Struggling

[Gell92]

I need somewhere to vent how I feel inside, I keep everything locked away with fear of being judged. I have a child with severe autism, I don’t get much help and I’m doing it pretty much on my own. I’ve broken down so many times to my family and I just don’t even think they take me seriously. I struggle with my l child, not sleeping enough. Frequent tendencies to get extremely violent, I feel like my child just wants to make my life an absolute misery. I’ve pleaded with the nhs so many times and even they don’t take anything seriously. I just want help to be able to cope and my child to sleep without being beaten up. Everyday I’m so exhausted for living, I don’t want to do anything but I’m forcing myself to live in this hell of a life I have right now. Last year I came very close to taking my life, what am I supposed to do? A lot of how I feel all boils down how my child is, I try my absolute hardest to care for my child and on the inside I feel awful about despising even having one. I know it’s not their fault and honestly they’re well looked after but still I don’t know how long I can keep up playing this game of being ok. The doctors just want me on medication, why is numbing the pain of being a carer any good for any of us. The doctors suggested to put my child on medication but the paediatrician has said no and that’s the only one who can have the say on things like that. I can’t even count how many suggestions I’ve tried now. Some really silly too. I spend a lot of time crying, hoping something will end my pain. How can I be honest about feeling this way when I know the outcome, medication, social services. When all I want is the smallest bit of support for my child. Why does it boil down to me? I freak out thinking about the future and what it holds. I try to bond with my child but it’s so hard, it’s like there’s no one there, you are talking to the walls. Maybe someone has felt the same to me, felt like giving up. I’ve even thought about giving my child up but I just couldn’t do it. I wish I knew what to do but I know it’s only going to get a tougher. I’ve had therapy and that was great, it didn’t really solve the problem. Even then I still couldn’t be fully honest about the suicide attempt and how I felt. The only people that know are a few family members and they just think I’m being dramatic.
I really do want to give up.

Oh lovie, I'm so sorry. I'm sure others will be along soon with some great advice. Can you show this thread to your doctor, Social Services, your local church and maybe even your MP? There must should be help for you somewhere.

Sounds like you need to at least try the medication suggested. The trouble with mental health problems is that the cause prevents the (probable) cure.

I’ve tried medication in the past and it’s masks the problem. I don’t feel anything, almost like a ghost floating through life. It’s the behaviour and being sleep deprived I just can’t cope with. Sometimes my child won’t even sleep at all and when the have outbursts. I’m being bruised and scratched enough I’ve bled. The therapist I paid for privately, just because there’s huge waiting list. She felt I was quite put together and my circumstances was causing the issues. So I don’t really know getting back on them is helping the situation.
I’ve tried contacting different places to get help but it all boils down to the pead and referrals. It took me 3 years of chasing the nhs to get nappies. I dread to think how long this will take. This was my last resort to get this off my chest and if anyone has any suggestions I’m all ears. It’s a horrible feeling I don’t want to give up but I’m running out of steam.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally, than they can afford to spare.

how old is your child and do you get any respite? sounds really hard.

I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. I just wondered if you know that there is a Special Needs board on here - with a sub thread for people with children with things like autism. Some of the parents on there might be able to help with more specific advice on how to get more support. Take care.