This is new for me to feel like this, not sure why but I thought I'd write on here. I'm usually the type to take whatever life throws at me and power through. But I am just starting to feel a bit down in the dumps.
Overall I'm a really happy, energetic person who feels like the luckiest person in the world to have 3 lovely children.
I guess I keep powering through and reached a point where I'm trying to take it all in and feeling a bit sad! In 2019 we lost my MIL which was difficult for us all, then in 2020 I lost my closest and most dearest friend in a car accident. My other close friend (her twin) is obviously struggling immensely so I never want to put anything on her and feel I've lost my two best friends and got no one to talk to.
On another issue, we live next door to my mums old partner (so the person who used to be my stepdad), and he gives us trouble a lot, reporting us for things we haven't done e.g. building something without planning, but worst of all I was sexually abused by him as a young child and I hate that we have to live next to him. Two months ago he asked if we want to buy his house which I was immediately excited and happy about - the prospect of not having him near us - but the reality is that we can't afford it, so it just felt as though a carrot was dangled and it felt like a possibility to have him gone for the first time in 15 years but not a likely one due to finances.
I just had my 3rd baby at the end of January (a little girl this time). I'm besotted with her and feel incredibly lucky. I've worked at my job for 15 years and felt even more lucky to have a good maternity package of 90% pay for 9 months (due to my length of service in the company). I worked up until the day she was born so I could enjoy a full 9-12 months with her; and really relax but then 3 months in, I was put in the pool for redundancy, so now the good maternity package is at stake, and I can't relax and enjoy- I now need to look for another job. It's a bit daunting as I've been there since I left school and put my all into that company. It's everything I've ever known work wise and it's suddenly gone.
We also didn't have the best start with my DD, she needed intensive care and a transfer to a specialist hospital - all is fine now but those special first weeks weren't as lovely as you hope for.
I guess it's all just started to feel a bit much. Don't get me wrong I'm so grateful for everything I have, I really am. Just feeling sad for some of the things that have happened and putting on a brave face for 15 years + living next to my step dad and just feel my wall that I build up is crumbling a little.