Living with a depressed partner

[Valentine259]

Just posting for some and support and just to vent really.

My husband has suffered with depression on and off for years. Last time was in 2015 when he was signed off work for 10 weeks. With the help of tablets and regular walks, he gradually got better.

He retired early in 2016. At the end of last year, he started having health anxiety, brought on by a a skin issue (not cancer) which has made his face uncomfortable. He is seeing a dermatologist for treatment, however, the treatment leaves his skin sore for 48 hours, but after that he can go outside with sunblock on. Pretty much since 1st January he has barely left the house, bar the medical appointments. He wont put sunblock on as he says it makes his skin oily. For two months he sat on the sofa with a blanket round his legs, barely moving. He has refused to partake in anything with direct family (we have two adult children) or extended family. His parents, brother and sister have been brilliant keeping in touch and visiting, but yesterday was a big family party, me and the kids went, but he didn't. I'm glad I went, but could easily have stayed home.

Initially he said "just carry on and ignore me". Not easy, but with all responsibilities and household issues being handed to me, I just carried on. However, he has got worse in the last month, resulting in me feeling completely dragged down. I can't talk about it without crying. Luckily nobody knows at work, so that is my safe place. I have some great friends who are being supportive so I am very lucky. He wakes early with anxiety, so I am now sleeping on the sofa. He has now booked an a therapist appointment and is on tablets, so he is seeking help, plus taking very short walks every day (I had to suggest all three) so I cannot fault him for trying.

I guess my issue us, all the support and advice is for him. The person having to be the 'strong' one just has to carry on, bearing the responsibility and try and be supportive. I know it's not his fault (at all) and it's a vicous circle, him seeing me dissolve in tears makes him feel worse, but I am at that point where I can't be strong all the time, especially at home which should be my safe place.

I have a employee support line at work which I am going to contact next week as I just need professional support, as I feel like I'm not really being a 'supportive partner' but how can I be if I'm a mess too?!

I guess this is just for all the partners out there. It's a hard road to walk down, but hope there's some light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you for reading and it would be great to hear from anyone who is, or has been going through similar.

I’ve been in your position and it’s hard. This was with my ex and I tried and tried but nobody told me that I was important too. You seem to be carrying the load so your mental health is also very important.

As someone who can be quite bad with mental health it is so easy to fall deep into your own world and not acknowledge the impact of what it’s doing around you because you are hurting so much but that’s not okay either. It’s hard and I feel for your partner and can relate to him so much. But..

from my own experience when others would allow me to be that way I would almost use it to my advantage (taken therapy to say that!). When I felt shit I knew someone would pick up the slack, I knew they would pull together for me so it allowed me to wallow in self pity. They did it out of love which I’m sure you guys do too, however, it also allowed me to go deeper into that hole cause my responsibility was taken away.

My partner now is sympathetic and will listen but he will also push me to go a little bit past what I think my limit is. If I say I can’t walk the dogs he will say well we are going to. Even if it’s shorter we are going. I’ll moan to begin with but then when I’ve done it I feel better. Because I’ve built confidence and then can go a little bit further each time.
I know it’s hard and you’re obviously a kind, caring and compassionate person.

You DESERVE a break too. Take an hour for yourself each day.. have a bath, see friends etc. You are his wife, not his carer (there is a carers allowance too if you need it).

You are doing so well, just make sure you are okay too x

In this situation often it is the relatives or partners who suffer but do not get help. My previous partner was depressed and we dud not see each other for 7 months. We went from.beung lovers and friends to strangers overnight. It nearly broke me. Please see if there is any support out there available for u. Hand hold.

I do understand - you become wife, mother, lover, carer, nurse, bearer of all the home tasks from cleaning the toilet to doing the accounts, social worker - and so it goes on.

And no-one asks how you are doing. Being with someone who is depressed (however much you might love them) is like lugging a rucksack full of lead around. And my OH refused treatment - which frankly just made me cross in the end. He was not able to accept responsibility for dealing with his illness, but was quite content for me to bear all the burdens of keeping everything going. I know that sounds cruel and selfish as people who are depressed lack the impetus to do anything and the normal feelings to be concerned about how their illness is impacting on anyone else - they can't help it, but it does feel quite exasperating. So if you feel cross sometimes, that is OK.

I am glad he is accepting treatment and hope that things will turn a corner for you all soon.

Thank you all for your kind words, very much appreciated.

I definitely need to speak to other people other than him. He asked this morning if I was okay. I answered "not really" and explained how sad I feel, which then resulted in him saying how guilty he feels and now he's had to go upstairs because his anxiety is up. I now I feel bad for saying anything, but I find it hard to 'fake it' (but in front of him I think that's what I will have to do from now on). I will phone my works helpline and carry on speaking to friends. God, this is so difficult, I though communication was the key, but obviously I'm not doing this right so will look at other means. He is seeking help - tablets, therapy, CBT, talking to family, but I am pinning my hopes on one of them to work. Not sure what will happen if it doesn't get better though .. I don't have a 'plan B' ....

I'm the mentally ill partner. I found that making sure my DH was (&is) still able to have time away for himself, his hobbies etc makes it easier for him to cope with my illness. At the moment my medications are keeping things on an even keel so things are better all round but we still make sure that DH has his hobbies and support.

His own mental health has suffered (my illness + a work issue) so he has tablets himself at the moment but just being able to have time when he wasn't either at work, being a (wonderful) dad or a carer and had his own identity was, and is, essential.

I think what I'm trying to say is 1)you're being amazing for your DH; (2) Find a way of having 'you' time separate from work and home and (3) speak to your GP / the counsellor so that you don't feel alone.

As to the sun block - does it have to be a specific one, or could you try a less 'oily' one? La Roche do a great non-greasy factor 50 that comes in both a liquid and a cream and which are currently on a 3 for 2 deal in Boots.

also, you need time to grieve your old relationship and to adapt to what it's become - don't feel guilty about that. If he's gone upstairs can you sit in the garden with a coffee and a book for a while?

If he's seeking help, they will find something that will work, it just might take some time. You mentioned he's retired, would he enjoy volunteering in some way? It would mean he has to leave the house but would also give him a purpose.

OP, your thread made me feel so sad for you - sleeping in your own bed is a basic comfort, and it sounds like his needs/wants are the only ones being heard right now. His needs/wants don't trump the rest of the family - you need to start putting some boundaries in place so you're not all sucked down his drain of despair. And sorry, you verbalising how you're feeling and it raising his anxiety smacks of control... not depression. I would strongly recommend seeking professional support for yourself, especially for help for you to mark out some healthy lines around this all.

FWIW I grew up with a parent with a MH condition and spent most of my teens walking around on eggshells, terrified of saying the wrong thing and setting off a downward spiral. No one else was ever allowed to have a bad day or god forbid need some support themselves...

Thank you, and it's very helpful to see if from the other side too.

I think he's struggling so much now, that anything I say now is taken differently and I inadvertently upset him. I do things for myself, but I don't particularly find it as enjoyable as I did, the whole situation to me, is pretty overwhelming and its always in my head. It's like I want to cure him but I can't. By saying how sad I feel has made him feel worse. On reflection, that is definitely a conversation I need to have with someone else, preferably a professional! Lesson learned ...

He's tried loads of sunblock and moisturiser. However the issue is he doesn't want to put anything on his face as it feels uncomfortable. Therefore he's locking himself away until there's no sun. Wind, cold and rain don't help either, so he either has to be uncomfortable or face it for the sake of his sanity. No winner there really.

My partner had a breakdown a few years ago and I felt exactly the same way as you. Through my work I was able to see a counsellor and she helped me verbalise my feelings and to understand that the whole family couldn’t revolve around his illness. We had to have a hard couple of conversations but it really helped and I was able to set some boundaries. It’s so hard as you want to just fix things for them but ultimately they need to lead on that with your support. Sending you lots of support.

I think what you said sums it up ... I haven't processed the end of my 'old life' albeit I hope this is temporary. We didn't used to do major things, but just going out for lunch ... we can't even do that, or even help me with the food shopping. I feel alone, but can't rely on him to step up now, so have to just do it. But my life wasn't like that, but it is now. I didn't think of it that way, but that has actually helped, thank you.

I think he would look at volunteering. Retiring at 53 sounds great, but the reality of full time work to nothing is not 'living the dream'. I think when he's in a better place, that will be my next suggestion.

I think he's so far in his own head, he can't think of anything else. His feelings do seem to trump others, but I really hope the therapist can give him coping strategies. I am also going to seek outside help. He's normally quite a sensitive caring person, and this is not normally his way. I certainly wouldn't be with him if he'd been like this for the entire 27 years we've been together, but this is certainly very 'testing' for us all.

I have had mental health issues on and off but I have always sought every possible support available to try to manage the condition and get better.

I grew up with two parents who had issues with depression and other mental health issues who refused to admit the extent of their problems or seek appropriate help. They just failed to stick for long to taking medication when prescribed (or refused to take them) and/or did not follow through when advised by their GP that they needed counselling. It was hell to grow up in that environment, because everything was so joyless, we never did anything as a family (or if we did it just ended with my father reminding everyone that he was unwell or my mother having a ''temper tantrum'' and spoiling the occasion) and I was constantly walking on egg shells.

My point there is a limit to how much you can allow other people close to you to drag you down and make your life a constant struggle.

The person with mental health issues also has a responsibility to want to get better and follow through any treatment that is given to them.

''Anything I say now is taken differently and I inadvertently upset him. I do things for myself''.

Having mental health issues is not a free pass to treat people around you poorly. Your husband has no right to take out his frustration and anger on you.

''He asked this morning if I was okay. I answered "not really" and explained how sad I feel, which then resulted in him saying how guilty he feels and now he's had to go upstairs because his anxiety is up. I now I feel bad for saying anything.''

This to me sound quite manipulative as well.

Ultimately your husband has to take responsibility for wanting to get better.

I don't get why he cannot go outside if he has appropriate sunscreen and I am not quite clear what the plan is for him to get better. Is he having counselling? is he taking medication?

Because just expecting you to live like this and carry him in the long term is not appropriate.

You sound like a lovely, caring person but to be blunt you cannot let yourself be guilt-trip or continue to live like this.

I would have a serious conversation with your husband to let him what you expect him to do because you have now reached the end of your good will and it is affecting your health to.

Thankfully I assume your kids are grown up and don't live with you so are not affected by this every day and you might need to put yourself first and decide whether this is really how you want to live your life and whether it isn't time for you to move on and out of this relationship.

Thank you. I hope your partner is okay now, and you and your family also. This is all very cathartic and reassuring as it helps to know there is light, but I need to go and find help as it's there. We certainly can't do this alone, unfortunately.

but obviously I'm not doing this right - I do not think you should conclude this at all. There is no right way. Partners in this situation are feeling their way around and trying to find what suits for their particular situation.

Ultimately your husband has to take responsibility for wanting to get better. This is nail on the head. It is very hard when someone has a mental illness, but they are still adults and they still owe you consideration. The balance is hard, because we feel that if we try and voice concerns about the impacts on us as carers we will burden "the patient" with discomfort and guilt. But I do think it is good to have open and honest conversations: "I love you dearly and am very sympathetic to your illness - we need to sit down and discuss how we are going to deal with this so that we both get through it together. What would help me is: x,y,z."

To be honest, I do need to 'self preserve' and will be looking at professional help. He does come across as petulant, but I really dont know if he knows how else to act when confronted. We both need coping strategies and a way to communicate effectively without hurting the other one.

He says anything on his face irritates, so is hesitant about going anywhere. This is the biggest mental block as far as I can see as he is so worried he's damaged his skin permanently, it's now a mental block as well as a physical one.

Our children are 15 and 22, both at home. Both are obviously aware, but we are trying not to drag them into it. They both have their own lives and have friends so I'm grateful for that.

I have said to him, and he has acknowledged that he is a different person. He used to have a good sense of humour, and we could effectively communicate, but that has changed. At times I really don't recognise him. He's gone from a very effective communicator, able to deal with people very rationally to almost a different person. That's a hard concept to deal with. And what I say now, in exactly the same way, has a totally different reaction and not in a good way!

I have said to him, and he has acknowledged that he is a different person. He used to have a good sense of humour, and we could effectively communicate, but that has changed. At times I really don't recognise him. He's gone from a very effective communicator, able to deal with people very rationally to almost a different person. That's a hard concept to deal with. And what I say now, in exactly the same way, has a totally different reaction and not in a good way!

I hear you - it is very hard. My OH's personality changed completely - it is very hard to deal with that I know. Please reach out to others for support without feeling you are being disloyal - you need to survive this too - intact and unharmed. Finding ways to look after yourself too is fine; and indeed necessary.

Thank you. I hope your husband is back to normal and that you are okay too. I'm hoping in time we can have our old lives back, even though it wasn't glamorous or high flying, it was just normal and that was fine. I am seeing a good friend tomorrow and I know she will be good 'therapy' for me 🙂

Oh poor you. It does affect us, more than we'd like. One ends up feeling drained, and then feeling guilty for it, but it's hard not to let it affect you.

When you're feeling low, allow yourself to get in touch with it, and get in touch with that uneasy feeling. It's your life, too.

It's hard to explain family members that two demoralised people can't help each other.

It's okay to spend time with him, not talk too much, see a movie, go for a walk. Yet unfair that you'd suffer like him because you can't help him like that.

It's so tiring, isn't it? Try to get rest if you can, that will help a lot. It's not selfish wanting to take a break and recharge your batteries, hon.

It's a mystery to me, as well, at the sane time our loved ones should be gently encouraged. We're just not qualified like some people to help when we're drained at the end of the day.

Thank you for your lovely reply.

It is very draining, especially when you have others in the house as you are constantly doing your best to not let it affect them. Obviously they are very aware, but busy with pending exams, so for now they are okay.

I have spent time recently talking with friends and have found that it's quite common, one friend is going through an identical situation now. At least its not just us, but I do know that.

I like being busy so am working quite a lot and have a project I am saving up for - it's good to heve a goal to work towards 😊

I can see that this is quite an old thread. How are things now OP?

I'm posting because I feel like this too. DH has had depression on & off since his mum died in 2021. Although he won't admit that's what it is & will go to the doctor for every other thing he can, often on emergency appointments & he takes about 5 tablets/supplements per day for various ailments he thinks he has.

I've come to the conclusion that I can't do anything to help him or to make this better. He did suggest it was me that had issues (as he put it), probably hormonal & I went to to doctor & got HRT, which has helped a lot. But he's worse than ever right now, so it can't just be me.

I am finding it hard to keep going. Whenever I am with him, he is so flat, tired & angry & I can't do anything about it. He is going out a lot & is happy then, he was life & soul of the party at a family do on Saturday. But then we got home & the switch flicked. I am starting to try & avoid spending time with him as it brings me down & the kids see that & it's not good for them. I am having to do pretty much everything for them & it's a lot, DS2 is having medical issues at the moment (epilepsy/seizures) which is hard to deal with but I don't feel I can talk to DH about it or anything, because then he just says our whole lives need to change.

Anyway, no real point to this, I just needed to reach out & see that I'm not really alone.

I'm so sorry you are also going through this and you are certainly not alone.

Will your husband consider talking to his GP, or even a therapist about his depression? My husband has found both helpful, although he's still no where near his former self but at least he is making positive steps towards getting himself better. However, he still won't do anything social and we don't see his family much (they come to us, he's not been to anyone's house at all this year). He will now go out in the car, but only for appointments or to pick one of the kids up.

I'm at the point where I've almost detached myself from the situation. Our children are grown up but still live at home, so they don't need our undivided attention, so at present I feel like I'm living a single life. Every time I tried to have an in depth discussion, it turned into an argument which was awful and always ended with one of us threatening to leave. It really wasn't worth it, it made me so unhappy and stressed him out, pushing back any progress he had made. He told me to carry on 'as normal' so I had a choice .... either leave, or build an independent life for myself. So I work a lot and I see friends and I go to theatres and concerts by myself. I do really enjoy my time out (he would never come with me to anything anyway) but do feel a sad that we are so distant (my sister in law sent us a family holiday photo with their kids and I just sat and cried ... part of me would love to be a happy family unit going on holiday). He seems to live such a sad life, but he's spent all this time rejecting me and any suggestions that I have put forward that I feel this is my only option. He seems stable and we haven't argued for a while, but we are just house mates. It's incredibly sad, but I have to accept its out of my control, I can't change his mind set and I don't want to spend my life watching daytime TV ... life is short and we need to grab any happiness that comes our way ...

I'm not sure how much of this is helpful. It sounds like your children are younger and having medical issues must be hard. Plus if your husband switches from life and soul to sad, it sounds like he's putting on a front for others, but can't or won't keep that going at home. My only advice would be to see if he would seek outside professional help and for you to keep care of yourself and do something that makes you happy (when and if you can) and talk to friends and family. xx