Severe depression with a toddler

[Waitingforthesunnydays]

Hi, I wondered if anyone here had been in a similar situation as myself and had any advice or tips?...I've suffered from chronic depression for as long as I can remember, I have bouts of severe depression where some days I'm unable to get out of bed, cry all day, am suicidal. In between these bouts my mood is pretty "normal". I'm on my third antidepressant in a decade and I honestly don't know anymore whether they still work or not, I've had all kinds of therapy, I've still never learnt any real coping strategies, my emotions just overpower me. I have a wonderful 2.5 yr old dd who is my world, I have shared 50/50 custody of her with my ex. We broke up when she was 15 mths and since then I've been depressed to varying levels almost constantly. On very bad days (which are not that often) I just don't know how to make it bearable for either of us. I don't have anyone else that can look after her at short notice. I try not to let her see me cry but sometimes she does and she just says "mummy's a bit sad" and carries on what she's doing, but I worry her seeing me upset, moping around, unable to interact with her properly, will cause her long-term damage and her own mental health problems (which is one of my biggest fears). I let her do all kinds of things I wouldn't usually, just to get through the day, and make up for not going out, like have unlimited snacks, watch unlimited tv, go to bed whenever she wants. It's the only way I feel I can cope when it's really bad.

I've tried to get help but friends who were helpful at first have given up on me as I didn't get better, my family never want to talk about it anymore. I feel extremely isolated. I was very suicidal one night and called the mental health crisis team to try and get help but when they found out I had a young child (who was at her other parent's house at the time) all they cared about was was she safe. They told me I would ruin my child's life if I killed myself (as if I didn't know that already) and then guilt-tripped me about what it would do to my family.

Not long after I did take an overdose (my daughter was at her other parent's house) I ended up in hospital. Its all kind of a blur but when discharging me they asked me if I was still suicidal, I said yes, nothing's changed. They still discharged me and I had no after care. When one of my closest friends found out about this, instead of calling me she called social services and made an anonymous report (I know it was her through process of elimination) saying I was an unfit mother. That broke my heart and sent me spiralling further into a dark place. I have never, ever put my child in danger. The worst I've ever done is been depressed around her but I've never neglected her or put her in any kind of danger. We have an extremely close, loving relationship. So I then got multiple calls from social services who said they were there "to support me too" but when I asked them how, exactly they could support me they couldn't answer the question!

I'm not suicidal anymore, not thanks to any support from anyone either in my life or professional, but through meditation, time, self-reliance, and being unable to do that to my daughter. But I'm still depressed and so scared of getting suicidal again. I've burnt all my bridges with friends and family and feel they are sick of hearing about it and too scared to seek professional help in case they try and take my child away. I don't know how to get better for my child and be the good mother I know I can be when I'm well. I've developed serious trust issues after multiple betrayals over the last year and am unable to trust anyone at all. My daughter's my only reason for living. Thanks for reading (if you got this far!) and for any advice you can give :)

I'm so sorry to read this, it must be so hard for you. One thing that stood out to be is that the bad days that you describe, when you look at it from her point of view it sounds lovely. Snacks she isn't usually allowed! Screen-time!

I have a wonderful friend who is very wise and often tells me that I just need to be "good enough" rather than these ridiculous high standards that we all put on ourselves nowadays. It sound's like you are doing an amazing job.

I didn’t want to read a run. Have you considered joining a local Church? It would provide the start of a community, possibly some support and some kindness.
What help are you getting from social services - if any?

If you were my friend I would tell you to go back to the gp. Your 3rd anti depressants in 10 years doesn't mean anything if it's not working for you. When dh was severely depressed years ago he went back again and again until he found something that worked for him, that happened to be a combo of meds in the end. Once he found the right meds other more 'holistic treatments' helped his ability to cope in the future but I really don't think he would be here today if I hadn't insisted and sometimes escorted him back to the GP repeatedly.

How was your childhood? Did your mother, or other significant adult, suffer from depression?

When you are depressed can you recognise the thought patterns that trigger it?

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my post and your kind replies :) Eyeswideopenwideawake yes depression runs in my family on my dad’s side although my dad never outwardly showed the typical signs of depression, he was mostly angry and completely emotionally unavailable. My mum wasn’t around much after the age of 12 and that’s when it started for me. I was always punished for crying or showing negative emotions so i bottled everything up and didn’t speak to anyone about it for years. The thing is you’re told to speak to people about your feelings/problems, told that it’ll help but when I tried that I lost my friends, frustrated my family, and made professionals think I’m a bad mother. Talking to people didn’t help and now I feel like I’m 15 again and completely isolated terrified to talk to anyone about how I feel. I feel completely hopeless and constantly think weigh up the pros and cons of killing myself in relation to the effect it’d have on my daughter. Would she even remember me? Would it actually be the best thing to do because growing up with a mother with severe mental health problems is going to damage her? Her dad is in a new relationship with, from what I understand to be a nice, caring woman with two kids of her own. Wouldn’t it be better if I was just out of the picture and she grew up in a nice, loving family with them, a dad and a new mum who are emotionally stable and can probably give her a better life than I can? It seems to make more sense to me. I don’t feel like there is any point to my existence anymore. And i know that’s a dangerous place to be in but I don’t know how to get out of that place. I have no one to talk to anymore. No one wants to hear it. I know this also isn’t the right place to be saying all this stuff so I apologise for that but I don’t have anywhere else to say how I feel

Hi OP, yes I agree with you about how we are told to talk about our feelings but in reality, either people don’t want to know or their responses make things 10 times worse.

Firstly, I would start with the absolute basics-are you eating well, exercising regularly and sleeping enough? Improving these areas really does make a difference and for your DD’s sake as well as your own, please do make the effort even if you don’t feel like it and it’ll soon become a habit. Secondly, it may be worth going back to the GP and having a chat about your options with medication etc. Good luck, you can turn things around!

@Waitingforthesunnydays - don't be sorry; you've been very clear and honest.

One sentence jumped out at me "now I feel like I’m 15 again" that's not surprising since that was the horrible period in your life "My mum wasn’t around much after the age of 12 and that’s when it started for me. I was always punished for crying or showing negative emotions so i bottled everything up and didn’t speak to anyone about it for years." There's a part of your mind which is still stuck at that really important time of your life and it's confused, scared and unhappy with no one to talk to - that's why it's pushing all the alternative options to the forefront of your mind. You know you really don't want to die, especially as your would leave your daughter with the trauma and unanswered questions that will stay with her throughout her life, which is why your conscious mind is resisting the idea.

You CAN get help for this. Happy to DM you a list of practitioners who work with this type of issue - all offer a free initial consultation.