Pregnant and caring for newly disabled parent

[MamaChicken]

Not sure if I'm looking for advice or some solidarity or just some reassurance that it'll be okay. A week before I found out I was pregnant my mum (74) had a stroke and has been left with life altering mobility issues. She's not severe enough to qualify for much in terms of help (go figure) but she can barely walk now, is pretty much unable to use her dominant hand and has fallen 3 times since coming out of hospital.

We're 4 months in now and I don't feel like I can tell anyone about my pregnancy as my family are focused on mum's recovery, and I'm quietly worried that I might miscarry due to stress. I'm caring for mum 4 days a week including nights and also working full time in a corporate job.

I just feel so overwhelmed by everything and also like I'm not showing up properly anywhere. This is mine and my husband's first baby and I feel like this should have been so exciting but the last four months have been some of the most stressful and hardest of my life.

I'm not sure I actually have a question, I think I just needed to get this out somewhere. Thank you if you're reading this <3

Sorry you're going through this, it's such a difficult situation to be in.

I would encourage you to share your good news with your family. It will give everyone something positive to focus on. It will also make it more real for you and let you start enjoying it. Also you need to start taking care of yourself and your unborn baby, letting everyone know will help them to understand why you have to make certain decisions about your availability and ability to help. It's not a question of pulling back completely or stopping support for your mum but perhaps just trying to find a better balance where you can be there for your mum & family while still making sure you stay healthy and well yourself.

Congratulations on your pregnancy 💕

Goodness, how on Earth have you managed to work full time, care for your mum including at night, AND survive the first trimester of pregnancy?! It's utterly exhausting. You must have had your 12 week scan by now? You really should tell your family the news. As PP said, it's happy news and should bring lots of joy.

What do you mean when you say your mum doesn't qualify for any help? Has she had an Occupational Therapy assessment? (If not get her to ask her GP to refer for one.) Has she had a care assessment? (If not contact the council adult social services to request one.) Is your mum claiming Attendance Allowance? If not she should start a claim.

Do you have siblings, is your dad still around or is your mum single or with someone else, could anyone else step up? I'm not saying you can't do anything for your mum but you need to significantly reduce what you are doing - you won't be able to continue when you have the baby so you might as well get other support in place now.

You are going to be a mother yourself. As hard as it must be to see your mum's struggles, you must prioritise yourself and your baby.

Is your mum living with you or in her own home? The latter will make it easier for you to get other help for her. Sadly social services etc will leave you to it whether you are capable/coping or not unless very strongly forced into taking action.

Thank you for the kind replies <3

By not qualified I mean a few things. She has a small amount of savings, which isn't a lot but just a little more than the max allowed before stuff like housing adjustment grants are given. And she doesn't seem to qualify for basic things eg. when she was discharged from hospital they said she wasn't qualified for a wheelchair as she had walked on a zimmer (once) to the bathroom. She's had assessments from the care team and has been dismissed from them as they think that she is capable enough, which I find a bit baffling as she still needs help for stuff like showering. Unfortunately we can't apply for Attendance Allowance until she's been having issues for 6 months.

She is on her own in her own home. My brother is around to help out and he does the days that I'm not there. He himself has a severe health condition so it's not a straightforward situation from any angle sadly.

She has definitely improved since she was discharged so I'm hopeful that will continue and I will gradually be able to move towards checking in (I live close by) rather than living in which will at least give me some time at home.

I've had my twelve week scan but the baby was in the wrong position and they couldn't get the view needed for the usual tests. We've got another scan next week. My plan was to tell my family after that and try to get a plan of what a reduced load on me could look like. I know I'm being overcautious re the scan as the twelve week one showed a healthy heartbeat and a very active little baby, but I just want to be reassured before I open that door.