DP’s anxiety

[Rotormotor]

At my wits end. My DP is 50 and suffers from anxiety, social anxiety. He’s probably depressed. I wonder even if he has ADHD or something.

We have been together a long time and have 3 kids. In many ways we have a normal life but…. He just doesn’t get along with people, they find him weird. He’s an oddball. He always falls out with workmates. He constantly thinks people are laughing at him. Will not accept that he’s misinterpreted things. Goes through really dark moods. He dwells on past events. Obsessed about things that happened 30 years ago! Used to have real bouts of rage but these are largely under control.

He has always been like this but it’s starker as he ages. He used to have a drink problem but gave up. This is brilliant but it’s removed a coping mechanism.

He doesn’t want medication. He tried to access counselling via work health plan but didn’t like the counsellor. Talks vaguely about finding a new one.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s bringing me down, I’m tired of hearing his rants about who doesn’t like him. I know it sounds unsympathetic but I’ve had it for years. He’s so negative.

i can’t diagnose him but I know he has childhood trauma. Emotional neglect from parents. Early death of his mother. Difficult relationships with siblings.

I now need him to do something. I don’t want our kids impacted. However getting him to address it is proving very difficult. What can I do???

Last night he dumped alot of anger and stress. I have spent the whole night worrying about what to do. He’s just woken up. I realise it’s early but I just said ‘look I’ve been worried all night please can you seek some help.’. He’s stormed off. It’s too early for this apparently. ( I accept that it is early)

He chooses when to dump his feelings so I should be able to raise issues and not just work to his agenda surely?

This really resonated with me. I have had a similar experience, including a DH who used alcohol as a coping mechanism and also gave it up.

I would say it is very important to be kind to yourself and to have clear boundaries. Don't get dragged into every rant, and you don't have to be the sponge for all his emotional dumping - I found it helped me to recognise that some of the ranting was just that, verbalising the thoughts in his head. He wasn't looking to me to solve them or do anything about them necessarily, but it helped him to get things off his chest, blow off steam. And I was a safe person that he could do that with.

It was important to me (and the kids) not to always get sucked into the negativity. So we would sometimes leave him to it and go off for the day without him.

I think you are right to recognise that his alcohol was a coping mechanism. Can you gently encourage healthier alternatives - e.g sport or hobby or going for a walk, sauna, 5 minutes in the sunshine, whatever. And building his social networks?

My DH is now on medication. And it is helping. But unfortunately it took a pretty calamitous turn of events to get to that point ... so I haven't got the answer on that front.

Hope you're doing OK today?

You can’t make him do anything. The only thing you can do is split up if you can’t live with this behaviour. Frankly I would have left when he was drinking and going into rage.

Thanks both. It’s true that sometimes he just needs to verbalise. I’m fine today. Thanks for asking.

him giving up drinking was huge. I don’t want to diminish that.

He is chasing the name of a counsellor. We shall see……