Hi,
This isn’t the greatest thing to come on here for but i feel like i’m drowning in unbearable pain.
Ive used this site to answer a lot of my questions but i never thought i’d be writing on here to vent.
I found out i was pregnant towards the end of february, when i first saw the test all i thought was disbelief, worry, excitement. I just thought i’m actually going to be a mum, i was exited. but i live with my grandad with my boyfriend we are both only 18, we had to come here since my mum passed away may last year then my dad kicked us out so did my auntie and this was our last option.
We decided somehow we wanted to keep our baby, but we where constantly worrying about money, since when we found out i didn’t have a job at the time, about where we where going to live, there was no way we could have a baby at my grandads house the room barley fits us in it.
It was difficult but we went through with the keeping it decision, we where scared and exited constantly looking at baby things, picking out what we wanted, trying to sort out where we where going to live. We took pictures of the bump every week to watch it grow. My heart was just full of love, i no longer felt alone i had someone growing with me. We told my boyfriends family and they where really exited but they live quite far away about 2 hours.
Then the middle of march came and the excitement of picking out things and finding where to live turned into stress and worry that we couldn’t do it or afford it all.
I started struggling with the thought of going through this without my mum, i was missing here a ridiculous amount, it drew me to self harm on mother’s day i was so upset and just blind to what i was doing i done a lot more damaged then what i should have, it ended up with calling my boyfriend for help and going to the hospital. I then realised i can’t even look after myself let alone our baby, I got help there they said they will try to help with convincing the council to moving up our housing bands so we would atleast have room for our baby. That turned into a lot of nothing and i’m on a waiting list still waiting for help from that incident.
We then spoke about it and thought we want this baby so bad but there’s no way around the money the housing and we came to the decision it wasn’t the right time, I contacted bpas and got in a consultation and a scan to confirm the fetus age and then a surgical abortion booked in since the baby would be 14 weeks 3 days at the time of the abortion.
We didn’t really speak much about it since it was a hard decision and we wanted it but it wasn’t the right time, and i didn’t think much into it myself, i knew it would be hard after but i thought it would be hard keeping it or not keeping it.
The day came around the at the end of april and i was still going with it i was just worried about the procedure, the woman there where amazing, they where lovely and i had the procedure done.
I now can’t help but think of myself sitting on the edge of the bed in the theatre talking to the surgeon asking questions, i just don’t know why i didn’t say i’m not sure or i dont want to but at the time i did but i wish i didn’t want to.
We took our baby home with us, in the car i was holding this pot with our baby in an all i felt was attachment, i never wanted to let that pot go. We had bought a mini coffin and was planning on putting our little angel to bed in a pot with a rose we had picked out a couple of days before, but after i saw the tiny hands and feet, the parts i had grown, it seemed more real, i couldn’t do it that night.
We decided to have just one night with our baby in our room with us, and im glad we did.
In the morning we woke up early and put our baby to rest, it was one of the hardest things i’ve ever ever done apart from putting my mum to rest.
Ive just spent the last week crying, i can’t think about anything else, i thought i was doing it to protect my baby, i would rather live a life of pain than bring my baby into a life where it doesn’t even have its own room or where i couldn’t give it everything i’ve imagined since i was a little girl. Now all i can think about is the fact i’ve hurt my baby and that they’d never forgive me for that.
I know it was the right decision but i feel like someone’s died, i feel like i’m missing a part of myself but not just that, a part of my day, the someone to talk to, the something to look after and live for.
I just feel heartbroken that if someone could put it back i would say yes in a heartbeat and just work everything else out after.
I feel like everyone looks at me like a murderer now, i feel like one, i can’t get my head around it all.
I can’t process the grief of my mum and our baby all at the same time.
I find my self sitting here daydreaming about the baby still being here, pulling up at the beach and imagining having to get the pram out of the boot and put the baby in it, about day trips we’d have, and i wish it would all be real.
My boyfriends struggling with it to and that kills me even more to see him in pain.
I just want our baby back so bad, i want to have that feeling again, but i feel like this is going to mentally affect me having more children, i don’t want to became pregnant again at the moment with another baby, i just want that baby.