I can't even be a normal person.

[Whatsthatspookynoise]

I have been a stay at home mum for the last 11 years. I have very limited job experience and no further education. The reason is, I genuinely believed I would end my life before any of it mattered. Then I had my first child and knew I wouldn't do that. I can't function like a regular human. I am terrible at talking. I come off as awkward and weird and I see it in people's faces all the time. I only have 2 friends that have been my friends since I was a child because I am too awkward to meet new people. As for a job. I am TERRIFIED. of literally everything to do with a job you could think of. I've convinced myself that I'm never going to learn how to do the job properly and get fired and I'll be humiliated. I'm scared of awkward works chats and people thinking I'm the weird girl.

So my situation right now is pathetic. My cousin said he would GIVE me a job. It's a beginners job in an industry that you can work your way up in quickly. I just have to write up a CV and apply and he'll literally pick me. I agreed, but I'm shaking so hard my arms wouldn't work for half an hour after the conversation. My body started feeling weak and tired and I was slurring my words. It's quite far away and I don't drive. I'll have to get a 40 minute train and walk for 24 minutes. My mind is telling me this will not work out and I'll embarrass my cousin and ruin our relationship. I'm so fucking scared. I can't just be normal and get a job without having a breakdown. I feel like I'm the biggest loser in the world all the time.

It's just safe sitting at home with my toddler and I need to break out of this, but my body just betrays me.

Sorry for the rant. I just can't talk to people about this in real life.

This sounds so awful for you, I’m sorry. I’m very glad you’ve found an anchor worth living for in your DC. But are you also getting proper mental health support? I think that (plus maybe medication?) could be the first port of call.

I just couldn't read and scroll by, sending an online hug to you. Have you had any counselling? Perhaps you could try that, maybe you could do a little work experience with your cousin to slowly get you used to it? A few of your phrases lead me to ask if you've ever explored if you have some neurodiversity? Maybe looking at this could give you some answers as to why you feel the way you do. Wishing you the best. I'm sure more helpful posters will be along soon.

I think the commute for that job is too much with a toddler to look after. Enjoy staying at home with your toddler until they go to school and then look for something more local. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Do you want a job and to try and improve your life, manage things better? If you do then I think first step will be getting proper mental health support and, honestly, put in a lot of hard work to start to work through your feelings. It’s bloody tough but it’s the best thing you can do for your child too.

You’re not pathetic or a loser, and there is no “normal”. You don’t tell people about feelings and lots of others don’t share theirs either - doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

here if you want to share further

And there may be more to explore about this: “I can't function like a regular human. I am terrible at talking. I come off as awkward and weird and I see it in people's faces all the time.”

Have you ever explored autism or anything similar?

I think sometimes it's too easy to believe we don't matter. But we do all matter - even if we can't see the why! You've found a 'why' when you became a mother and hopefully you can see that you DO fit into this jigsaw of life.

Try and see that you CAN at least try this job you've been offered. If you can be a mother - and the first time you're a mother it's pretty scary because none of us know what we're doing! - then you can take on a lot more than you think you can.
And what have you got to lose if you write a CV, start a job and then decide it's not for you? Life is about finding out what works for us and what doesn't xx

Sorry you feel this way. If it’s any consolation I think a lot of people panic and overthink situations so you’re not alone. You’ve been a SATM for 11 years so of course you’re nervous to do something new. Try not to think so negatively about yourself re further education.
if you’re concerned about the commute and working with your cousin for now why don’t you put that off for a while. Start small, maybe a coffee shop for a shift, some job where you won’t have to take on extra concerns what other people think. Just to gain the confidence of doing something new. If you don’t like it you leave! No problems!!

Working in a coffee shop if you're an anxious person would be really hard.

Have you tried any medication for your anxiety, OP? Antidepressants or Propranolol?

Hey, this sounds like anxiety to me. I would recommend self referral to your local talking therapy services for an assessment. If you haven’t done so already, look at CBT therapy on line. Whilst upsetting to experience, you are not alone and it’s not unusual to feel like this.
Breaking things down into smaller goals you would like to achieve/overcome could be a good start and less overwhelming? Ie going out independently and using public transport.
I just want you to know you are definitely not a loser.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, but honestly even if you can't see it in yourself, you have so much value. I doubt your cousin would have offered you a job if they thought you might embarrass or let them down! But as others have said, have you accessed mental health support?

As a pp has said. That commute sounds a bit much unless it's only a day or 2 a week. I agree with finding support locally and then perhaps a small job locally. Also, normal is overrated 😄

Have you had trauma Therapy?

I have that reaction to bureaucracy, it's horrible and has complicated my life no end. I haven't had any therapy for it but I believe CBT is what you need.

You need some help well before applying for a job. See you doctor. Ask for counselling information.

And then baby steps. A couple of hours in a charity shop volunteering would be a good first job. Ask to start by being non public facing and slowly build up. You don't need a full time job and long commutes etc at this stage - it's far to big a step from where you are at the moment but is absolutely doable in time.

When your mind believes that what you're trying to do is beyond your capabilities and/or will make you unhappy it will do whatever's necessary to stop you - hence the shaking, weakness and slurring. When this happens it reinforces your belief that you can't or shouldn't be doing. Your mind ISN'T trying to hurt you - it's trying to protect you, based on information you learnt as a child and now believe to be absolutely true.

As a mother you have many, many skills - time management, multitasking, budgeting, making instant decisions, cooking, running a small business (your home), communication and negotiation experience and nurturing. All are transferable to the work environment.

When did you lose faith in yourself?