Depression

[Cllodi]

Hi everyone.
Just a bit of preview. I've been having my ups and downs with depression since moving to another country and having my first son. Its nothing I can't handle by myself. I have a nice life ,a nice home ,lovely family , good husband, and kids that I absolutely love and adore but my depression it's always there on the background.

It's been a couple of years now that some time when I'm feeling low and I have a discussion with my husband , minor things, I find myself saying " I'm here just because of the kids " and if I don't say it outloud it poops in my mind . The thing is my husband thinks that "I'm here just because of the kids" means I'm tired of my marriage" but it's not - "here" doesn't mean this marriage or this house!! I have never physically tried to hurt myself because I love my kids too much to make them go through this but in my mind its there and eventhough I tried so so hard to fight that idea it finds a way .
My husband is a good guy ,hard working but his ability to deal with or notice mental health issues is zero . I ,on the other hand I am a qualified social worker ,so I am fully aware of mental health issues - this has helped me deal with my problems . My husband is not aware of my issues and I prefer it that way . I have always managed to look after myself when depression hits but its just this thought that keeps pooping in my head. I don't want to do anything to hurt myself and I'm worried why this idea ,of me being here till my boys need me .
I don't even know why I'm typing this !!

I would hazard a guess that there's not a single person who at one point or another has contemplated not being 'here' anymore. It doesn't mean you are going to act on those fleeting thoughts or that you are a danger to yourself; it's just one of the many options the subconscious puts forward as a possibility with no regard to the underlying state of mind. It shocks and disturbs you, not unsurprisingly.

It might help to think of it this way;

Before we go to the cinema we need to decide what film we want to see. To do this we might view a few trailers. There will inevitably be some we want to see and very probably a greater number that we don’t. In the same way, our mind has to contemplate certain actions before it can decide whether or not to take those actions. We ponder leaping off the building because we need to understand the consequences of doing that so we know to stay away from the edge.

When it comes to intrusive thoughts we can simply think of them as trailers for films we have no desire to see.

That is really helpful, thank you. These horrible scenarios have been running through my mind today as i wonder how I'm going to cope

In your OP you say this started when you moved to another country and had your first child - was it one, the other or a combination of both (or something separate/related)?

You know from your training and work that thoughts are not facts, they are just ideas that flit in and out of our minds as it works out stuff that lies just under our conscious thinking. What it is that you are trying to cope with?

I'm really sorry to hear that you've been going through these struggles with depression. It takes courage to reach out and share your feelings, even if it's through typing. Remember that you're not alone, and seeking support is an important step in managing your mental health. If you're looking for a therapist, I recommend http://truetherapy.org/services/depression/