Am I depressed again?

[batmansnan]

The past few years of my life have been horrendous - loss of relatives, major narcissistic trauma from a family member (professionally diagnosed - I'd never use that word unless I meant it), loss of income and I've now been battling with infertility for the past two years.

Last month I had an early miscarriage (first pregnancy too) and I just feel like I can't take anything else.

I constantly feel numb and like everything's going fast around me but I'm just staying still. I have no energy whatsoever yet I'm not sleeping too much. Small tasks exhaust me and I find it extremely difficult to find motivation. I feel consumed with pure sadness yet this emptiness - it's very hard to explain. I do very little around the house or any hobbies as I just can't seem to pull myself together. If I was on my own I would more than likely just sit on the sofa all day and night.
I have suffered with major depression in the past however I don't know if this is simply a reaction to everything I'm going through, if I'm actually unwell or if it is depression. I've felt this way for around 3 years now and I don't feel like I'm fully in a depressive episode?

The best thing in my life is my husband who is truly incredible but as every month passes with negative after negative pregnancy test I can't help but feel like he would be better off without me.

Does this sound like depression or is it just situational? Does anyone have any tips to drag me out of this hell hole i'm trapped in? I have seen a therapist on and off but unfortunately I'm not gaining anything.

If anyone can offer any advice that would be so appreciated 😞

Yes it sounds like depression but how would you manage it differently if it were grief/situational or a depressive episode? Either way you should seek help because it's affecting your life to a great degree.

So sorry you're going through this.

@melchim

I'm not really sure. Last time it was depression without any concrete reason but this just seems like life events that I can't seem to tolerate.

Thank you

I am sorry for your loss. I think trying to conceive can be incredibly stressful for many women and it is understandable that you are finding it difficult.

I know I couldn't think about anything else when I was trying. It can feel like it takes everything over. I know it's easy to say, but I think it's important to try to find even small things that give you pleasure or distract you- regular walks/baths/trying to see people.

I would also say, if you're seeing a therapist but it's not helping, would you consider trying a different therapist? Sometimes people don't click/different forms of therapy just don't work as well for everyone.

Personally, I have found therapy that encouraged mindfulness and focused on creating "a life worth living" very helpful in the past. It also helped deal with past (and current) trauma. It was called DBT, a particular form of CBT.

@TheYear2000

Ttc has definitely completely consumed me - I'm like a shadow of my previous self. I take everything so seriously now and just don't recognise who I am anymore as I just cannot focus on anything other than infertility.

I have heard of DBT - I think this could be helpful for me. I am currently on the waiting list to see a different therapist (only been on it for a year yet I'm already in the system 🙄) as I can't afford private as I'm saving every penny for ivf which is looking more and more likely each month.

I just feel so hopeless and empty all of the time and see no way out.

I'm so sorry OP. It's really tough.

When I was really worrying about infertility, I looked at resources from Gateway women, a group for involuntarily childless women. Of course, there is no reason to think that Will be you (or me) but I felt better sort of knowing what the worst case scenario would look like and considering it.

There's a thing in DBT called radical acceptance, where if there's something really difficult that you can't control, you learn to "radically accept it" rather than trying to fight it or control it, when really that just takes up energy and doesn't solve the issue. That's not to say stop trying to conceive, of course not, but perhaps try to radically accept that you are doing all you can and that there is nothing more you can be doing at the moment. Try to take some of the weight or pressure off yourself by accepting the reality of the situation- that trying to conceive is difficult and take a long time and unfortunately you can't control it.
All the best op and good luck accessing more useful support.