In a pit of anxiety

[Imamess12]

Just been looking through some pics I took of DD today 20 months old), she has the biggest grin on her face, just radiates happiness and love of life. It's made me cry as I'm wondering whether I looked like this at her age and how I have got to the point I am now.

Anxiety has been creeping in slowly, I never thought it was "bad enough" to do anything about it, but really it's ruling my life now. I only feel comfortable at home now.

I still like the idea of getting out and about but when I do it gets increasingly difficult. Last weekend we went out and I was anxious all day about the kids routine. Then we rode a bus and I was anxious about sitting down in case we could catch bed bugs. I stood the whole time, but the kids sat which horrified me and I washed all of our clothes that evening.

Then we looked for somewhere to eat and I couldn't bring myself to pick any of the amazing places on offer, just a bog standard boring chain restaurant we've been to a million times because I couldn't trust anything else (I have a fear of vomiting). I also didn't order my first pick as it was shellfish (See fear of vomiting) and went for something plain instead.

I'm supposed to visit family for the weekend and I'm thinking of making up an excuse as I am worried I will pass something on or contaminate them in some way.

This afternoon I tried to relax in the garden but I started worrying because it was sunny, I started Googling average May temperatures in the UK and worrying about climate change and my children growing up in a world that's too hot, and them not having access to food or water.

Im worrying about everything, all the time. No-one knows I'm this bad, I'm so embarrassed. I'm wasting life and hoping my poor little joyous girl doesn't end up like me.

Or maybe it's normal and I'm not that bad? I just don't know anymore.

That’s not normal. And it is that bad. The best way to ensure you don’t pass it on is to seek RL help. Speak to your GP.

Hugs op. It is anxiety- health anxiety,
don’t Google anything Trust me
biggest suggestions- feel the fear, do it anyway.

setraline helped me with my obsessions and dwindling thoughts massively. It quietened them down and wow what a difference after 2 weeks
also, I go the gym a lot.

That must be so hard. You really do need help OP. Call your GP to get the ball rolling.

Thank you. I just can't bring myself to ring the GP. I've considered it before when having physical anxiety symptoms like racing heart, tight chest, feeling like I can't breathe, and thought medication could be a good idea.

But I don't have those now, just the mental obsessing. Surely all I need to do is just stop obsessing, I'm so mad at myself!

I am starting to struggle to function though, especially at work, I'm paralysed by fear that I'm going to do something wrong and get fired and won't be able to provide for my children and will fail them.

I think this could well be ocd and you can get therapy for that, though can be long wait on NHS but can self refer online without GP if that helps.

I have no advice but I just want to say you're not alone. I'm exactly the same as this and have diagnosed anxiety and OCD. Currently waiting for more NHS counselling but considering trying to pay for some myself. I take antidepressants which help on a day to day basis but I do still struggle with anything even remotely stressful. Please feel free to reach out, even if I don't have any answers for you it's nice to not feel alone.

Thank you @Nosleepclub13 @Silkierabbit . I actually had cbt after DC2 was born as I'm always worse post partum. I only did 6 weeks but felt great at the time. I regularly got "tested" for OCD but never scored high enough. I wonder ifI would now.

I've had an awful weekend and really can't carry on like this. For 2 days I was convinced I had a brain tumour, and then today I am convinced we have bed bugs as there were blood stains on DH,'s pillow.

I've been googling, inspecting, washing, and trying not to have a panic attack.

I should have been enjoying a lovely day with my amazing kids but I could barely breathe. I can't believe this is my life.

I definitely think it's worth going through assessment again and just being brutally honest. For a long time I didn't want to have OCD so would downplay some things which did me absolutely no favours at all. I have OCD whether I like it or not so it's just better for everyone for me to be as honest as possible.

Do you take anything to help? I was on sertraline for a long time and now on fluoxotine.

After DC1 was born I was so consumed with thoughts that something was seriously wrong with him that I could hardly even look at him if was terrible. Things can and will get better. I'm sorry you're going through this but you're not alone 💞