Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Flip

Original poster

How to deal with husbands relapses

13 replies

Learningalongtheway · 03/05/2023 10:11

Morning everyone. My husband had a breakdown 12 months ago, don't want to go into too much detail but he had medication and care of a mental health team that see him regularly. He recovered 100% and life returned to normal and he returned to work after having 6 months off. He works from home luckily.
Unfortunately he had a very rare side effect to the medication and they have had to take him off it earlier than they would have liked but he'd done so well they were hopeful. Now he's off hem he's immediately started to slip back . Due a visit from mental health nurse tomorrow so will speak to her about it
During the worst times, I had to do 100% of everything, I had to look after him, the kids ,house and all day to day things whilst he completely checked out. Everything was good and we got through it.
Over the past few weeks I've been feeling very low and I think I'm depressed. The team did tell me at the time that it's common for partners to get ptsd after the event or depression themselves and it seems to be happening. Now I need some support or medication. I just had to keep going day after day and didn't have a moment to think whereas now it all seems to have hit me like a tonne of bricks .
And now whilst I'm feeling like this , he tells me he's slipping back again. I just don't know what to do. I can't go through it all again. I don't have anything left in me to provide the same level of support . Any advice?

OP posts:

Unescorted · 03/05/2023 10:27

It is hard isn't it.

It isn't your job to make him better. He needs to speak to his MH team about that & it is good he has access to MH services.

You need to take care of yourself. I found that giving myself permission to let things slip I created enough headspace to function - you cannot be all things to all people so prioritise what is important to you & your kids.

My list was the classic food and shelter. Get up & go to work to pay for the mortgage and food. Make sure the kids are fed & loved. Anything beyond that really didn't matter - housework, doing things for other people, doing things because other people think you ought all got crossed off the to do list. Doing things because I wanted to went straight up the list because even small moments of joy kept me from tipping over the edge.

I also stopped listening to people who had "advice" on how to make my husband better and what I should be doing to facilitate that. Normally from people who had not been in the situation or who had had MH issues in the past & were giving me their wish list of things they wanted doing for them.

My unexpected joy was finding an acquaintance who was really good at listening without judgement and not trying to fix anything. We are really good friends now... and she still doesn't try to fix things. I hope I have learnt her listening skills & my advice is not a directive.

Original poster

Learningalongtheway · 03/05/2023 10:32

Thank you. My main worry is I don't think I can take everything on myself again. Its so exhausting whilst constantly worrying about him
My kids are older so they are aware of it and I feel so sorry for them that they are having to witness it. For it to happen a second time it's just too disruptive for them . It's not fair and I can't do it to them.
I'm catastrosizing I know but I think the best thing would be for him to move out for a whole

OP posts:

Unescorted · 03/05/2023 10:50

It is exhausting - I keep a thin veneer of concern and have a back up plan if the worst does happen. He and his medical team can work on getting him better & I picked up the slack with the kids.

In my head the worst my dh could have done is check out/ kill himself/ stopped working.... which were all possibilities. My back up plan was I made sure my wage covered the basic outgoings (and this is still the case). That way the impact of his illness was/is limited to him & our grief. It sounds really cold and heartless written down like that....

Space can work - my dh went to a MH hospital for a time. It gave him space to get well and me space to be "normal". With subsequent relapses we have managed with him at home.... the kids & I get on with our lives and he lies on the sofa until exercise or pills kick in.

One thing that has been a huge help is him giving up drinking. I have stopped as well so that he doesn't feel left out & a lot of our friends come out with us & we are all on lemonades & AF beers.

The kids are accepting that shit happens. Unfortunately dd also has depression - but she is better able to manage it because we were really open with her dad's MH. She knew early on that she was not right & sought our help.

InAMuddl · 03/05/2023 20:27

Can you contact your GP to ask for some support for you? It might also be worth talking to your local carers association as whilst it may not feel like you can call it that, you are very much caring for him with all of this. It is my mother in my case who I support re mental health, and am currently on anxiety meds and starting counselling due to PTSD from a previous episode. Another episode has kicked off recently and all of that has brought everything to the surface and I have really struggled to cope- and I don’t live with her. It’s such a tricky situation.

You have to take care of you and your children first. The MH team can look after your husband, but you need support for you as well. I really hope things settle down and you have some support that helps. GPs are usually really good at trying to support you in a situation like this and phoning them might be a helpful first step.

TwilightSkies · 03/05/2023 20:34

Is him moving out an option? If that will take some pressure off you.
He’s had the luxury of checking out. You haven’t. No wonder you’re feeling this way.
Hopefully they can sort some medication for him asap.

BHRK · 03/05/2023 20:39

I wouldn’t say having a breakdown or suffering deep depression is the “luxury of checking out”.
He needs medication and fast. Tell the MH nurse that his decline is directly related to coming off meds and what else is there to try?
and see the GP for yourself as you may need antidepressants too. Or CBT, or both

TwilightSkies · 03/05/2023 20:49

Being allowed to do nothing but focus on your recovery IS a luxury when you have a family. Someone needs to take care of the kids/house etc!

kizziee · 03/05/2023 22:14

Was the side effect something that could apply to other ADs too or do they think it was just that specific medication.
As he did well on the medication I would make those conversations your priority.
it must be a huge stress on you and you deserve to be looked after to.
(in my family I am the one with mh issues and in a relapse at the moment. It’s 20 years since I last had a problem and I did everything I could to pull my weight in those intervening years.)

allthepeaches · 03/05/2023 22:37

Sorry to hear what you're going through OP. Stopping antidepressants suddenly can lead to bad withdrawal which some people find terribly difficult and similar symptoms to before they started taking them. How long has he been off them? And was the side effect worse to live with than his current state?

Original poster

Learningalongtheway · 04/05/2023 07:38

His withdrawal was well managed and slow. He had no sense effects actually coming off them but the same feelings he had before have come straight back
The side effect is very rare and it can happen with all ssri medication so I don't know what else they can offer until we speak to them today. Unfortunately the risk outweighs the benefit of taking ssri even though they worked so well
I know it nobody's fault that this is happening but when everything had just got back to normal it is gut wrenching.

We are so concerned about finances which puts extra pressure on him, he is the high earner in our family and we wouldn't be able to stay in our home if he can no longer work. Luckily his work paid him full pay for the time he was off but that won't happen again. They've been so good with him doing a phased return and low work load but he admitted yesterday he can't even cope with that.

OP posts:

Choconut · 04/05/2023 07:54

Speak to them today before you make any decisions, there may be an alternative medication.
Does he have somewhere he can go if needed? To his parents? You have to protect yourself and your kids and if you need him to move out then so be it. It sounds like you're looking for permission to ask him to move out - you don't need permission, you know you can't cope again so you need to do what you need to do if things are going to go that way.

It's an awful situation for all of you, better to tell him gently that you need him to move out than to wait until everything is falling apart and you're too overwhelmed to do anything but watch it fall.

Original poster

Learningalongtheway · 04/05/2023 08:08

No he has nowhere to go. His family aren't aware there is anything wrong and we hid it well last time
But even if he could he wouldn't do well staying with his parents as his mum is very intense and she would just make everything worse
Just feel completely trapped by the whole situation. We were having marriage troubles before any of this happened, his first breakdown almost broke us and neither of us are the same person. I just don't want this anymore it is soul destroying
He has extreme reactions to any medications aswell as he is hypersensitive so anything they put him on will knock him off his feet for a good couple of weeks.
He's got higher management needing things from him daily and a team of staff to manage, he just can't do it

OP posts:

Unescorted · 05/05/2023 11:25

@Learningalongtheway Having it out there helped with us... I am thankful that Dh has been really open about his MH. It meant we didn't have the added pressure of trying to hide it around people who didn't know. You will get people who step away from you ...but in my view they weren't worth the emotional investment.

From a practical side I put in place lots of If This Happens Then strategies....

eg If his MH may get worse & impact his work then he needs to inform his employer so they can put mitigation in place - reduce his workload, reduce his reports, buddy him up with a MH first aider. Doing this before a crisis point makes it easer for them to manage & put in place appropriate workplace help

if he might be put on reduced hours & it impacts on his income then reduce down outgoings.

If he gets worse the kids may be impacted so then the school needs to know so they can help your kids.

The aim is to think of all the worst case scenarios and have put in mitigation before hand.... so reduced income is likely so reduce the outgoings now, pay down debt if you can, research housing options (interest only mortgages, mortgage holidays with your existing mortgage provider, rental availability), get the employers are up to speed so can put in places measures to help prevent him needing to take more time off than necessary.

The theory is that by having the plan there you no longer have to worry about the what if happening because you know what your response will be if it happens.

Flip