Self worth - what is this?

[namechangeasparanoid]

I've just come out of a on off 3.5 year relationship where I know looking back I was treated very poorly. It was a push pull negative cycle situation and my ex had huge disorganised avoidant attachment tendencies. Wed manage 6-9 months at a time. We'd get close he'd push away, the relationship would end and then we'd start again once he'd calmed down. During these breaks I'd get on with my life, be incredibly upset but keep my hopeful we'd work it out. During the breaks he'd seek out casual sex and flirtations to keep himself feeling good. He is a known flirt and locally seems to have had sex with every third woman. I have only just accepted this despite knowing about various things over the years I always gave him an excuse. The last time when he thought I was moving on without him he went all out with talk of marriage, buying a home together, booked us a holiday etc but it's happened again where he's told me that he knows now there's no future and it's not going to work. Fair enough. It's not. For background, my relationship with the ex before him lasted 10 years and we have two children together. He's emotionally and verbally abusive to me still. I don't listen to him but occasionally it gets on top of me as it's just none stop.

A few friends have spoken to me and said that they realise my self worth is incredibly low and I'll be honest it's not something I really understand. My friends tell me I'm funny, kind, honest, dependable, attractive and a real catch but have no self worth.

I scrub up ok, wear nice clothes on a toned slim body (I know it's not everything just setting the scene) have a good hair and know what clothes suit me. So to look at, it's all ok and don't have any body hang ups.

I have a good strong group of friends to I can rely on but my closest friends and family live over 250 miles away so I can't just walk down the road to see them that frequently.

I can overthink things and I do have imposter syndrome at work but that's also partly down to these relationships taking over my head and neglecting some of the work I need to do.

I know I've allowed both of these men to treat me appallingly, time after time and I don't know why I've allowed it or how to make sure it doesn't happen again.

So what is self worth and what is the route to building it up and making sure I don't accept this again. I feel confused and lost.

Self worth is the belief that you are valuable and worthy of being loved - it's a core belief that develops in your formative years between (around) 3-9.

There's a lovely line in the book The Help when Aibileen tells Mae Mobley "You is kind, you is smart, you is important". No mention of pretty, popular, slim or any of the other words we use to describe the outside of people.

Kind. Smart. Important.

https://positivepsychology.com/self-worth/#what-determines-self-worth

I suppose that's part of my problem then, if I'm considering how I look as part of my "package".

It is Interesting that what somebody looks like isn't on my priority list for what I look out for in friends - if they're kind, have integrity and are reliable/dependable are high up on the qualities I look for there. I'd like to say I am all of those too.

Thanks for the link. I'll take a read now.

@Eyesopenwideawake do you have any tips on how to develop and improve self worth?

Raise your standards in every area of your life, especially self value, self approval. You don't tolerate unnecessary drama, rudeness, unreasonable behaviour etc. You only tolerate what brings you peace and showing others how you expect to be treated. Surround yourself with like minded people. When a woman knows her true worth she can't be manipulated or controlled, it's extremely liberating.

Self worth isn’t about what you’re bringing to the table; it’s about who you’re willing to tolerate sitting at your table.

Swear off men for a minimum of 12 months and in that time start a romantic relationship with yourself. Buy nice treats, ask yourself what you feel like doing, be that proactive, generous, kind person for yourself. Over and over again until it becomes second nature and you’re really listening to your inner voice.

Therapy is an absolutely wonderful investment in yourself. A huge part of self worth is being comfortable with your flaws too, knowing that it’s ok to be vulnerable or prickly or difficult because that’s all a part of you, and how you move in the world.

Then when you’re ready, you look to add a man in to your life who adds to it. He has to be worth giving up time with yourself. He has to recognise your value You set the standard high and pass on those who don’t meet it, because it’s not worth the time and trouble to you to put up with less.

For me, self worth was knowing I matter too. Not me first, but me too.

I am worth having the same opportunities and nice things that everyone else, especially members of my own family have.

I am worth being treated with kindness and respect.

I walked away, no drama, just walked away from anyone who doesn't share my belief that I am worth this.

Start with this book;

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Responsibility-Rebellion-Unconventional-Approach-Empowerment/dp/154450912X

As I mentioned early, self worth is often determined in childhood. If you recognise that you didn't get that validation - that you are as good and as deserving as everyone else as you are then have a read of this excellent article and start challenging any negative core beliefs;

https://www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

I think of self worth the same as OneRing.

In a relationship you don’t let the other person make all the decisions that affect you, or give up on your hopes, dreams and wishes so the other person can fulfil theirs.

This is so lovely. Thank you.