Going to see a counsellor - what should I expect?

[tammyBEARinggifts]

I've been putting it off and off, and dp isn't too keen on the idea of it, but I have been on the waiting list for my GP's counsellor for a while now, and today they left a message saying to phone them back to make an appointment. I'm quite nervous, but do feel that I need to go now. Although things between me and dp are fine, I'm starting work in January and things have been ok, I do feel like I'm starting to maybe not cope as well as I have done/thought I was the past year.

I find myself more isolated now, and rarely do I hear from my friends. I'm meeting up with several of them on 18th for a Christmas do. But I don't see them often, even though now that I have a car, I had thought I would be seeing them a lot more. I'm worried that I'm not doing a great job at being a mother. I worry that maybe dd is feeling neglected or she is bored. May sound stupid, and she is a very happy soul, and people have always complimented me and her on how happy she is and relatively well behaved. I do think I'm lucky with dd as she has never really given me any trouble (and sorry if this sounds like I'm boasting, I'm just trying to get my "lifestyle" across) She's slept through since she was 3 months, hardly ever cries although she is very clingy at the moment which could cause problems when I drop her off at nursery when I start work.

My mum comes round every so often. Less than she use to, but I find I get really down when she comes, and can't be myself, and I wanted to spend Christmas Eve at my house with dd, and then go to hers Christmas morning, but she's trying to make me feel so guilty about it. Dp isn't happy about me spending Christmas Eve on my own either, but I'd rather do it that way. Besides I can never sleep at my mum's. It's the most uncomfortable bed I have to sleep in, and my sister will be there too, but tbh I can't stand her. She's invited herself and her fiance to dd's birthday, and although I'm not going to stop her from coming, it would have been nice to have been asked if her fiance could come as well.

Sorry just realised I'm starting to rant now rather than focus on what this thread is about. Anyway, at the moment, if it's not one thing, it's another. One bad thing from another keeps happening to me. Today's a prime example. I'm hoping that if I go, they can put things in perspective for me, or help me cope with things that happen around me, or how to cope when exp and his family come down. Can they help me with things like this? What should I expect? Do you think they could help me, or would I be wasting their time? Thank you if you did get through all that, and sorry if I waffled on a bit. xxx

Good on you girl for seeking help.

Nothing to worry about re counselling,
only advice is if you don't feel happy or comfortable with it, then don't carry on.

It is definately worth doing- wish everyone had the opportunity, as I feel counselling has the capacity to help (and I guess it can hinder too.)

Give it a go,(with an open mind) but trust your intuition, and remember that this is to help you, and if it isn't then stop.

I know of a very unlikely candidate for success who grudgingly and sceptically attended counselling at his works' behest for 6 months (they'd given him 12 months worth, once a week) and it hit him like a bus at 6 months when it kicked in. It doesn't necessarily work quick, but he is a diffferent man with a completely different awareness of himself and others.

Children do go through clingy phases, and they also work out how to press your buttons best - it's what they're designed to do - seek out the sucker who'll protect them!

Your mum might be picking up on your worries and trying to make sure you're not on your own. She might also just be bossing you round regardless of the fact you are an adult with your own family this xmas.

I, too, loathe my sister. I'd tried and tried to get on, but just a few months ago I decided enough is enough and I just wont bother any more. Especially at xmas when I'm entitles to a nice time too actually!! Sadly she has a son which is my daughter's cousin and I wish I could somehow maintain contact for their sakes.. but we'll see how it goes.

Anyway, counselling, yeah go for it. Bit of time to think and talk things through can't hurt anyone!

thanks yuleicorn.

im a bit worried as dp's worried about it. well i said to him i was going to see one, but i dont think he knows that im still going to go as this was a while ago. he said that he wasnt keen on me going as he doesnt want it to change me. but i dont want to go about him as i dont have any problems in regards to him, its everything else that is affecting me, which is why i dont think it would change the way i am with him, if you understand what i mean.

peskykids, my mum still treats me like a kid, which annoys me which is why i think i get down when she comes round. but she is on her own as well, and lonely too. i also feel like she only sees me to see dd, and isnt too bothered by what i have to say.

But to her you are still a kid, and you always will be! (as your dd will to you!) And doting of dd is what her job is now.

Counselling will change you, if it works at all, as coming to new realisations about yourself and others is bound to. You will need to make sure dp isn't threatneed by this, and make sure he knwows you're not sort of griping behing his back?

I will tell dp that Im going, but I am worried at how he will take it. When I first mentioned it, he said he felt like he had let me down as he wasn't enough to help me. He has helped me tremendously, but I shouldn't always have to rely on him. Exp doesn't help either. I was saying that I wanted him to split the costs with me for dd's birthday as I can't afford it, plus he needs to bring wrapping paper for his presents for dd as I haven't got any and can't afford anymore. He started joking saying that he'll get a mortgage and a car and me and dd could live with him. Made me feel physically sick and I said it wasn't funny, and then he said he knew it wasn't but he meant it deep down. Urgh! Now Im going to have to put up with him on dd's birthday.

Maybe pitch it to dp that you just don't want to keep bending his ear. If you can offload that sort of stuff on a counsellor you'll have more time for nice conversation with him!

Grit your teeth over the birthday, at least he's there for dd and hasn't abdicated liek some... But yes, he shouldbring the presents wrapped, or bring paper to wrap them if you've bought them.

He brought her birthday present last time he came, and left it for me to wrap (which I still havent) and his xmas presents were delivered and not wrapped either. I am thankful he's still around for dd's sake. I actually wish he lived closer so I could just drop her off or he could just pick her up and I don't have to put with him. All his family want to come down on 30th and I can't stand them.

ooh no, you def don't have to put up with his family too. Can he whisk her off for the day? Or could you take her there and go off shopping or something while they have a visit? Blimmin' 'eck it's enough one has to be civil to one's own family at crimbo without exP's too!

I usually go out everytime they come down now. His parents have to drive him down as he lives 3 hrs away and is hoping to pass his driving test early next year, which I hope he does, but knowing him he'll be too scared to go down the M1. I can put up with exp just about, but his parents Ive never liked, and his sister wants to come too, so that'll be a hell of a day! I was hoping dp would be coming down that day as well, so not sure what's going to happen. Unless I say to exp "oh dp's coming at .... time" and then they'll all leave then. ooo thats a good plan lol. I wasn't expecting them to come til next year, as it's new year and my sister's birthday but oh well. His parents wanted to come for dd's birthday but i said no to that because i dont see why i should have to feel uncomfortable on my dd's birthday

Well, I think you're doing more than is called for by any standard of etiquette! Good luck, think calming thoughts, and remember that dd wants to remember a lovely day. I do recommend you try to come up with something that migth send them away early.. (Coudl you just remember you have invited the local branch of lepers-r-us for tea or anything?!)

gotta go - must eat food, last night it was peanut butter on toast plus kids cakes for party on Sunday (which I have to sneakily replace..)

thanks peskykids, well exp is leaving once my sister arrives on dd's birthday so may see if she come round asap. not sure bout 30th, although saying dp is coming is a good one to get them out of the house early. will see. xxx

hiya babe, didnt see this thread earlier.am sorry, hows it going? did you get to see someonex

left a message but noone has phoned me back yet, hoping to hear from them tomorrow. would prefer to have at least one appointment before i start work but think its getting too close now with christmas coming up now. do wish theyd hurry up and call me though as i do think it'll help me now xxx

dya wanna talk hun?away from here? you know where i am.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

thanks MMW, but its nothing to serious i guess. i dont want to bring up stuff from my past with the counsellor, i just want to talk about things that will affect my future, like exp as i want to get on with him and his family for dd's sake as it would make things so much easier but i just cant do it. and although things are fine at the moment as dp keeps me happy, there are things that keep happening like probs with my family that seem to knock me back down xxx

bump.x

oops crossed!
you might also benefit from self confindence class or something like that? to help you 'carry/handle' yourself and be more confident in certain situation??????????????
speak to heath visitor?

I have thought of those as they have them at my college, but im too scared to go! lol. my HV is quite useful, she was my mums HV when my brothers were born so shes really nice to me and helps me out a lot. she did put me on the home start help list and I have a nursery nurse round every 1-2 weeks but as Im going back to work so wont be able to carry on with those

i have one of those too!
and lol! you daft bat! thats the whol;e point!they give you more confidense once youve been going!!!!!!!!!!
hope you get sorted hun. am off now as you were to blame for me staying on last night! i wouldnt have had an argy bargy if youd been on earlier!!!
take care both of you.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

lol, i was entertaining! thanks, will think of going to one. nite xxxxxxxxxxxxx

been and back. crikey never thought id go through my life story in 50mins!! got one again next week, shes not sure what i want out of it, and thinks im not too sure either (which is kinda true) and that i should have a think about what i would like to change for the future etc. She says my life is very complicated (lol i know) I started talking about my ex, and then my family, and then dp sort of came into it. Basically, and ill give you a quick recap, my dad left us 12 years ago, and before that my parents had married, divorced and then remarried when pregnant with me. she thinks that the relationship with my dp sort of reflects this, as there is uncertainty and committment maybe lacking (which made me laugh inside after everything i had been saying to you guys!). she thinks that it is sort of reflected as i told her about dp and mum not getting on, and how me and dp have almost broken up etc. also talked to her about my mum, and well basically the problems i summed up here. she didnt really give me a lot of feedback, just asked me questions, sat there and went all quiet after i said things, which made me feel uncomfortable as i wasnt sure whether she was thinking of something to say or whether she was waiting for me to carry on. Anyway, we're deciding next week whether counselling is right for me, but even after everything i said to her, to me it sounds like i just need someone that i can confide into, and have more support than the support i have now. maybe i should think of a career in counselling... lol, but seriously. after i said it all, she thinks we'll spend next week sort of summing up. i cant believe how much i went into, and after i talked about it, i thought that really counselling wasnt for me, but maybe just enough to help me deal with the past and look to the future, which i think is the point of counselling anyway isnt it? Sorry if that was a bit confusing!! xxx

keep at it, you might feel differently next week as its not 'the first time', i think she will have been summing up and trying to work things out whilst she was quiet and thinking of how to advize you(if thats what she does?), she might refer you to another form of counselling/help? you already have a homestart helper dont you? can you talk to her? could you ask for someone else if you cant as thats what they are for??
have you spoke to dp bout it yet?xxxxxxxxxx

Hi tammy, it depends on what type of counselling you are having, but most counsellors aren't really there to talk and to give you advice. While they may make a few comments and perhaps help you to keep talking about things they may identify as key, they are there for you to talk to so that you can come to your own conclusions about how to deal with whatever is troubling you. So don't take the counsellor's silence the worng way! Does that make sense?

yeah that makes sense Caribbeanqueen as i thought that myself, as i was making up decisions in my mind. like there were times when i was talking when i suddenly though ah thats why im so insecure etc. it was quite odd because there are hundreds of times that i have thought these things but never actually made any links between them all, until i was talking to her about it. when i first walked in, she didnt say a lot either, i thought she expected me to just start talking away so i sat there waiting for her to say something lol. i didnt even know what i was suppose to do. i will go again next week, and she said we'll decide then if we'll carry on after christmas. havent spoken to dp yet, hes busy today, and wonder whether itd be better to wait til i see him next week in person before i tell him. i havent got a homestart volunteer, on list for one though but dont think ill need one when i go back to work. she made links between things from my past to my present which i had never noticed before but totally agreed on.