Husband won't attend parties/see family

[Summerfuntime]

Any advice for partners of people with mental health problems? My husband has suffered from depression/anxiety for 20 years but refused to admit/acknowledge it even to himself or me. Over the years he's got worse and worse and his personality has completely changed. He used to be a sociable young lad. Now he lives like a hermit, has no friends by choice, says he doesn't like people and doesn't want to see family. That's fine, that's up to him. But it really affects me and the children because I obviously still take them to see his family otherwise they would never see them.
He would see them sporadically maybe 3 or 4 times a year even though we live five minutes away.
Then covid came and the lockdowns were great for him as he didn't have to see people and he also went from going into work to working from home and still does.
After the restrictions lifted he never really went back to seeing people. His mental health deteriorated further and he ended up having a breakdown and being diagnosed with psychotic depression but we now think it may be schizophrenia. He has recovered well and is still under the care of professionals for 3 years.
But he didn't want anyone to know. He forbid me from telling his family so we had to go through it all alone. It was very hard for me and I wanted to leave at many points
Today is a family party and he is pretending he is poorly so he doesn't have to go. He has done this countless times before and is so predictable with it but still continues to insist he's genuinely poorly. (He is not)
It's now left to me to go to the party alone with the children and tell them he's ill. I know they don't believe me and I'm sick of making excuses for him. His sister has made a couple of comments now about how she never sees him and I know it bothers her. It makes me feel so uncomfortable and I'm sick of having to go places alone!!
Any advice?

You could be describing my life. My dh has GAD, severe depression and psychosis. We were under the early intervention team for psychosis for 3 years and are now with the CMHT. He used to be outgoing and friendly, now he won't go anywhere and can't think what to say to people to make conversation. I used to try and cover it up, now I just tell people that truth. They accept that he will be staying at home whilst I attend events alone because I tell them outright that he is mentally unwell. I know your dh might not want you to tell people, you don't have to tell them all the specific details, just explain briefly about his mental illness. I found most people were sympathetic once I'd explained that he wasn't unsociable, that it was his illness that has made him reclusive. He, too, was happiest during lockdown when he could easily hide from the world.

I think it all seems very one sided. Where is his support for you and the dc? He needs to be upfront with his family rather than asking you to lie for him.

The main problem is that I can't tell them the truth. I'm not scared of him at all but I don't know what he would do if I actually went against him and told them. It would make things easier for me but not him.
It's not possible to be poorly on every family occasion so they know it's not the truth!!
But I also feel pitied and talked about because everyone else is there with their partners etc and I'm not !! People must gossip about us and make up their own theories as to why he doesn't come anywhere with us. It makes me feel very embarrassed.

Luckily he is OK when it's just us so we do still go out as a family together . It's just extended family and friends he won't see and he won't socialise with colleagues

It might just be OP that this is your husband now.

You can’t force him to go
and if he did - he’s hardly going to bring any joy to the event or enjoy himself.

So you need to decide whether this is something that you can live with

Its what I tell others that's the problem
His family are starting to get offended and annoyed

In that case, if he’s invited and doesn’t want to go, say that’s fine but he must ring them or message to explain why he won’t be coming

I think you need to tell him you’re not going to lie for him. So you’ll tell them he didn’t want to come and then let him deal with the fall out. The only thing I’m wondering is if there’s some huge backstory as to why he doesn’t like his family / doesn’t want much contact with them - was there any abuse etc growing up? Maybe he’s struggling with something like that. Alternatively maybe he really just doesn’t enjoy being around people - I don’t either- and that’s okay too, albeit difficult for you if you’re the type of person who wants to do things with extended family. But it’s time he came clean about it.

Its not that I want to do things with his extended family, I feel like I HAVE to and I have no choice! If I didn't take the children to see their grandparents, aunt and cousin then they would never see them as they don't come here either. I feel like I have a sense of duty!!

if they don't come to you, why do you take the kids there?

"because family" isn't a reason.

No need for you to take the pressure.
Just ask them to ask him directly.. but you're glad to be here with the kids <smile>.

He has a problem, but part of having problems is owning them.
Others can part of the support plan to resolve, but they can't be asked to co-own the problem when nothing is being done about it.

You see we had this situation with dhs family so we just stopped and now we’ve had no contact at all with them for 5 years now. There’s a huge backstory but if they’re not making the effort then maybe that’s part of why your dh can’t be bothered.

I'd tell them "he said he is poorly" rather than "he is poorly".
I'd not get drawn into conversation about him. Just repeat"he said he is poorly".
Let them contact him directly if they require any further info.
You are there to accommodate the relationship between your dc and their paternal family. You are doing it for your dc.

I agree with PP, just tell them 'he says he's ill' and leave it at that. It's not your job to make excuses for him, after all you're the one making the effort!! If they ask what's wrong with him I'd say ' not sure, to be honest'.

I think it's fair for you to be honest with his family. Speak to him first but I'd tell them he struggled during restrictions and has got to a place where he needs professional help. Say you have felt uncomfortable about crossing a boundary and speaking about him but youre feeling self conscious about what they think. You are holding the family together and it might help if they could potentially support you in a small way. At the least, telling them would alleviate your anxiety around what they are saying about you. It will free up your head space which you need atm. I have a serious MH illness which is dormant with medication and life style changes but I got to a point of avoiding events etc and for 6 or 7 years and feigned illness as an excuse. I accepted I'm an introvert and never coped with big social ocassions and used all the wrong coping strategies. I was honest with friends and family and nearly a understand now when I say I can't manage things, it's still nice to be invited but just the thought of a family wedding can make me anxious to the point of actually being ill for months in advance. My partner supported me and with therapy, change of meds, life changes etc I'm now attending things again sporadically and enjoying. It can improve, the biggest Factor I that improvement for me was being given the space to do nothing and no pressure at all. It took me all that time to reverse the effects of breakdown. It feels v different now. I'd try to tolerate him not doing anything, give no pressure but encourage positive things for you together. My DP constantly reassured me that everything was OK, he still loved me. It was a big toll on him and now that I'm so much better I see the toll on him more, as he can ease up more on the support. You need to decide If you can go along with it and let him rebuild confidence in your small family group. It can improve though.

In our family it's my dh job to ensure our dc know his family. My dh sounds a lot like yours but without schizophrenia. He is an absolute hermit and covid meant he's now wfh and rarely leaves the house. (Didn't used to be this way and you have my upmost sympathy!)

MIL was so used to contacting me but I now redirect her to dh who never replies. MIL then up a group chat envisaging me thereafter replying instead of dh about potential meet-ups. It didn't work.

I used to try to manage everyone in the family alone but found it impossible. Either tell them your dh is now responsible for managing visiting them as you've just got so much on the go right now please contact him or tell them he's unwell but he doesn't want them to know what's the matter. I've had to do this as well when dh has had long term issues that genuinely prevent him from leaving the house as well.

You certainly don't HAVE to meet up with family for the sake of meeting up with anyone.

If he doesn’t want you to tell them, it puts you in a very difficult position if you want to respect that, but you’re not obliged to constantly make excuses for him. When they ask why he isn’t there, say he says he’s ill. When they question you and want you to say what’s wrong with him and why does it mean he can’t come to see them, tell them they need to ask him. If they persist, keep saying they’ll have to ask him. They’ll realise something is up, and that he’s not allowing you to tell them.

All on you OP

How often do you actually get together with the extended family?

Why can't they visit you?

It's definitely odd for you to be visiting HIS family alone all the time

I’d tell them the truth. Up to a point
Id say:

“He hasn’t been in the best of health. He doesn’t want me to elaborate. He’d prefer if I just said he had the cold or something. Which is difficult for me as I know you care about him and I don’t like misleading anyone. You can of course ask him yourself about his health directly if you wish to. I’d be obliged if you’d leave this conversation we are having out of it though. Thanks”.

Honestly OP, you don't have to take them to family get togethers if you don't want to.

I'd let him know why he's not going to things.
I'd also leave it to them to see the children , why should it all be your job ?
He can't help being unwell mentally but he should be explaining not leaving it to you to lie.