CPTSD

[scaredandembarrassed]

Diagnosed with this in 2021 after a long, long history of ‘anxiety’ going back to about age 4 - now realise I was anxious because of the childhood I was experiencing and was traumatised.

It’s got significantly worse over the last 18 months due to further trauma.

Have flashbacks daily and dissociate a lot of the day - I’m constantly asking people to repeat what they’ve just said as I can’t concentrate for more than 20 seconds. I get intrusive thoughts, and have feelings of unreality/out of body experiences. I’ve spent most of the last few months worrying I’m losing my mind altogether.

I’m now under a CMHT, spent 90 minutes on Wed with an occupational therapist filling out care plans and crisis management plans.

I’m struggling to get my head round things. I used to work 12 hour shifts. Now I need a support worker just to go to the shop and am on almost daily diazepam. I don’t know how to get back to ‘normal’.

I’ve got so many services involved with me - crisis team, two mental health charities (one for evening telephone support, one for daytime support), support at uni (somehow I’m still studying), my GP, CMHT, psychiatry and two other consultants. My head’s spinning sometimes trying to make sense of it all.

I should be glad I have so much help but it feels weird.

I don’t know how to get used to this. I feel like I’m grieving for my old self, is that even possible?

I’m so glad you're getting help. I've been diagnosed with CPTSD and fobbed off with telephone appointments with the GP and occasional CBT therapy for the past two years. Try to write it all down and then make some kind of sequence of it all. Go from top to bottom in order of seriousness of engagement with you. Pinpoint who can help with particular aspects. I wish you the best of luck

I was diagnosed and found the NHS care so bad I went down a different route, and found ways to heal myself.
it’s a long hard lonely road but don’t let any of them fob you off that you can’t be cured of all symptoms because you can.
now you know what you’re dealing with.

Thank you x

It was a bit of a fight to get the NHS to take me seriously initially, I’ve been treated for anxiety for years and years without any obvious success, I would get better but then just go backwards.

One of my support workers said it’s good I wasn’t diagnosed with EUPD but I think the only reason they haven’t is I’ve never made a suicide attempt, I’ve always called for help before it gets to that stage.

I think it’s just lacking someone taking charge as it were, and it’s taken them three years to see me face to face - unbelievably I was diagnosed over the phone, then assessed for care over the phone, all crisis care been over the phone - despite being admitted to hospital twice (but to a medical, not psychiatric ward, and not times sent home as liaison psych were too busy). It was only me saying on Tues that I was desperate to be seen that they told me to come in, and at that point they said ‘are you like this 24/7’ and yes, most of the day I am - either extremely jittery, agitated, wired or very, very flat. No middle ground.

I’m very good at putting a happy face on and sounding like I’m OK until I’m really not coping at all.

They did say three years ago about being trialled on a low dose anti psychotic, and said that again on Wed too.

At the moment it’s so difficult to live with I find I’m not able to do simple tasks like take rubbish out or do the dishes, so both are piling up like nobody’s business, and I can go days without eating at all too … it’s the dissociating that’s the worst though, I lost most of yesterday afternoon to that!!

What things did you find helped?

I find I can’t let myself feel the actual feelings associated with trauma as they’re too intense - if I let myself feel them I automatically zone out. Which isn’t great as I am grieving (traumatic bereavement) and to get through that I think o need to feel it, but I can’t.