This is possibly one of the most self indulgent posts ever and I apologise to anyone reading this drivel who has real problems but I feel like everything is turning to shit and all the joy has been sucked out of life.
Yes it’s probably hormonal as I am 47.
Problem one: home. (Meant to be representation of the self?)
I have a house (more or less mortgage free) in an inner London area. Nice enough but frustratingly area is still good value so impossible to move within London for better house and better location without getting into huge debt which DH refuses to do.
We have lived here for 15 years and no other house compares for price (idyllic street, fab transport) but I’m bored. Missed out on dream wreck of house in ‘naice’ area which was bargain. Didn’t love it but we could have made it fab and sold up and had options.
I find myself looking at posts about relocating all the time but suspect after the novelty wore off, I would regret it.
Problem 2: Career and money
2 DCs still at primary school - just. They are now for first time both at independent schools that suit both their needs perfectly and are thriving and happy. They don’t want to move. Fees - which we can currently afford - still causing background angst as we are both worriers who come from nothing.
DH job at risk due to corporate sale but we have options to continue funding for a few years.
My own dream career (on paper but not so much in reality) was torpedoed by redundancy several years ago though have doubled my salary since.
Working now in contract role and feeling OK about my ability as no longer surrounded by ‘stars’ but don’t want to stay as they’re about to make it permanent and don’t want office politics plus a massive pay cut that goes with it. No job out there appeals. Every job ad fills me with anxiety and I cannot read to the bottom without getting bored.
I had such big career dreams but never really pushed myself to achieve them so maybe I didn’t want them enough but, god mediocrity feels stressful.
I want autonomy but some social contact yet don’t have the motivation or sales ability to launch a business and not disciplined enough to be freelance.
Problem 3: lack of vision or joy
We are migrants here and have zero desire to go back yet the state of the UK is depressing me. I cannot see our standard of living improving in my lifetime, if I even get to see it out. I worry about not having 25 times my outgoings saved for retirement.
I think we are probably going to get nuked by Putin and I am only a bit worried about this.
We don’t travel as much anymore as costs for this have exploded and you need to be so organised to book anything decent.
Life is all about servicing the kids. Weekends are all the same: sports for them, maybe grab food from market and collapse at price. If lucky, stagger to a friends’ or host but am finding I have no stamina yet crave friendships and like meeting new people for the first few hours and figuring them out.
Problem 4: avoidant behaviour.
I regularly disengage when DC are fighting or want me. No energy. But feel occasional rage when they’re being entitled and know it’s our fault and our decision re schools. Don’t call my own widowed mum or sibling often enough. They live abroad but I love them yet don’t miss them.
When things get combative at work, I don’t have the energy to challenge or improve things.
Beginning to miss DF more who died 4 years ago.
Summary:
Apart from medication, how do you turn this around? I just have not seen any lifestyle/job/location out there yet that makes me think: that’s it! Where do you go for inspiration?
I know I will get a kicking but gosh that was cathartic.