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I wish I could restart my whole life

18 replies

Namexchange05 · 11/04/2023 22:34

if I had the option to start my life over from the very beginning, I would without hesitation. I don’t know what went wrong. I was looking on my dads Facebook at old pics of me as a kid. I looked so happy. My mum looked so happy. We would go out to the allotment and plant flowers and vegetables, go to the zoo. They told me that when I was 2 I ‘turned evil’. There’s pics of me on that holiday. I asked what I did, they said I had been climbing on the tables the whole time. I asked what else and they didn’t say much. My whole childhood I’ve been told I’m evil, wrong in the head. I vividly remember one time my mum told me she was going to put me up for adoption because she couldn’t deal with me anymore. When a social worker came to my house to see my family situation after they had kicked me out and I’d returned home, they told her they knew something was wrong with me since I was little, she asked why they never seeked help, and they said they ‘didn’t want people medelling’. I’ve since been moved into a supported accommodation, they blame me for ‘what I did to them’. Meaning, finally telling someone about everything while I was kicked out and living at my friends house for almost a week. My dad used to hit me so hard as a child that my mum had to drag him off of me a few times, now they both deny this, or say it’s fine because it was just ‘a tap on the bum’. I think they think I’ve forgotten, that I was too young to remember. I can’t remember how old I was, but I remember being pinned down on the floor, having my bum and legs smacked so hard they’d go numb by my 20stone dad, while he screamed at me, I remember my mum screaming at him to stop a few times, saying to remember he works with his hands and to not be so rough with me. After a while she stopped defending me, I can’t remember after how long or how old I was. I remember at some point it became my dad defending me from my mum. I remember being thrown onto the sofas off of the floor, crying, and being told to get a grip. I remember running into my bedroom and hearing his footsteps stomping after me while screaming at me. The only proper memories I really have of my childhood is the feeling of being so lonely, so scared, so frustrated, not understanding what was wrong with me. When I was in year 2, I tried to tape my stomach in with masking tape to make myself skinnier, and a teacher at lunch time asking me if I was okay repeatedly because I refused to eat the slice of pizza my mum had packed for me because I wanted to be skinny. I remember my mum falling out with my best friends mum, and manipulating me into saying that my best friend had done a similar thing to me, so I never spoke to her again after that. She was my only real friend at the time. When I went into secondary school I was obese after a few years of my parents letting me eat whatever I wanted because it would stop the ‘tantrums’, meaning 4 kinder bars after another, so I went from around 12 stone to about 8 and a half stone in about 2 or 3 months, by eating just a warburton thin pitta bread with a slice of chicken in it for dinner after school. I remember the amount of compliments I got from everyone for that. In the car the other day, we were talking about how on my first day of primary school I got hit by someone on a bicycle. They said they said twice to watch where I was going, and so I asked why didn’t they pull me back since they had seen I was about to walk into it, they said they didn’t want to deal with the tantrum I would’ve had, then my dad said he should’ve pushed me in front of it. I’m now facing getting kicked out of my supported accommodation, I’m 18, and they said today they ‘hope I have a warm tent’. I say to my friends that I love my parents, they think they’re lovely people who can be a bit mean sometimes, and I go along with it, but rarely, on days like today, something triggers all these memories and my whole life feels like a lie. I feel lost, I don’t know what to do. At some point in all of this as a young child, my mental health went severely downhill and got punished instead of helped and I think that has broken me in a way I’ll never be able to repair because I don’t even understand it myself. Subconsciously, this is always on my mind, I tried to self medicate in a way with drugs, which has now meant on top of not remembering most of my childhood, I also don’t remember from 16-18. This probably doesn’t make much sense, and I don’t know what the point of this was, but I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
SpaghettifingerFusillitoe · 11/04/2023 22:55

Hey, I’m really worried about you. Are you on your own?

ImaniMumsnet · 11/04/2023 22:56

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ Flowers

Mental Health Webguide | Mumsnet

Mumsnet makes parents' lives easier by pooling knowledge, advice and support on everything from conception to childbirth, from babies to teenagers.

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/mental-health-webguide

Namexchange05 · 11/04/2023 22:58

SpaghettifingerFusillitoe · 11/04/2023 22:55

Hey, I’m really worried about you. Are you on your own?

Hi sorry I’m okay now thank you x

OP posts:
Ndd135632 · 11/04/2023 22:59

OP I am so sorry to read all this. What a traumatic time you have had. Sending all my love and a hand hold.

Bibbetybobbity · 11/04/2023 23:02

It’s ok if you’re not ok @Namexchange05 , it sounds like you’ve had a really horrendous time. Is there someone- a support worker?- who can help with your accommodation so you can have some stability? None of what happened was your fault and you deserved a lot better. Sending a big hug x

hamstersarse · 11/04/2023 23:07

You've had a hell of a time.

First things first though - what has happened with your accommodation - why are you facing eviction?

StarDolphins · 11/04/2023 23:10

Don’t underestimate what a bad time in childhood can cause in later life.

The only way to deal with this is lots of therapy to help work through all this.

StarDolphins · 11/04/2023 23:11

And good luck to you, sounds traumatic.

Namexchange05 · 11/04/2023 23:15

Thank you everyone I didn’t think anyone would see this sometimes everything just builds up to a point here I can’t keep it in anymore, maybe a few times a year. I’ve never told anyone any of this though. I feel like im slowly getting to a point where I can’t cope with it anymore. Im sober now pretty much, but god I miss being able to forget about everything for months at a time. It hurts too much to think about, i mostly keep it in the back of my mind but sometimes at night when everything’s quiet it all comes back. Or I’ll see one thing that finally tips me over the edge and this happens. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep forever. I hope reincarnation is real so this isn’t it for me. Knowing I can’t go back and change anything destroys me. I wish I could’ve been better.

OP posts:
Ndd135632 · 11/04/2023 23:18

OP your feelings are 100% valid. What happened to you was shit. Now you need to decide how to deal with it because you have a long happy life stretching ahead of you without your parents to bring you down. Firstly think if you would like to talk to a professional about it. To work all the crap out. Talk it out and know that yep. That was shit. Then draw a line and look forward to a long and happy life without them. What do you want out of life now. Some self care and self love. Take it easy and much love.

PJRules · 11/04/2023 23:28

OP ❤️❤️

I wish you could start all over again too, with a loving and supportive family. I am very sorry you didn't have that, every child deserves that.

The beginning of your story echoes mine, but I was fortunate in being able to move in with gran and get away from it. Not a perfect option but I wish you'd had that choice too.

You're doing a great job, many with your start would be in a far worse position, please be proud of yourself.

What do you feel are your major concerns right now? What is most important to you? Do you know where to get the help you need?

❤️

Koalasparkles · 11/04/2023 23:29

Hi OP. I'm so sorry to read what you've been through, I can't even begin to imagine how that must make you feel. I just want you to know that you have every right to feel whatever you are or aren't feeling. You must feel very lonely with no-one to share this with. Do you have a friend you trust that you could tell this all to? If not, is there a support group? Do you have a social worker? They should be able to point you to people who can help. Never underestimate the power of talking. Sending lots of warm wishes xx

MerylSqueak · 11/04/2023 23:33

I echo that. I wish you could have had what everyone should have from their family. It's not your fault that you didn't. You've suffered awfully.

It doesn't always have to feel this way. What you wrote about feeling overwhelmed really resonated with me because I remember feeling similar. It took me a long time to recover from what happened to me, but by and large I have. The feelings you described are a distant memory to me now and I love my life.

All my best to you. I just wanted to give you a bit of hope.

Namexchange05 · 11/04/2023 23:46

Thank you so much for everyone being so nice. It’s such a weird feeling because I know this happened, it’s all in the back of my mind but my parents act like nothing has heppened, every time I bring it up at all over the years it’s ended in a massive argument of them basically denying anything, or saying if I wasn’t the way I was they wouldn’t have done that, so I’ve kinda accepted it wasn’t that bad and I should just move on. My friends and boyfriend know me and my parents don’t have the best relationship but they’ve always said how nice they seem etc, so I’ve never really told them much. I don’t want to burden them and I don’t really know where to start. It’s strange to see everyone saying how horrible it is, like I know it is, if this was someone else’s post I’d think the same thing but when I think about it myself it doesn’t seem that bad until I’m in that mindset if that makes sense. I really can’t remember much of any of my childhood or even recent years. I think I’ve never processed anything, and my whole life I’ve been told to stop being dramatic, to get a grip, that somethings wrong with me. I don’t understand how they can look at me, and talk to me so normally knowing all of this, and then blame it all on me, and then wonder why I flip out when they do, and try to punish and shame me for it. It’s such a complicated situation to try and explain. Thank you everyone for listening to me.

OP posts:
Koalasparkles · 11/04/2023 23:51

Could you try just recounting some memories to a trusted friend or your bf and seeing what they think? This doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing. You can tell them a little at a time. The more they hear about your experiences, the more they may understand you and what has happened to you. If they care about you they would never see this as a burden to hear and I'm sure they would never want you to feel like that x

MerylSqueak · 12/04/2023 00:02

Friends, as much as they might wish to be, aren't always equipped to respond in a way that helps you. Is it worth exploring a third more neutral party to talk to, maybe through a charity or go? Fwiw, DH knows very little about my childhood. For me it works as it's a way of drawing a line under it I've had other help though.

They can't see what they've done op and they may never do so because they're not good parents.

MerylSqueak · 12/04/2023 00:03

GP not go

GuevarasBeret · 12/04/2023 00:03

I would also recommend writing down as many memories as you can.

The problem is them, not you. They are weak, immature people and you will be a much better adult and parent than them. If you can, try to find haughty disdain or absolute contempt for them.
don’t try bothering to persuade them. That involves acknowledging that they have battered their own child- it isn’t going to happen.
I wouldn’t protect their good reputation either.

i would also suggest not to bother with drugs because as you know it makes things worse.

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