I have no-one in real life I can talk to about this and it's tearing me apart.
He turns 24 in July.
His development froze as a one year old baby.
During his first year of life he'd been keeping up with all his milestones.
He was a happy, smiley baby who reached for his toys and put his arms up for me to lift him up. He'd even started to babble.
After his first Birthday it was as though a light had been turned off.
The smile of his baby days had been replaced by a blank expression. He couldn't look me in the eye, and lost interest in all his toys.
I'd spend endless time trying to engage him in various activities. I'd read stories to him. I'd point out things we saw while out and about, but it was as though he was drifting away from me. There was nothing I could do to bring him back.
His childhood passed him by without him ever knowing the magic of Christmas or Birthdays. He never had a friend. Never learnt to read or write.
As an adult he remains completely non-verbal, having never spoken a word in his life.
The hardest thing for me as a mum has been watching him physically growing into a handsome young man, passing through each stage in his life, while remaining completely oblivious to it all. He still shakes a rattle.
He is now in Adult Care, due to the high level of care he needs (two carers when out in the community as he has no danger awareness at all), and I am a single parent with his 3 younger siblings at home (my youngest child has a different disability and also needs round the clock care and constant supervision, and I just couldn't manage both their needs).
I am currently going through a very tough time with my mental health.
I have PTSD, and start my CBT next week.
The flashbacks are heartbreaking, and the panic attacks are draining me.
My son is now the exact same age that I was when I gave birth to him.
That has brought with it lots of feelings of guilt that he will never experience the independence or freedom that I myself have been blessed with.
The "babies" he started out with back then are now living their lives to the full with their chosen careers, in relationships, even becoming fathers, while my son remains lost in his own world.
Even though I have never heard his voice, I have this indescribable longing just to sit and have a chat with him.
I feel so alone and isolated with this.
I am constantly on the verge of tears.
I'm 47 and my hormones are all over the place, which doesn't help either.
I feel as though I am trapped in a dark hole that I can't climb out of.
To add to it, I am limited to medication I can take due to hemiplegic migraines which are also hormone related.