Lack of expected response

[fudgedinthehead]

name changed
Please read to the end of this before judging/commenting as I'd like to see if I have a normal response.

Over the last few years I have:
Escaped a financially abusive marriage.
Raised the kids from that with the EOW pattern.
Managed to find work in previous skill set.
Got discharged from a few years battle with cancer.
Got into a new relationship.
Had another child.
Escaped the physically abusive relationship.
Raising that child single-handedly.
Am in family court/cafcass - likely to have to allow access to the father who is abusive to kids. Most weeks are reliving abuse through telling various professionals.
Mortgage increased by 400% (yes, 400! Its IO)
Ex-husband won't help secure a fixed rate as wants to price me out of the house.
Ex-husband has chosen favourite child and am dealing with fallout for others. They don't have a bedroom at his new house (he has just got engaged).
My house is literally falling apart, I mean literally. On windy days the cladding at the back ends up in neighbours garden. Inside is no different.
Youngest has health issues which impacts what we can do as a family and some days I may just tend to her and no one else.
My teenage boys are on the verge of killing each other so I have decided to split the largest bedroom.

Just this weekend:
I went to move the boys around. As I moved the furniture it was covered in black mould. Turns out the bathroom has had/still has a massive leak. Have managed to temporarily fix it but means no carpet in that room and have had to decamp to another as floorboard soaked and covered in black mould so needs to dry out. Under wallpaper was also mouldy.
Bathroom flooring removed as floorboard in same state as bedroom.
Youngest was hospitalised just before weekend, since discharged but in between sorting yesterday she had liquid poo and still does. So dealing with that still.
My home is starting to look like an episode of hoarders due to the kids stuff having to come here as it isn't at their fathers now they don't have a room.
Work is incredibly stressful. I look after multiple sites and it's only me to do the job. There are no plans for recruiting an additional person. It's a niche role and can't be covered.

So my question is: Throughout all this, I've remained ok and calm. Yesterday I had a little cry, for a couple of minutes and just thought "right, get on with it". I take everything in my stride. I rarely accept help.
That's wrong isn't it? I was just dealing with youngest poo again and it occurred to me I probably should have had a bit of a breakdown by now. Why am I not feeling the response I think I should have?

I am not looking for a Pat on the back for all this. I know that compared to my friends I do have it hard, I'm frequently told that they don't know how I cope.

It's genuinely worried me that I will hit a wall and some point and won't get up again.
Has anyone gone through similar? Is it to do with something I've repressed? And now I can't feel much if it's not happiness? Most days I'm cheerful.

My closest experience - yes, it’s normal survival response. I couldn’t possibly have broken down at any point because I was the only one holding everything together. Absolutely grim time, we were hanging by a thread.

But when things got better and others were functioning, I crashed. It took me about a year to recover.

Do you get any downtime? I'm guessing not much. It is admirable how you've managed to keep cheerful, that's going to help massively.

I don't get much downtime, if any, @PeterLemonJello My eldest babysits but only if she doesn't have plans so I may get out for a couple of hours once a month. Now most of the kids are older I don't get any evenings as they go to bed when I do. I miss the days of kids in bed at 7 and a couple hours to myself.
@JulieHoney I do feel very much in a survival mode, basically let's just deal with this and make it through the day.
When youngest is leaving school I'll be in my 60s so do you think I should schedule in a late life gap year to process the last fifteen years or so? I can't imagine there being a time when I'm not needed as both fathers are oblivious to how their actions, and the enabling of the favourite's actions, affected/affect the other children.

I think you SHOULD be liking for a pat on the back.
You know, as mums we give out a LOT and don't always get to replenish the supply.
Having a pat on the back, a hug, a 'well done, you' , a laugh and a moan with a friend, a chill out night- it's all part of topping your supply back up. Like the pp said- it can end disastrously if you don't.

So.
Well done you. It's a looooot to cope with. Nothing lasts forever.
Sending you a hug.

I hope you get at least a couple of hours to yourself this weekend o.p.