How do I move on from my horrible childhood?

[OatMilkLattes]

Hi there,

my mum has been clinically depressed since I was small. I never knew what sort of mood she’d be in. There would be cycles of her being so lovely and then all of a sudden she’d be shouting and being spiteful to me.

She constantly used to call me a brat/cow when I was small. I most definitely wasn’t a brat, I was suffering with an eating disorder because I had anxiety (likely from the rollercoaster parenting) But in her eyes, that made me a sulky brat.

When I got to teenage years, she’d definitely shame me and make me feel insecure. she’d go on about weight. I was always very skinny and she’d go on about how it was a good thing etc. I also felt shame for normal things like going through puberty.

when I lost my virginity, she went through my diary and found out. She screamed and shouted at me and made me feel so embarrassed and awful. She was upset I didn’t tell her. I was on contraception, of legal age and with a long term boyfriend.

every friend I had was never good enough, there was always something wrong with them and she’d make me feel bad for my friendships.

shed also make me pay for things like my own toiletries/school bus money etc because she said she couldn’t afford it. But she’d go out shopping most weeks and buy herself new things.

she constantly bad mouthed my father - calling him a c**t etc. Made it very awkward for me to have any relationship with him. At one point I didn’t talk to him for 2 years as it was easier than having to deal with my mums upset/judgement.

with all this being said, I love her, I don’t doubt that she tried her best and perhaps her age/own upbringing came into play here.

I probably need some therapy, I’m aware. But any tips in the meantime? I feel like her constant judgement has filtered into my adult life. It’s definitely impacted sex and my self worth. Does anyone else have any similar backgrounds? How did you get over it?

You are spot on in saying her own upbringing would have coloured the way she treated you BUT she had a choice to break the cycle of generational abuse.

Have a look at this article on Core Beliefs; it will help you understand why you developed your thought patterns and how you can challenge and change them.

https://www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

You might get more responses on the relationship board OP, maybe ask for it to be moved.

Im sorry that you went through all of that. I had a tough time with my Dm growing up. It’s hard isn’t it when you love them, but they have treated you so badly.

Thank you so much both. You’re replies mean a lot! Sometimes I feel like a horrible person for having these thoughts around my mum/childhood. I still want to always defend her!

@Staygoldponyboystaygold any idea how I ask them to move it over? I have had a look but can’t work it out.

MNHQ - can we move this over to relationships? (Not sure if this is how you love threads!)

It's normal to feel horrible for thinking or saying these things about our parents. We are kind of hard wired to love and obey. That being said, your original post is uncomfortable reading OP, your Mum was mean, unpredictable and did not respect your boundaries and you have every right to heal from this. Therapy will help you definitely, but in the short term I encourage you to write this all down in a diary, and maybe read it out to yourself, possibly write to yourself as if you were the loving mother you wanted and needed. Try and speak to the wounded child that you were and still are. There are plenty of resources out there for healing, your mum clearly couldn't stop the cross generational wounding but you can. Good luck.

I have similar dynamics with my mum. My therapist has suggested to join support grouos like Adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families, ASCA, CoDa. Many of these have online meetings.
Also there is a book called CPTSD from surviving to thriving.

Here is the link for the book https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

I'm so sorry you went through this OP - you sound so lovely and understanding.

My DH had a very difficult relationship with his mum growing up. She had him very young with an abusive partner who lives abroad and who DH has only recently been 'allowed' to try and form a relationship with.

She remarried, became successful and had two further sons who went to private school, had basically the best of everything and are both now successful adults.

They and their families are lovely but DH not only lost out materially compared to his half-brothers, but was constantly being told how worthless he was.

I really hope you can work through this OP - I totally get how conflicted you feel in that you still love your mum.

I don't usually say this on Mumsnet but sending you much love and a huge virtual hug.

I don't think there are any shortcuts here as your childhood relationships shape the 'programming' of your brain. You can change the programming, but it takes time and repetition. Therapy can definitely help.

@OatMilkLattes my upbringing sounds similar. My mum has bipolar. She had lots of affairs and would put men before me and my brothers. Had days when she wouldn’t get out of bed. Told me she wanted to die. She would beg me not to go to school. Told me she wished I’d died at birth. She commented on my developing body in front of her male friend. He went on to sexually abuse me, and she knew about it. I really struggle with how I feel about her. Had long periods of no contact. We have a relationship of sorts. I don’t like to let her get close to me. She is trying to do this more as she is getting older. Tells me she loves me. I can’t say it back. Although inside I know I do love her, but sometimes I really don’t like her. It’s a struggle.
I wish I could say something that would help you. I guess over time things have got better. I’ve had time to process what has happened. I also control the relationship and maintain boundaries. This makes me feel better. I won’t allow any further damage to me or my children.

So sorry to have read that others have had horrible experiences.

where I came from and the experiences I had plays on my mind constantly. Sometimes I think I’m being dramatic and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’m just being sensitive?

I don’t know if what I experienced was abuse, and I do not use that word lightly. But I also struggle to get anyone to take me seriously. To everyone else, she comes across as a sweet older woman. I’ve tried talking to my partner, who does support me, but I just don’t think he can fathom it. Same with close friends. The only person I know who understands is my granny.

Thank you for all your kind words and resources you’ve shared here. I’ll take a look into it all. I really don’t want to feel this weight on me forever!