Wedding guest agoraphobia - hand hold needed

[WeWereInParis]

I have a wedding to go to today and am so anxious. In the past I have suffered from severe agoraphobia which is mainly under control now but still causes me problems in unfamiliar situations where I can't leave. We've stayed over the night before as my DH is the best man. This means I'll be arriving alone which is adding to my anxiety.

I do logically know that nothing bad is going to happen. I have no specific worries, it's a general anxiety about this sort of situation, with the added worry around not being able to take my usual comfort things eg I never go anywhere without a bottle of water, but I can't fit one in my bag and even if I could I wouldn't take it out and start sipping during the ceremony.

I've not slept very well and have already had a panic attack this morning so I'll be exhausted which just makes everything harder to deal with. I know I'm being ridiculous, it's just a wedding, and I was really looking forward to it. But now I feel like I might throw up. I'm so worried about creating a self-fulfilling prophecy where I'm so worried I'll have a panic attack during the ceremony that I'll end up having one. The ceremony will be the worst bit I think, I won't be able to sip a drink, or excuse myself to go to the bathroom to have a breather etc.

I know it's not about me, and of course I would never make a scene, or fuss over anything to make myself more comfortable. But I barely made it through my own wedding ceremony!

If anyone else suffers from agoraphobia, do you have any tips? Words of wisdom?

I’m sorry you’re feeling so anxious. I wish I had anything particularly useful to add, but I did just want to flag that it wouldn’t be unusual for you to have a bottle of water. I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at another guest with one. And drinking during the ceremony wouldn’t be an issue as long as you’re not loud. Definitely think you should consider taking one.

I always made sure that I sat on the end and at the back so could slip out if I needed to.
try to concentrate on breathing.
I think perfectly ok to carry in a bottle of water.I don’t think anyone will think anything of it
take a couple of boiled sweets or mints with you .Just having them made me feel better
if you have a panic attack, people will be kind. You could just say you feel unwell and sit in a foyer until you feel better

You can ALWAYS leave a situation if you really need too, nobody will be forcing you to stay sat in the ceremony. Try and sit near the back and if you need to you CAN just quietly slip out. It's a good thing you stayed there last night as you can pop back to your room at any point, also as you don't really know anyone, no-one will really notice.
When we're so anxious, we think everyone will be watching us/ thinking about what we're doing at all times, when in reality... they will be worried about what themselves and watching the bride and groom!
I really hope you are able to enjoy the day.

Take the water with you. It's fine to do that.

I think sit at the back - just knowing you can leave whenever you want might help? Good luck xx

I have felt absolutely awful in places that I couldn’t avoid and no one noticed. You think it’s written all over your face but in reality people don’t always know.
and you will not be the only one feeling anxious.
Over the years I have realised that although I can feel awful and have had panic attacks in the past, you can ‘float through it ‘ I read a book by Dr Claire Weekes which seemed dated but a couple of things in it helped me enormously.

Can you get some Vicks? Put a bit under your nose to help calm your breathing. Remember all your symptoms are just down to not breathing properly. Take a piece of paper and if you start to feel anxious fold it or a piece of blue tac - make a complicated shape. Something small and discreet to distract you.
Everything - all the anxiety is just due to your breathing. Your body is full of adrenaline - but you can banish it if you just keep breathing calmly.
If you feel anxious at any point think about something else. Count back from 1 million. Count the windows or plan a complete remodel of your home no expense spared.

But just breath and you can blow the anxiety away.

Its too late now but Propanalol is a godsend in these situations.

I know they look mad but the Anxiety book by the Speakman people is very good.

I'd definitely take the water. If you can I'd check in with the ushers about where best to sit so you can slip out if you need to (some churches have multiple doors). I have a long term health condition which means I sometimes urgently need the loo, and any parents are likely to be in the same position as well, so it's not likely to be a usual request.

Could you go early with your DH and then either sit there or offer to help with anything if that would be a good distraction? I don't know if going early is better or worse than going alone for you.

Those thoughts you’re having aren’t facts, they’re just anxious thoughts. When you notice them don’t engage with them other than to say to yourself ‘oh, there’s that anxious thought’ and then think or do something different - I know that sounds daft but it was a game changer for me.

Other things which help - ratio breathing, breathe for the count of two and out for 4. Find something rectangular and follow the outline with your eyes, breathing in on the short edge and out on the long.

Count backwards in 7s from 650 in your head.

Do the 54321 grounding. Looking around and in your head name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can taste or smell and then take one long deep breath into your stomach and chest and slowly sigh it out gently and controlled enough that if you were blowing a candle it would flicker and not go out.

Also
Of course you can take water with you and of course you can leave if you want to. No one will mind if you’re discreet when you leave, just sit near the back in the edge of a row.

Thanks. I know I'm being silly and I've calmed down a bit now. I know I can leave, but I don't want to be rude. But you're right, no one will be paying attention to me

@Sunnysunbun I can't believe I forgot vicks! I have it at home and do use it like you describe sometimes when I'm anxious

Definitely take a bottle of water into the ceremony, I’ve done it on a few occasions.

could your dh not come and get you from the room and walk you down to the ceremony before going back to his friends side before the ceremony begins.

you can do this!

How was it OP?

I hope yesterday went okay @WeWereInParis

It was good thanks. I found a couple of the partners of the other groomsmen who I know a bit, so wasn't going in by myself. The groom, my DH, and the other groomsmen are all childhood friends who don't live that close to each other now which is why I don't really know them despite being DH's very close friends.

I was a bit stressed throughout, struggled a bit with dinner as my nerves and panic attack earlier in the day had left me feeling a bit sick. But overall it was a fun day. We have another wedding in a few months which is similar - one of the groomsmen from this weekend is the groom, and it's basically the same groomsmen for each wedding. Hopefully I won't be as stressed for that one!

Thanks for all your supportive messages!

Glad to hear it went okay, and hopefully looking back at this one will make the future one less bad as well.