I have lived with suicidal thoughts so long now that I don't even know how to unpack them

[Hario]

But I know that I hate myself.

I don't know what to do to stop it

Morning, I am sorry to read this. I don't haveuch advice, except yo say please consider reaching out to organisations Di h as the Samaritans if you haven't already done so.

I'm sorry that you feel like this.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Chronic suicidal thoughts are often a coping mechanism. An unhealthy one but a way to cope. It gives you a feeling of comfort and control to know you could act on them. That you have an out and are in control of taking that out.

Hating yourself is also a negative coping mechanism. A way to avoid change and to keep the negative mindset that you are so familiar with. You tell yourself negative things about yourself as that is protective (no one can dislike me more than I dislike myself) and it gives you an excuse to not change.

You can change unhealthy coping mechanisms but you have to decide you are ready to change and willing to go through the process necessary to let go. Same as someone who uses substances to cope or who cuts themselves to cope. You have to decide you are ready to change and to step out of your comfort zone.

@Freefall212 - excellent post

I agree that @Freefall212's post is excellent. I have chronic suicidal ideation. It's my safety net. The times when the choice is removed from me is the time when I struggle most and am at most danger. Otherwise, I just exist with them. I have agreed some safety protocols with my psychiatrist- my GP, for example, has been told to only prescribe medication in small quantities especially things like painkillers and sleeping tablets. But otherwise they're just there. Some days they're worse or more intrusive than others and some days they're better. In general though, I'm too scared to try and find other coping mechanisms.