I have suffered from low mood/anxiety and periods of severe depression since having a "breakdown" at 13 years old. Since then I've tried pretty much every medication going - 13 in total I think, seen psychiatrists, had 4 rounds of CBT, seen a psychologist, several counsellors and am currently seeing a psychotherapist. I have been checked for ASD, ADHD and personality disorders at my request and been told I don't have any of them. I've been told I could have generalised anxiety disorder, treatment resistant depression, complex trauma (PTSD) but no-one seems to agree. All I know is that I am always sad, admittedly to varying degrees but I always have an emptiness in me and it dominates my life. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on the verge of tears and regularly end up crying in the mornings and in the shower. It's exhausting to fight it and keep putting on a mask for family and friends everyday. I overthink everything often to the point of panic but its all in my head no-one can see because Ive had 25 years of practice at hiding it. I'm married and have two amazing children and work in a job I love but I just feel so disconnected from what I have all the time because of this gnawing unhappiness. There have been times over the years that were better, long periods where I was free of it but I can't work out why and now I seem to have settled into this horrible sad, overwhelmed, irritability and just can't break free anymore. It's no life for me or for my family because what I'm giving them isn't real or enough.
But what do you do when you've tried everything? Has anyone else been here? Is there something I'm missing because I don't want this to be it for me for the rest of my life. I just feel so lost 😪