I have pnd and I know people keep saying it will get better and people overcome this but I honestly can’t see it. I can’t picture a future, I just feel filled with dread every day I wake up, I feel like life will never be the same, I just look at everything so differently now and everything scares me. I am so triggered by every little piece of news/ cancer advert/ storyline on the telly. I just spend my day avoiding anything that would upset me. If I see something / get a thought that scares me there is no room in my brain for it being a possibility, I just picture it 100% happening.
I’m almost 11 months pp, the day my baby was born I can remember frantically googling cancer symptoms while I was still in the hospital- which I now feel SO guilty for because that should have been the most precious day but I was just consumed with the thought that my baby was finally here and I was going to die. Everything makes me cry, I feel raw like I’m just waiting for something to set me off every day. Even happy things trigger me- My baby has just started crawling and instead of this being a happy time I just cried all day because I pictured the baby dying/ me dying and not being around for his future or him not reaching any further milestones. I feel like I’m being tortured every single day by my brain. I’m on day 2 of sertaline after trying a previous antidepressant that didn’t work, I have also just cancelled my therapy sessions and I’m looking for someone who I click with a bit better. I just want to know when this will end.