Good morning
I'm a supervisor (2nd in command sort of thing) in a small department of 10 women.
My problem is that I'm really struggling to assert myself in the work place, which leads to the staff taking advantage, which leads to me feeling resentful and incompetent.
When I do try to assert myself I start to feel anxious inside and feel myself blushing and sweating, it makes me feel so stupid. I feel like I'm not explaining this very well.. I'll try to give a couple of examples as I'd like some constructive advice to help with this, I'm sat here feeling so hopeless about it.
My boss was away for a few days a couple of weeks ago, therefore I was left in charge of the department. I feel like when the boss is out of the way the attitude of the staff changes completely, they stand around talking and laughing loudly when they should be working, they down tools and ask if they can leave early (they are all part time workers who work 3 hours per day in the evening) they wouldn't dream of doing any of this when the boss is there. I find it very difficult to say no and usually end up just agreeing to everything they ask, then I feel so annoyed at myself for being weak. I know they think I'm a pushover and have no respect for me. I could mention other things that have happened but I feel it would be outing for me to do so.
I'm really starting to feel that I shouldn't have taken this job, I enjoy the actual work and love that my brain is being tested with new tasks, but I can't stand the managing people side of it, I'm just not cut out for it. I try to always be kind and empathetic in all areas of life, but I'm finding at work my soft nature is just seen as weakness.
I really like the women that I work with and get along with all of them quite well. When I got my supervisory position, someone told me that I would have to distance myself in some ways from the staff, I didn't take that on board as I felt it was silly advice, but now I start to wonder.
I feel like the worry of this situation is affecting my health. I've recently been diagnosed with high blood pressure, I'm getting pressure type headaches and an intermittent twitch in my eye(!) my IBS is up the wall and I often feel like I want to cry. When in work I constantly feel like my heart is racing and I'm waiting for the next 'situation'.
I know I sound like a wet lettuce but I'm really not. I've overcome a lot of awful stuff in my life: My Father's suicide, my Son being stabbed in the neck and nearly dying, abusive partner, suicidal brother who I looked after for 2 years due to his mental breakdown. I came through all of this with very little help from anyone else, so why can't I find the strength to stand up for myself in the work place? It makes no sense to me, I know I'm a strong person so why can't I stand up for myself?
I've been wondering whether I should ask the doctor for anxiety medication. Do any of you think this would help? Maybe if I felt calmer inside I would deal with this situation better? I just don't know what to do. I've cut out caffeine as I felt that it was making my heart race even more, sometimes I feel like I have electricity coursing through my body, it's such an awful feeling.
Also, before I forget, I'm in my early 50's, I think I'm perimenopausal which probably isn't helping with the way I feel. Would HRT help? I know I'm clutching at straws but I just don't want to feel this way in work anymore.
I'd be so appreciative of any help or advice.
Please be kind, I'm sat here in tears asking strangers as I have no one else to ask.
Thanks in advance.