cant get over a abortion i had 5 years ago

[cshells]

the baby would have been 5 in the next few weeks (god that brings tears to my eyes)

i had 1 dc then who was 9 months, there only would have been 16 months between by babies.

i was happily married (still am) with a lovely house and enough money to scrape by on, but i felt tlike i would not cope. everyone was so down on me when i told them i was pregnant and i think i may have had a touch of pnd from dc1 that was never picked up on.

i was so ill during my first pregnancy with dc1 and this next pregnancy was 10 times worse, i could not cope with a young baby, no support and being pregnant and so ill again.

i told dh that i wanted a abortion and i think half of me wanted him to talk me out of it but after the ball had started rolling i could not stop it.

i remember sitting in the hospital in a seperate section of the waiting room with all the other girls/woman waiting to have this done, it was like we were not good enough to sit beside the rest of the patients waiting.

i never even got to see my baby on the scan, they turned the tv away and i have always wished they never done that because that may have been the thing to make me change my mind.

only dh knew i was having a abortion, i was so upset and deeply ashamed that i told everyone else i had lost the baby.

i think about the baby everyday and hate myself for what i have done, since then i have had another dc and i love both my babies more than life itself but hate myself for what i have done.

everytime they laugh together or kiss and cuddle each other it fells like a part of my heart is missing.

dh and i never talk about what happened, its the only thing we never disscuss, i have no-one to turn to about this.

But surely you did what you felt was right at the time. maybe you could not have coped. I had an abortion many years ago and never regret it as I know there would be no way I could have coped. Hope that time heals for you. Perhaps talk about it with your dh. Don't hate yourself. Perhaps you could get counselling? hope you feel better soon.

please go to a counsellor.x

try this link (if i can get it to work), www.careconfidential.co.uk they deal with post-abortion counselling all the time, in person locally or over the internet. they are a christian group, but are not judgemental - I promise. post abortion stress is a lot more common than you might think, very often years down the line. you need to deal with these feelings, before they take up anymore of your life. good luck xx

I agree you need counselling for this. Clearly you have been very profoundly affected by your decision and you need professional help. There are many orhanisations which could help you.

oops, try www.careconfidential.com, x