Severe anxiety and burn out with 10 month old baby

[Berangere]

My DS is 10.5 months old and I’ve suffered with postnatal anxiety since he was born - mainly amped up first time parent worries, especially making myself so burnt out trying to breastfeed that I made myself ill. As he’s got older I’ve been able to relax a bit more but the last 2 weeks I feel on edge of some sort of breakdown.

We moved house in very stressful last minute circumstance, the first 1.5 weeks were plagued with illness - horrid gastro bugs especially for my DH, sleepless nights all round with DS too.
I don’t feel any way settled or happy, I am so burnt out from solo parenting, DH snapping at me where he’s been ill etc, trying to keep up with life/making food/dealing with teething and Weaning issues/cleaning/getting out the house.

I feel an acute anxiety every time I have to look after DS in the house, especially by myself, maybe it’s because it doesn’t feel anywhere like home yet, he’s a bit challenging where he’s cruising and beelining to the most dangerous thing. I try to keep him busy out and about, but too many plans overwhelm me and I can’t keep up factoring in food and naps.

I feel burnt out from maternity leave and I’m just not enjoying it anymore, i resent each long day I have to keep my baby entertained - and I’m a naturally anxious person about sleep, naps, food, milestones etc. I go back to work in a month and I can’t wait, I know logistically it will be so hard (I will still do 90% of parenting, nursery drop offs, cooking etc due to DH’s commute which can’t be helped) but I need purpose that isn’t looking after a child. I hate that I feel like this and I dont want it sounding like I don’t love or want him because I do and he’s brilliant.

I don’t know what the point of this post is other than asking what can I do? I feel so lonely and like a shit mum. Is there any support I can access - is it too late??? Or is it a case of waiting it out for the next big life change?

Have you received support for your post natal anxiety?

You've got a lot on your plate. I'd be going nuts with everything you have to deal with! You're not a shit mum. You're overwhelmed. But you're still mothering. That's bloody amazing and I know you're exhausted. It's alright @Berangere you're doing what needs to be done and that takes a lot of strength.

You're doing brilliantly, it's so hard. I hated my first maternity leave, literally counted the days till I could go back. Weirdly with my second I absolutely loved it and was dreading going back to work 🤷‍♀️

Things that helped me:

• my GP spotted that I had signs of postnatal depression and referred me for counselling, which was great
• towards the end I made a point of going for a coffee with DS asleep in the pram for every morning nap. I just found that getting out of the house early gave my days a bit more structure
• I started to plan in something to do without DS every week or two - seeing friends, hairdresser, even just going for a walk without the pram - which helped me remember who I used to be before he was born

Good luck!