I need somewhere to vent how I feel inside, I keep everything locked away with fear of being judged. I have a child with severe autism, I don’t get much help and I’m doing it pretty much on my own. I’ve broken down so many times to my family and I just don’t even think they take me seriously. I struggle with my l child, not sleeping enough. Frequent tendencies to get extremely violent, I feel like my child just wants to make my life an absolute misery. I’ve pleaded with the nhs so many times and even they don’t take anything seriously. I just want help to be able to cope and my child to sleep without being beaten up. Everyday I’m so exhausted for living, I don’t want to do anything but I’m forcing myself to live in this hell of a life I have right now. Last year I came very close to taking my life, what am I supposed to do? A lot of how I feel all boils down how my child is, I try my absolute hardest to care for him and on the inside I feel awful about despising even having one. I know it’s not their fault and honestly they’re well looked after but still I don’t know how long I can keep up playing this game of being ok. The doctors just want me on medication, why is numbing the pain of being a carer any good for any of us. The doctors suggested to put my child on medication but the paediatrician has said no and that’s the only one who can have the say on things like that. I can’t even count how many suggestions I’ve tried now. Some really silly too. I spend a lot of time crying, hoping something will end my pain. How can I be honest about feeling this way when I know the outcome, medication, social services. When all I want is the smallest bit of support for my child. Why does it boil down to me? I freak out thinking about the future and what it holds. I try to bond with my child but it’s so hard, it’s like there’s no one there, you are talking to the walls. Maybe someone has felt the same to me, felt like giving up. I’ve even thought about giving my child up but I just couldn’t do it. I wish I knew what to do but I know it’s only going to get a tougher. I’ve had therapy and that was great, it didn’t really solve the problem. Even then I still couldn’t be fully honest about the suicide attempt and how I felt. The only people that know are a few family members and they just think I’m being dramatic.
I really do want to give up.