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Original poster

Social anxiety and DH's reaction is making me feel like a fool.

17 replies

Paternosta · 07/05/2023 16:39

I have social anxiety. I've worked on it with a therapist and can socialise generally but certain situations trigger me. Like large gatherings of strangers.
I just walked past my neighbours having a street party I knew nothing about. I waved at one person I knew and felt like I should stop and chat.
Mainly for reassurance, I said to DH do you want to stop and talk and he said crossly, why are you asking me, you're the one that wants to do it.
That made me feel awful and not up to speaking to anyone, so I came home and we've had an argument.
DH is probably autistic but has never been diagnosed, I usually make allowances but in the moment I was anxious and needed support. I should have known and not asked him a direct question as he never reacts well to those.
His argument was that I should have worded it differently. Why does he have to recognise that I don't mean what I say and called me selfish. I think that's probably true as I do know he struggles.
Now I feel like my whole street saw me chicken out of a social occasion and I feel like shit. I feel like an idiot and I hate myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Paternosta · 07/05/2023 16:40

Thanks for reading. Trying to pull myself together.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 07/05/2023 16:55

Now I feel like my whole street saw me chicken out of a social occasion and I feel like shit. I feel like an idiot and I hate myself.

Your whole street - if they were all watching - saw you wave to someone and then have a brief conversation with your husband and then carry on walking. Trust me, no one will have even given it a second thought. Please don't hate yourself, try loving yourself instead and see how that works out.

Pinkdelight3 · 07/05/2023 16:56

I think it must be very hard for both of you when simple things like this cause this amount of upset. Did the therapist not give you any tools to handle it? You don't need to feel like a fool or project anything onto the feelings of the crowd, who won't have given it a moment's thought. But you know that logically and it's a combination of your anxiety and his ND that are the cocktail for trouble here. Whatever else you do, hopefully you can de-escalate and not exacerbate it with further conflict because in and of itself, it's a non-event. Good luck with a calmer evening.

ballerinagirl · 07/05/2023 17:22

Fuck what other people think OP!

Original poster
Paternosta · 07/05/2023 17:28

You're right I know. It's a non event for everyone.

It's just stupid and selfish to think any strangers care what I do and I wish I could stop myself. I do have things I can do to stop myself feeling anxious normally but this was a surprise situation and I hadn't prepared.

I'm calmer now anyway and have apologised to DH.

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NurseCranesRolodex · 07/05/2023 17:29

Listen, nobody gives 2 fecks. It's all fine, you waved so will be viewed as having interacted, that's enough. Part of the issue is looking for reassurance or 'permission' from DH, if you'd said, 'let's stop for 2 minutes, I'm going to say hello' or 'I' ll meet you round the corner in 2 minutes, I'm going to say hello' he may have processed it differently. Saying, "do you think we should....." might be too much for him.... He doesn't obviously want to so probably in literally terms doesn't think you should. He has only stated the literal fact of your asking him, eg it was you who wanted to. My DH is very black and white too and given exactly the same question would say same then stand mutely behind me speaking to nobody. Don't keep worrying just be alot more literal in your communication if you seek a specific outcome!! Go and make up, you don't need to argue, it's all silly. Apologise even if you know your right and move on.

PollyPeptide · 07/05/2023 17:44

It's just stupid and selfish to think any strangers care what I do and I wish I could stop myself. I do have things I can do to stop myself feeling anxious normally but this was a surprise situation and I hadn't prepared.

I am a quite a sociable person and very comfortable in social situations. I'm happy to chat to anyone. But there are times, when taken unawares, that I either ignore or overspeak to someone and I kick myself afterwards. I was once talking to someone I hardly knew and I heard myself oversharing information and the more I tried to stop myself, the more I told. It was horrific. 😂 Don't believe anyone who says they haven't made gaffes.

The biggest problem when you're anxious is overthnking it afterwards. And you have to be quite an oblivious person never to do that.
Either things would have been fine. Wave, chatted, moved on. Waved, chatted and stayed. No one would have thought you strange if you'd done either. It sounds to me like you're,actually progressing well. You just have to accept now that we al feel uncertainties from time to time. It's normal.

babyproblems · 07/05/2023 18:17

No one would have seen you do anything and they were probably pissed anyway!!! Remind yourself that this is very much in your head and not the reality.. xxx

Original poster
Paternosta · 08/05/2023 00:06

Thank you for that link. A lot of that is familiar to me. @Eyesopenwideawake .

I absolutely know rationally that my brain is being ridiculous but once anxiety starts it's hard to control.
Anyway DH and I are fine. We just had a miscommunication.
I do wonder if it would be better for him to get diagnosed but that's perhaps another thread!

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WomanBitingATowel · 08/05/2023 00:15

He has a point, though, in that you were the one who felt you should stop to talk, but you seemed to be displacing the responsibility on him, when it clearly hadn’t occurred to him at all. If you wanted to be reassured, and he tends to take your words at face value, you may need to work on communicating more effectively. What could you have said that would have got you the reassurance you wanted?

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/05/2023 00:17

Why have you apologised to your aggressive and nasty dick of a husband?

You did nothing wrong.

Original poster
Paternosta · 08/05/2023 20:16

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/05/2023 00:17

Why have you apologised to your aggressive and nasty dick of a husband?

You did nothing wrong.

That's a bit much. I apologised because he's neuro diverse and didn't understand the question.
He wasn't aggressive or nasty, just frustrated at ridiculous question and I understand why.

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AtrociousCircumstance · 08/05/2023 20:21

Your question was fine. His reaction wasn’t. You don’t know if he is ND or not.

Good luck OP.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/05/2023 22:01

Ps and I’m sorry if I seemed harsh: it just truly sounds like you did nothing wrong at all, were let down by an aggressive snappy reaction and then called selfish - then felt pressured to apologise to him. It really isn’t ok.

Ivesaidenough · 08/05/2023 22:50

I have to say I agree a bit with AtrociousCircumstance.
Imagine your husband had said "yes, why not?" instead. Would you still be feeling so awful?

Original poster
Paternosta · 16/05/2023 07:14

Thanks for your comments and sorry if I was defensive. DH can't help who he is but yes he could have been more kind about it!
I am almost certain he is some kind of ND as he takes things very literally, can't cope with change and has some stimming behaviours sometimes. He doesn't feel the need to be diagnosed but sometimes I wonder if it would help me if he did go down that route.

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