I have taken time and given myself space (the pandemic helped) to think about toxic sibling relationships in my life.
Unfortunately two of my older siblings (older by decades) their partners and a few of their adult children have been using me as a punchbag for all their own insecurities since I was a kid. They seem unhappy with their own choices and have a lot shame in their decisions (my parents are also partly to blame for this). Our parents were immigrants so it adds a lot of emotional and cultural baggage to all my siblings upbringing including my own, in addition to an unhealthy amount cultural expectation. I suspect they got it a bit worse as they were born a few decades before me. I always had empathy for them because of this but I think many of the choices I've made have triggered them.
I am the only person in my family to have married outside of my ethnicity for example and had to deal with many comments from them with regards to this. I have been made to feel ashamed of myself. One of them poked fun at my children's skin colour - suggesting that I may have been sleeping around (without directly saying that). This comment was made to sound like a joke and was said to me a day after I had my second child! Over the years the comments have always been backhanded or wrapped in what seems like a general joke but is actually a stab at my life or lifestyle choices. I thankfully moved to a different city in my 20s and have turned my life around to have a positive outlook and honour my values, rather than those imposed by tradition or family. It's been lonely at times and also difficult for me to know if I am over reacting or if these relationships are actually bad. I do know that they have cause a lot of mental health issues that I've had to work on - mostly self-esteem. I am now in my 40s and feel ready to emotionally and physically keep even more distance from these two siblings. I had already been doing this gradually over the last couple of decades but there are times when try to cause drama despite that and it does get to me - I would like it not to.
It's been prompted by the pandemic as I mentioned, the space away from these people gave me time to reflect. One of our parents died a few years ago and somehow their behaviour after this seemed worse. Rather than checking in on each other or being kind, there was an increase in the bullying tactics. The bullying felt more painful to withstand after the death of a parent somehow. As I made the decision to further reduce contact, one of them noticed and has been talking behind my back with other family members about how I probably think I am better than everyone. He seems upset that he can no longer use me as a punchbag. He's always had a few punchbags to use - my sister, her kids, me and now my kids as they become older.
My older kid has started noticing and asks why certain family members seem aggressive in tone towards me and surprised that I don't say anything (it's not worth the battle and would be a waste of energy). I told my kid it's just sibling stuff nothing serious. While I can't protect my children from everything, knowingly exposing them to toxic family members is a cycle I want to break. My parents culture (south asian) has an unhealthy emphasis on elders and family - which gives people an excuse to be unaccountable for their behaviour because they feel nothing will happen. My siblings being much older fall into this category and are particularly rude towards me.
It's taken me a lot of work on myself to get out of the toxic family vibe. Lots of therapy, self-help, meditation, exercise and so on. I am still healing. I am still working on it all. It's taking a surprising amount of time to let go of these relationships - it feels like I am grieving and angry at the same time! Like an honest look at what these relationships are has left me quite sad about it all.
I needed to share this into the abyss. Maybe it might resonate with someone who may have felt isolated or lonely going through similar stuff. We all have stuff going on and I feel ready to make room for anyone working through it. I am also ready to let go of those who are just lashing out at others because they don't want to be honest with themselves or take charge of their own lives, like my siblings.
I would love to fast forward and be over the feelings. But, as you can see I'm not there yet.... I just need to keep going and one day soon I hope I will feel lighter. For now, I need to invite in the feelings to grow and make room. Just like one of my favourite Rumi poems says:
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
If you got to the end of my post - well done! It was a long one :)