we even eat.

The only two solutions I can see are (1) DD lives with her dad (if he’ll have her) in his tiny flat, with none of her things as he’s already said if she moves in she has to get rid of it all as he doesn’t have room, but he’s just down the road at least so near school and my mum, but I live away and try to survive somehow, and maybe get to see her sometimes in the holidays; or (b) I just jump in the river, life insurance pays the mortgage and gives DD and ex an income for the next 15 years, so she can stay put and not worry about money. Honestly I can’t see any way where she and I get to stay together without her life being massively messed up. So, do I leave her or top myself? Because honestly, those are the only two realistic options I can see.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time and it sounds so frustrating that you're unable to get more help. I really feel for you.

In a word: no, your child would absolutely not be better off without you. Even with everything you are dealing with and potentially losing your income etc. Bluntly, the trauma of losing a parent / primary carer would outweigh any of the benefits to her.

Also things feel bleak now, but may improve in the future. Your daughter needs you.

Could your ex have your DD more often?
Could you downsize to a flat with a smaller mortgage still within the area?
Could you seek a second medical opinion?
Could you contact an autism charity or advocate for support with your daughter's assessment?
Could you look into tech that will help you, eg recording conversations so you don't need to remember them?
Get onto every waiting list for every long Covid clinic you can.

Good luck. Take it day by day.

I'm so sorry for all you're going through OP. I hope you get the help you clearly desperately need.

Please don't do option 2.

As someone who lives with the consequences of a parent deciding to do exactly option 2, I beg you not to.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

OP, can your company offer you retirement on health grounds? Would that give you enough to live on?

Hi op. I’m so sorry you are going through such a hard time. It sounds really tough. Your dd would never be better off without you. Please do not think this. Someone else will be along who is more articulate and explain this better shortly I’m sure.

I just wanted to say that my symptoms with the menopause have been similar to what you are experiencing. I’ve also had covid, twice. The dr has put my symptoms entirely down to the menopause. I just wanted to suggest this incase you had nt considered it, I’m not saying this is what is causing your symptoms. I don’t know your age, but is it possible that you are peri-menopausal and this is making your symptoms worse?

I simply could not read and leave, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

You need to speak to someone close to you about how you are feeling, that could be your partner, your mum or someone else in your support network. I think you should also speak to your GP about the kind of thoughts you're having.

You need to to think of your daughter and the role you have in her life because I promise you her life is everything with you in it. The way you have thought through all situations, outcomes and alternatives shows how much you love and care for her. You are her support system, her home and her comfort, that life of care and love with you is all she knows.

Please breathe, and speak open and honestly with someone you trust. I promise you all of the lives around you are enriched by you. I hope you get the help and answers you need.

I don't have the practical solution but I know (without doubt, because I'm a trauma therapist) that kids always always do worst when their parents choose suicide. I'm sorry.

Financially kids need little, they don't need a lot of room at home, they don't need their toys. They don't need luxuries. They do need their mum.

They'll be another solution OP, there always is. Let's see what mumsnet mind can find.

I know you don’t think it is caused by anxiety but what if you accepted this as a diagnosis so that you can still be signed off work while you are unwell? Could you get a referral to a psychiatrist so that you can be formally diagnosed with an anxiety disorder? If it is anxiety then it is seriously debilitating for you .

sorry you are going through this

I could not read and not reply. I can see you are in a lot of pain emotionally and physically right now. The pain you are feeling will not last and you will get through this time in your life, things will get better. Your child needs you more than money and material things, option 2 is not an option please do not consider this
Please contact your gp and let them know how you are feeling and also refer you for counselling/ talking therapy
Praying for you right now

I don’t have any concrete answers for you, and I’m so sorry for that.

What I will say though, is my mum who raised me as a single parent, was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in her forties. Alongside the many physical symptoms, she fell into a deep depression and we were financially bereft. For many years, it was very very hard and parts of my childhood involved facing huge challenges whilst still very young. There are lots of things maybe she or I could or should have done differently.

I can say with complete certainty though, without a flicker of hesitation, that I would face every single one of those challenges in a million lifetimes over the option of having lost her to suicide.

Your story isn’t over- your daughter’s is barely beginning. The world will not be a better place if you leave it. You are needed and you are loved.

OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I don’t have much to offer but practically here’s what I’d do:

• work out how much living expenses would be if everything cut to the bare bone. If it’s just you and DD would you be able to move to a super cheap area and buy a flat outright with your equity? Even if it means going to a 1 bed flat and you sleeping in the living room - a school move is less traumatic than a mothers suicide
• if that’s not possible, present as homeless to the council
• research all benefits available - even if they think you’re feckless and workshy there’s something. And an anxiety diagnosis that stops you working could still count as a disability
• can you move in with DM?

I promise that suicide won’t fix this. And your DD won’t have a better life, even if she does have more money.

Your daughter loves you and needs you, you are her rock (and her dad doesn't sound great). As PPs have said, the worst trauma that could ever happen to her is losing her darling mum to suicide. There is a lot of help out there but I imagine with your symptoms navigating it is really difficult. Do you have a friend you can trust and ask for help? Please don't be proud. Your local authority should have an 'early help' service please google it and self refer or ask you gp to refer you. Please also let you DD's school know what's happening- she is likely to be classed as a young carer and maybe entitled to support.
(Ps The life insurance also wouldn't pay out for suicide I'm sure).

No. That's the answer to your title question. My aunt's (family friend really) father killed himself when she was a child. She's in her 70s now and has never gotten over it.

I too have an illness that leaves me feeling like yours does - for periods. I have thought my kids would be better off without me. I have made clear plans before and around my town are places I've thought about doing it (ironically when I feel like that I'd not be able to get to them, but I never think about that when the brain fog is so dense!). Anybody could parent better than me when I'm like that, right? But no. Because what kids want is to have hugs and be listened to. To feel they're important and cared about and loved. Everything else comes second. Your daughter truly needs you. You are utterly irreplaceable to her. Even the fittest, healthiest, loveliest woman in the world, doesn't, and never can, come close to how important you are to her.

What you're going through is absolutely awful though. It's unfair that you have these symptoms and have to wait. It's ridiculous that when you're unable to function - for any reason - that you're expected to be able to support yourself or essentially risk losing your child to your ex. It's even more insane that when people are this ill and in charge of bringing up a child that there's not more help available both to get medical care faster and to support the child living with their parent, because that's in the child's best interests. I can't tell you what the answer is, but please know that the situation you're in should have a lot more support. You're not failing, you're being failed.

No matter how bad it is,m though, I promise you that your daughter needs you more than any insurance payout.

And maybe worth mentioning that some insurances don't pay out if it was a suicide.

Suicide just transfers the pain to those left behind. Please don't do this to your daughter.

There are benefit calculators on Gov.uk and the Turn To Us website. They'll give you a good idea of what you can receive on Universal Credit. Money paid towards mortgages on Universal Credit is a loan against the property and paid on interest only, also it will not be paid immediately. However, it can help you stay in your home till your daughter is grown. Details are here. www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/benefits/benefits-to-help-with-housing-costs/support-for-mortgage-interest#canigetsmi

OP please don't. I speak from experience as someone who was on the brink to finish it all and the only thing that's pulled me from doing it was my son.

I thought "But if I do it, who's going to look after him?". I'm not a single parent but my husband is useless. And when I say useless, is really monumentally useless on a practical level. He doesn't even know where the gas meter, how to pay for DS school dinners or even how much rent we pay (strong contender for most useless husband on MN!).

There's good advice above and I don't want to repeat it but what I wanted to say is that your daughter needs you and nobody else. She will not be better off with nobody else and if we ever thought that our kids would be better off without us is a measure of how good parents we are. Shit parents think they're wonderful (hello to my own mum 👋🏼).

I'll be praying for you 🙏

*will not be better off with somebody else! Learn to write properly Mars (slaps herself in the face)

No your daughter won't be better off without you. You choosing to leave her will ruin her for life. She won't understand the financial/medical decision making process. She'll just feel you didn't love her enough to stay even though that's not your thought process.
There must be another answer ❤️

I'm sorry I can't offer and advice but if you want or need to keep talking we will offer what support we can.

She would be so much worse without you.

I wondered about peri menopause as well. I have fibro and my brain fog is sooo much worse as I approached menopause. Have they done basic bloods? Plus if they’re saying it’s anxiety have they offered treatment for that? I have anxiety and depression which are both managed really well by medication and CBT techniques.

No you will ruin their life forever. It will affect every relationship they ever have and will affect the children that they could have. Would be absolutely devastating.

As a pp said, maybe you are better off accepting it as anxiety for now and asking for a referral for that. When you speak to a medical professional about that they may then see it’s not anxiety.
Or ask to try anxiety meds and see if they help - if they don’t then you know it’s not anxiety and can request your physical health is looked at again. Taking anxiety meds would be better than option 2.
At least with a severe anxiety diagnosis you might receive some benefit help to ease your situation temporarily.

OP I know of a child who had major neurological impacts from Covid similar to what you describe. After months and months of horrific symptoms, including pretty much paralysis, the paediatricians and ‘specialists’ started saying it was psychological and anxiety etc. His mum was having none of it and fought and fought and researched and researched and eventually managed to get the Trust (against their ‘better’ judgement) a treatment that is usually used for MS patients.

IVIG therapy is what he had. It’s been miraculous. He was unable to walk, vomiting all day long, having constant strange seizures, massive weight loss etc for months before it and within a few days of treatment woke up, said he felt better and is now back at school and playing sport etc. So little is known about long Covid but my friend strongly believes long Covid is an autoimmune\inflammation disorder.

IVIG is expensive and not (yet) a recognised treatment so she met massive resistance in the medical community but thank god someone with power thought it was worth a try. So if I was suffering like you are, I’d be fighting for that treatment. Even if I had to fundraise and pay myself.

ps. I’m not a doctor!

Oh and I also think no harm getting treated for anxiety because even if that’s not what’s causing your issues, I’m sure your issues have given you anxiety at this stage! You’ve been through so much.

What you are going through is awful and unfair but please don’t end it op. I have experience of suicide in my close family and we are still feeling the effects forty years on.

Also, “I committed suicide so you could thrive” is a hell of a thing to do to a child.

Go and visit debt and housing charities. Visit Step Change, Crisis, Citizens Advice to get some pre-emotive advice.

Get another gp if you can and rattle some cages. Sell something and go and visit a long Covid specialist even if they are on the other side of the country. Get financial advice. Visit your MP. Go on Twitter and Facebook . Start campaigning. Get your story picked up by local and national press. Get a friend or neighbour to help you with all of the above. Keep meticulous notes on your phone. Do not give up.

@AllTheChaos please let us know how you are