Mental health and decisions on children

[decisionsneeded]

Hello
I'm in my 30s and have fluctuating mental health. I came to the conclusion I shouldn't have children due to this, but now am having a wobble about how I might regret this decision in the future.

I would love to have children, but struggle to see how I would manage and be a good parent. I have low self esteem, fluctuating depression, am an introvert and also have ADHD (inattentive). A chronic people pleaser with no resilience, and ruminate on where I have gone wrong constantly. I sleep well but am never well rested and could quite easily nap the days away. It takes a lot of effort to manage my own life day by day. I have tried anti depressants but they worsen my adhd traits, I was less prone to outward emotion but definitely not any happier. I also have one autoimmune issue and feel others are brewing.

Reading this back it is clear I should not have kids, the thought of this further upsets me. I also don't really feel I can fit into any groups child free by choice or circumstance.

Not sure what I'm asking but would be grateful for any advice.
Thank you.

Hi, I can understand your reticence, you sound really switched on and aware of your situation which is good.

I wasn’t. I thought I was creative and a bit scatty, disorganised, but didn’t realise I had anything going on. In reality I was suffering with poor mental health.

So anyway, when I was 25 I fell pregnant unexpectedly and went with it.

My son is autistic (it’s one of a thousand things he is, he’s wonderful and I love him to bits) so that’s one thing to bear in mind: if you’re neurospicy yourself and/or your chosen partner is, you stand a higher chance of your children being on the spectrum or having adhd. Not a problem, I love all my kids, and knowing this would not have stopped me from having them, exactly as they are.

But I wasn’t the best parent to him. I didn’t know he was autistic, I just thought he was a particularly “naughty” toddler until preschool flagged that he was probably autistic, then I realised he wasn’t naughty, he was inquisitive, experimental, he was exploring his world without logical consequences.

I just hadn’t been attentive enough to him. I kept expecting him to learn how to behave, to stop drawing on the walls, to not pee on plug sockets or hang out of windows because that’s illogical and dangerous. He did learn eventually of course, but it was hard going. I made so many mistakes I regret deeply, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I went on to have two more children, and the chaos grew deeper. I was chronically overwhelmed, the house was awful, I was dedicated to my children and we had lots of fun but I wasn’t organised, the place was often dirty, I couldn’t find anything.

We were always late, always on the back foot. I never felt good enough or equal to other parents. I didn’t like having people round as I felt they would judge me, I was deeply ashamed of being a bad mother, but actually I wasn’t a bad mother, I just had an untidy house and no set routine.

I was struggling with depression and adhd, an eating disorder and ptsd as a result of 22 years of emotional abuse by my dad.

My kids are teenagers now and they’re really good people. The eldest is just so kind, and caring. The middle one is creative and bright as a button. The youngest tells stories right off the top of her imagination. I didn’t ruin them :-) I may have actually done an okay job.

The house is still messy, but not half as bad as it was. I’m working on my adhd diagnosis (the psychiatrist giving me the assessment was alarmed by my uncontrolled depression and c-ptsd and said he couldn’t diagnose adhd because he couldn’t see the woods for the trees)

so he started me on a cocktail of antidepressants and oh my goodness my mental health is so much better! I rarely feel overwhelmed now and I’m so much more patient. They’ll do another adhd assessment soon and I start EMDR therapy for trauma/flashbacks.

This is turning into an essay so here are my important points:

1. if you consider yourself an introvert, and you have kids, make sure you have a support network or someone to mind them now and again because long summers of being surrounded by your crotchdumplings incessantly asking questions, squabbling and squealing is stifling as heck, I love them but I would have happily taped their mouths shut at times.

2. Consider getting systems in place, and anything you can afford to automate, do it. Cleaner, laundry service, set up automated online grocery shops to arrive, to do lists, anything to make life easier do it. Children thrive on routine, even if we prefer to wing it.

3. check your meds (if any) are right for you - if you feel low level sad or overwhelmed all the time they aren’t covering you. Ask what help is available to support you if you do choose to start a family.

4. You won’t regret having kids, they are amazing, wonderful, they are the best thing I ever did. BUT there’s no denying it was hard, hard work at times. Have you got friends or family with children who you can spend some time with to get a feel for it all?

Hope this helps.

@PartyFants oh thank you so much for taking the time for such a full response. I will have to come back to it a few times I think.
You sound like a very strong person and have clearly done a wonderful job with your children; they will remember the fun not the mess.
I do see my nephew and he brings so much joy into my life. I have never been asked to babysit (despite saying I'd be happy to) which does make me question if my incapability is obvious to all!
Your psychiatrist sounds like a complete gem. I'll have a look at getting a more comprehensive check on meds first off.

Thank you again

You’re very welcome. You say you haven’t been asked to babysit and you worry that they view you as incapable- well when I told my family I was pregnant, they said the oddest thing “but who will change the nappies?”

As if they thought I simply wouldn’t, or couldn’t, that I’d fall to pieces when faced with harsh reality of mess and responsibility. I wasn’t worried about that at all, and they were wrong, I was fine with babies and responsibility.

Sometimes having a baby is the making of people. But its awesome that you’re giving it a decent think over. If I could have my time again I would have still had my three kids, but I would have left it a few more years, traveled, had more fun first.