I've always suffered with depression on and off and have self harmed for just over 20 years. It's my coping strategy and I have no inclination to stop. However, when I had DS1, depression and SH ramped up and I suffered really badly for a couple of years afterwards. I didn't tell anyone and it settled down eventually to my 'normal' depression/ self harming which I manage. It did affect bonding with DS1 and it did nearly destroy my marriage but we got through it and I adore my little boy.
However, DH and I always did want more than one baby and I couldn't shake the feeling of wanting another. I felt strong enough last year (when DS1 turned 5) to start trying again. Currently 31 weeks pregnant with DS2. Initially I told the midwife my past struggles (didn't mention self harm tbh but did tell her about the PND). All fine and mental health seemed ok. However, last month or so I can feel myself falling again. My self harming is spiralling and I'm having more episodes of depression. I daren't tell my husband as he was concerned about this happening again and I just hate the thought of telling anyone medical as it's so embarrassing. I've been on anti depressants in the past and they did nothing for me and I don't want to be medicated whilst I'm pregnant anyway. And I've tried a lot of counselling over the years but I find that useless tbh.
What can I do to preempt the spiral when baby comes which I feel is inevitable? I really thought I was strong enough this time as I knew what was coming but I'm obviously not. Feeling a bit of a failure 😞