My mental health has never been great but I’m usually the push through type and tend to just crack on.
The last few weeks I’ve been getting worse and worse and worse. I don’t even know what’s triggered it to be honest. I’ve had things going on in life but these are relatively minor things that other people cope with regularly and shouldn’t really warrant how down I’m feeling. Things like- I’ve recently had a new promotion at work and I hate it, it’s challenging and there’s very little management support. My Dad has recently been poorly. I was dating a guy briefly who dumped me after we slept together.
I’m just struggling to do anything at all. When I’m at work I end up having to go to the toilets multiple times a day to compose myself/cry/have a panic attack. I’m distracted and can’t concentrate and feel on edge and panicky all the time. I’m barely sleeping, on average I’m getting maybe 2-3 hours a night in broken chunks then relying on coffee to get me through the work day which I imagine is making my anxiety worse. I used to go to the gym which did help but I can’t even get through the door at the minute. I’ve went 3 times in the last week and just sat in the car crying instead of going in. I’m lonely all the time yet I can’t bring myself to meet up with friends/family and the thought of doing anything social brings on a panic attack.
I look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see, this isn’t the life I wanted for myself but then I look at myself and think no wonder I’m a failure at everything. I’m overweight, not pretty and really don’t have anything going for me at all. If it wasn’t for my Dad I don’t think I’d be here anymore because life just isn’t worth living anymore. It’s too hard. But then I keep thinking that I’m probably just a burden to him so maybe his life would be better if I wasn’t here. I love my dad but I can’t tell him how I feel because he’s very much from the “put up and shut up” generation. I wouldn’t actually do anything but I hate feeling that this is the only option I have to ever feel better.
The GP has recently increased my mirtazapine to 30mg but it’s had no real benefit although in fairness it is probably too soon to tell. I spoke to my manager about how I was feeling but she pretty much brushed me off and said “we all feel overwhelmed at the moment”. I asked for an occupational health referral but apparently there’s a 4 week waiting list for a counsellor. I’m debating speaking to the GP for a sicknote to cover this period but I’m worried everyone at work will hate me and to be honest, I’m not sure spending a month moping around the house is going to make me feel better either. I also don’t know if I would qualify for sick pay as usually you have to be there 6 months and I’ve only been in my new job 5 months although this was an internal promotion and I’ve actually been employed there for 4 years.
I just don’t know what to do and I can’t see a way out the darkness to feel better anymore.