Struggling so bad

[Allthatjazz234]

This is very long so im really sorry. I am a SAHM with a 3 year old and 1 year old. I am struggling with them every single day. My mental health has never been so bad. My 3 year old does not nap and hasn't napped for probably the past 6 months. My 1 year old is teething and breastfeeding so her sleep is crap, waking sometimes 5 times a night. We have no family support to help out here and there for a break. I have had suicidal thoughts twice over the past 2 weeks when I have reached the point of complete overwhelm. Today is one of those days, I got my 1 year old down for her nap. My 3 year old wanted to play and I told her I needed a rest first. I physically did not have the energy. I have hypothyroidism and being investigated for endometriosis and this massively affects my energy levels. My 3 year old had a massive meltdown when I told her mommy needed a rest. I play with her and give her lots of attention otherwise.

She screamed the house down and woke my 1 year old who had only been asleep for half an hour. She wouldn't go back to sleep. I'm lying on the couch typing this just having given up as I have nothing left in the tank.

I have started counselling and I'm hoping this will help my overall mindframe as I feel so negative and have massive amounts of guilt over everything- both my daughters being tired all the time, not doing enough with them, not getting out everyday, not giving them a healthy home cooked meal everyday..just generally feeling like a shit mother. I am already on antidepressants but don't feel they are helping anymore. My daughter also seems miserable all the time which makes me feel awful. She will be starting creche in september. Any advice please. Don't know what to do and how to keep myself from having a mental breakdown. The exhaustion is crippling me.

Does your husband/partner know how you're feeling - can he take some holiday to help you?

Where is your partner in this? Are they aware of how you feel.

3 and 1 is hard. Mine were that age when lockdown 1 hit. We ended up watching a lot of CBeebies, there's no shame in screen time if you need headspace.

We also did quiet time at that age as well as naps. We'd put a film like Frozen on after lunch and all snuggle up together to rest. Youngest would still nap, but eldest just watched the film and rested for a bit.

It's a hard time though.

My partner works but he is aware of the situation. He actually had to take off work last week as I had mastitis and was very sick but I don't feel he truly understands the exhaustion I'm feeling. Until only a few weeks ago he had never taken the 2 girls out by himself to give me some time at home to rest by myself. I am with my children all the time.

I have had a lot of health issues over the past year which have massively impacted by ability to parent but I just don't feel my partner truly gets it. When I suggested getting a cleaner, he actually seemed mad. We can afford it but he said he didn't want to pay someone to clean our house when we can do it ourselves. He will help clean up at the end of the day but that's it. I understand he can only do so much but so can i.

I'm on MAT leave with a 2 year old and 6 month old so I totally understand what you're going through.

Some days my toddler naps, others, she doesn't.

I'm also on ADs and have had counselling but neither have improved my depression.

The only thing I see working for me is returning to work. I'm going back after 8 months MAT leave and I probably would have gone back sooner if my baby took a bottle.

You couldn't pay me enough to be a SAHM. I'm sorry I don't have any advice but sending lots of love

OP those ages are hard. Mine are 4 and 2, but the 4 year old goes to school, and the 2 year old goes to nursery 3 days a week when I'm working. It's currently the Easter holidays, so I've had them on my own a lot. I'm exhausted! You must be beyond shattered. Could the 3 year old start nursery? When does he/she get their free hours?

I am drowning at the moment is how I would describe it. I feel so exhausted that I don't have the energy to even think of how to make things better. My daughter (3) is definitely picking up on my stress and has become so clingy towards me. Normally I could leave her alone for a few minutes to do something in another room but now she's straight after me. I normally am very patient with her but i have been losing my patience so easily and just often don't want to play with her. I have no energy. It's just awful. My poor child must be so miserable.

@blueyyyy I have often thought about going back to work. I was badly bullied in my previous workplace which has seriously knocked my confidence. But maybe it is what I need to do for my sanity.

3YO will be starting childcare in September. Don't know how ill survive until then. Maybe i should get a childminder before then

Sorry you are struggling. It's clear from your post you are a good mum and you care a lot about your girls. You said you could afford a cleaner. May I suggest instead of a cleaner you get a nanny or a childminder one day a week so you can have a break and recharge your batteries. You can find these by making a profile on childcare.co.uk have a look and see if there is someone suitable in your area I think it would do you the world of good.

I'd definitely recommend a childminder one or two days a week. My older DD continued to go to nursery when her sister was born, and all I can say is thank god for that! I also find work a break from them, but I know it isn't easy to just find a new job with two young kids to think about. Do you get out and about to any groups at all? Once the second lockdown was over, I went to go to a class which I could take both DDs to, and it was great! Lovely to chat to other parents, and nice to get out the house.

Thanks so much everyone. This is one of the things I struggle with most is feeling like I'm letting my girls down. Hence why I am working on my self esteem and doing counselling so that i dont pass this onto them. I am going to look into a childminder as I think this would definitely help. I just need a break which I never get. Other than when i physically can't look after them and then my partner will step in.

Don't be afraid to ask friends and family for help. Can anyone take the children even for an hour so you have some alone time to refresh ?