Should I accept my lot in life?

[ThePensivePig]

I've had mental health problems for as long as I can remember. I first saw a psychiatrist when I was eight, for hair pulling (trichotillomania). I had a tough childhood, with domestic violence, emotional abuse and neglect. My parents divorced when I was 12 and my Mum had problems with addiction so we lived in poverty. As soon as I could, I worked like crazy alongside school work to make sure we got fed. I was always afraid of having our utilities cut off, we often had bailiffs at the door and so on. Thankfully school was a safe haven and I did well there.

I went to university at 18. My mental health was often awful and I struggled on and off with depression, anxiety and strange delusions. Somehow I clung on, finished my course and got a degree.

I spent my 20s working hard and hopping from city to city, house to house and job to job. I'd earn as much as I could while I was able to, so that when my mental health crashed, I could take a few months to recover before starting the cycle all over again. I never asked for professional support for my mental health, just ploughed on when I could and took time out when needed.

I met my DH when I was well and in work. We got married and a couple of years later, DS1 was born. Before long, I was dealing with puerperal psychosis. DH was a fantastic Dad and husband and supported us emotionally, practically and financially. I eventually got better, came off the medication and two years later, DS2 arrived. I then enjoyed a period of stability, so I went back to university, retrained and returned to work when DS1 started school. Unfortunately my mental health problems got in the way and I had to resign.

I devoted myself to family life, staying as well as I could and doing voluntary work. I was finally diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and put on the right balance of medication. I'm much, much better now, but not exactly symptom free. I've had counselling and psychotherapy, which has helped.

I'm now 50, with young adult DCs. I'd love to finally achieve something professionally. I feel left behind in life because I've spent so much time being ill. When I'm well, I'm very capable and would love the satisfaction of making the most of my talents and skills. When I'm not well, I struggle with even basic tasks.

I honestly don't know whether to work on accepting what is, focus on staying well and enjoying the positives in my life (good relationship with DH, my DSs being fantastic young men, steady home life, lovely dog). I just feel disappointed that I never lived up to my potential in the world of work. Do others with chronic health problems feel the same way? What helps?

Is it possible that you would have had mental health problems no matter what child hood you had ? Do you think that your problems might be genetic/hereditary ?

Hi OP
I found your post really inspiring. You've been through so much and have raised two wonderful children despite severe challenges in your childhood and throughout your life...you managed to break the cycle and I think that's just amazing.

In terms of you feeling frustrated you don't feel you excelled in your work...I think if you can find a way to navigate yourself out of thinking this way it would be for the best. If things had been different and you felt like you had achieved more in your professional life, perhaps you would be wishing you had spent more time focused on your children or something like that. Work doesn't define who we are. It's how we treat people and our values that count most.
Also, you never know what's around the corner and a job may come up unexpectedly.
I think your story is amazing and that, if you can, you should bask in the fact you have worked incredibly hard for yourself and your family, which is the most important, rewarding and hard work of all.

You deserve to celebrate yourself and your achievements which have come about against the odds.
Perhaps instead of thinking about work you could try out a new skill - something creative or practical, and see where that takes you, and see how that rewards you in different ways - give yourself the chance to play and try things out which perhaps you didn't get the chance to do when you were a child.

Thank you for sharing your story, I found it immensely inspiring - as someone who has always struggled with mental health and a traumatic childhood I am inspired by all you have achieved.

OP, I don't know if you'll see this as it's a while since your post but I found it as I was searching schizoaffective and just wanted to say, as the previous poster did, that your story is inspiring and you are amazing! I think you should do whatever you wish to do, but know that you have already achieved so much against such adversity and you should definitely give yourself credit for that, I hope you do! xx

I am in a similar boat but have bi polar. Type 2 so I have a couple of years of wellness followed by a year of crippling depression.
I have accepted I will never have a fulfilling career. I got fed up with making a couple of years progress then feeling I was letting people down when I couldn’t work. It would only really be possible for me to have low skill jobs now after a long break to care for our children. I am naturally quite ambitious so I don’t want to do that.
It helps my DH is a decent earner and just wants me as well and happy as possible.
I don’t think anyone ends their life wishing they had spent more time at work. I think if you are volunteering and doing your share at home you should feel proud of that.

@DustyLee123 i don’t see the point of your post, the op is where she is. There is also lots of evidence the type of childhood she describes can cause these mental health issues. Why would you want her to start worrying about her sons?

OP I think you are absolutely amazing and inspiring.

I think you are amazing too. You have just got on with things even though you have been really poorly .You have achieved more than me !
if you really want to do it go for it and take all the extra help that is available these days but do you think it’s a case of not feeling enough. I suffer with that and a lot of people prone to mental health problems I think often feel this. I try and practice CBT to stop feeling this way . I think you owe it to yourself to do whatever you will find enjoyable and will make you feel better rather than something that will push you to your limits and not necessarily be healthy if that makes sense?

I have physical issues that pose a barrier and can feed into psychological. My advice is that staying well and enjoying positives is your foundation, it has to be! But you want something more too, so just pick something you love and go from there. I prioritise so I have really honed on what I love physically as I only have so much I can give, so do what interests you.

Hi OP, I know how you feel. I'm younger than you (32) but my life has been affected by health issues that have held me back from having any sort of career. I can't even work full time any more - I used to have a full time job (albeit entry level) but last year became visually impaired which is essentially a permanent disability for me, and I now work part time. Having to accept that I probably won't be able to do more than this ever again is very hard, but ultimately it's about being grateful for what I do have and can achieve, and being as well and happy as I can be.

I also have mental illness and have done for a long time so I know how you feel. I try very hard not to beat myself up for what is out of my control. We can't choose our health, we can only do as much as we can and try to make the best of our lives.

I have this feeling too op. Similar age, 3 dcs, degree and childhood physical abuse and neglect with mother prone to addictions.

Like you, I have struggled with mental health issues from an early age (not the same diagnosis but my issues are most likely a result of my upbringing plus bullying at school).

Before dc I managed to work full time and hold down jobs that were way below my potential capabilities and sometimes this was a struggle. I managed to get a mortgage on a flat before meeting dh who excelled int he workplace. We now have a comfortable lifestyle and no need to work again.

However, I am always left with this feeling that I've not done enough. I've not been what I was supposed to be (whatever that was). I drove myself to achieve academically as a distraction and as a way of seeking approval/love from my parents - to no avail. I'm looking back at this now and reflecting upon it and some hard truths are hitting me. I find it difficult not to be achieving/striving. And it is difficult when others say do what you love because I have honestly had no clue until recently as I have usually put others first. I feel a strong sense of having failed.

I'm trying to build a life full of interests/focus on my dc and hopefully move on to some voluntary work - but I always have this nagging feeling in my mind of it not being enough. I am too young to officially retire but don't think any work I get now would give me satisfaction as I don't feel like I want to retrain (enter the perimenopause which has been the final straw really).

No advice op but I understand completely what you have written. Congratulations on bringing up your dc as you have done. It is no small task - people tell me this and I think to myself well it is not having achieved anything special - but I think it is op, for people like you and I who didn't have any role models in the first place.