How do you learn to love yourself?

[ThePastKnocks]

I'm going to preface this by saying 1) I'm overweight and have been for years, it's an emotional thing I'm trying to break and I'm having surgery 2) I'm already in therapy.

My therapist has said that I need to rid myself of the narrative that I'm not good enough and start reframing things. For me, I've started to think, "ok, I don't know how to do that but I will learn" or "I'll do X better next time". I still can't tell myself I'm great at anything though and there's always some level of indirect criticism.

Funnily enough, sometimes I sound like I'm boasting to others about things I do but I think there's a level of seeking approval. This is my most annoying characteristic that I dislike about myself and it's a cycle doing it and disliking myself more. I imagine I started as a teenager for validation when I was left with an uninterested parent who stopped caring. I have come to terms with that over the years.

So where do I start in believing I'm good enough and start loving myself?

I was left with an uninterested parent who stopped caring

Your core beliefs are formed in childhood, between the ages of around 2/3 to about 8-10, which is when your conscious, rational mind starts to develop. Before that age you didn't have the capacity to question if what you were being told - or what you learnt or absorbed - was objectively true. So whatever you believed about yourself, other people and the wider world during that first decade of life is fixed as truth in your mind.

I love this article on core beliefs - especially the downward arrow technique and the exercises you can use to challenge and change those ingrained 'truths'.

https://www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

Oh, and have a read of - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Responsibility-Rebellion-Unconventional-Approach-Empowerment/dp/154450912X

Don't jump on me for this, because the terminology is really really unhelpful and will sound like I'm insulting you when I don't intend to, but it sounds like as a form of self-defence as a teenager, you've had to develop some traits that aren't helping you any more, and which sometimes get described with the word "narcissistic".

I'm not mentioning it because I'm in any way qualified to diagnose a serious set of difficulties like those that get diagnosed as "narcissistic personality disorder", or because I think you have that disorder, but because I think there might be bits of the thinking patterns you describe that are similar to some bits of those patterns described by those disorders, though of course they're more serious, pervasive and persistent in a personality disorder.

Basically, there's two very different types of people who get picked up under the narcissist label. The ones who think they're amazing and deserve way better than everyone else (grandiose narcissists), and the ones who don't like themselves and feel inferior, but cope with that by trying to convince other people they're great, so that they get bolstered by a bit of approval and reassurance from others (vulnerable narcissists).

That leaves the latter group really vulnerable, because any time they don't feel like they've been successful in making people people think they're great enough that it compensates for their own feelings of being awful, or they're alone so not getting any input from others to balance out their own feelings about themselves, they're left with their crappy feelings about themselves, plus maybe the feeling that others have also evaluated them and found them wanting.

Unfortunately, unlike most traits where having a label to Google for will help you find info and resources for dealing with that problem and related issues, it's really hard to use the label "narcissistic" to find resources aimed at people with low self-esteem who have picked up this particular unhelpful coping technique. (It's mostly stuff for people who have armchair-diagnosed their evil parents or their horrible cunt of an ex-husband as narcissists, and need help recovering, TBH.) It is possible to find the odd thing, but you have to dig through a lot of stuff that would be pretty upsetting if you were to think it applied to you. I've heard good things about mentalisation-based therapy and schema therapy for this sort of thing, though.

@JarByTheDoor WTAF???

@JarByTheDoor sorry I don't think you are on the right lines at all and I find your post offensive.

Eyesopen it's a coping technique lots of people have, one of lots of ways of dealing with low self-esteem that can end up being counter-productive. One way to find resources to help people deal with this unhelpful coping technique is to use one of the words that's (unfortunately) been associated with that coping technique historically. You can also read up on the concept of "healthy narcissism" if you want to understand that the word is used for more than just nasty evil arrogant people, or as an insult thrown around on MN.

It's like you become your very own best friend. Kindness is key, in the way you speak to yourself and look after yourself. You take care of all your own needs, your more than capable, you learn to value yourself. When you treat yourself with self love your raising the bar, raising your standards in every area of your life and showing others how to treat you.
"Is this good for me ?" becomes your mantra. Surround yourself with people who genuinely care, step away from drama and negativity.
None of us are perfect but learn to like the way you look, 'This is my body, it works hard to keep me alive and l love it" work with it, not against.
You don't only nourish your body, but your mind as well, get off social media ,read books and listen to people on wellbeing and peace of mind, it's all food for the soul.
Self love is the best medicine, it frees you from needing or even wanting validation and approval, because you approve yourself, warts and all. It will bring so many positive changes, you will never look back. It doesn't guarantee a perfect life but it makes your own life, no matter how messy and far way from the blue print of how you wanted life to be, a million miles better.

Best bit of advice a therapist gave me was "be kind to yourself". It's ok not to be perfect, it's ok to make a mistake, it's ok to forget something, it's ok to have a lazy day...

Learning to love yourself isn't easy, especially when those who should have cared for you as a child didn't do it. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's hard.

The way I learned was through Inner Child work, where you look back to your younger self and give her the love she didn't have at the time. If you have any childhood pictures, those can help you connect to your younger self. There is a very good piece here by the late Thich Nhat Hanh. I hope you find something in it.

I do understand what you're saying @JarByTheDoor but I don't think I necessarily come across as narcissistic just a bit irritating at times. It's never about my looks, skills, etc. Occasionally it might be over something great I bought but more so a "this is fantastic, I think everyone should have it". Sometimes it's over a decision I made that panned out well or parenting wins, times where a parent may have naturally validated and praised their children.

You don't only nourish your body, but your mind as well, get off social media ,read books and listen to people on wellbeing and peace of mind, it's all food for the soul. I did get off of social media and cut out toxic people, read a bit but I feel I was left a bit isolated although I do feel like I have more time for me. I'm not sure what to do with it though so I've started to get outside more when I can.

I j guess I just can't get the kindness bit down, I don't realise I'm being negative to myself.

@Handyweatherstation Thank you, I can imagine that would be quite helpful although a bit painful too. I'll give it a go!

@ThePastKnocks - it can be painful when you find the hurt child, but I found that my younger self reacted with relief and then joy. If you're comfortable imagining things, think about what you might do together. I take my younger self to the beach, where we play. We visit museums and then go for hot chocolate and toasted teacakes. I buy her new clothes and brush her hair. Or sometimes we just cuddle. It can be so comforting.