CPTSD desperate to move beyond the walls & confines of this illness

[WithACherryOnTop10]

Hi all. I'm a bit of a lurker and a newbie poster so please bear with me.

I was wondering if anyone had any advice and lived experience they would mind sharing with me regarding CPTSD.

Ive been 'surviving' with the impact of CPTSD for decades now, I was able to push through and 'function' (although this was bloody hard and very dysfunctional behind closed doors) for a long time, held down a job etc (with lots of blips), but going out, socialising and being in unfamiliar environments was always consistently hard for me, so I wouldn't do it - working full time was enough for me to feel like I'd participated in the world, I made some good friends there & I would enjoy my safe place at home on the weekends.

A few significant triggers really set me back and this started to become harder and harder to maintain with many absences from work relating to the CPTSD, but I also started to become unwell in my physical health.

I was later diagnosed a year ago with ME after several years of physical suffering leading up to diagnosis, and my world has suddenly become so much more restricted and smaller.
I've lost my job now and my health impacts my daily function so I'm limited in activities I can do, as I have to pace myself carefully so I don't cause an ME flare up and end up in bed again for days/weeks/months.

The walls that I had previously built up to keep myself safe in regards to CPTSD are now reinforced by the confines of the ME.

It's been a really terribly lonely year being bed bound and housebound while trying to recover with the ME, and i didn't push myself enough when I was more physically well, to do the work that was needed to deal with the CPTSD and learn to live & enjoy life more by taking myself out of my comfort zone. I tend to freeze at anything new and don't even know what I'm interested in because fear & anxiety just grip me!

I'm still in recovery in terms of the ME but my function is slowly improving and I'm not as bad as I was a year ago, so I'm hopeful that better days are coming in terms of that - but it's been on my mind a lot the last few days that when I get more stable physically - I've still got this cptsd mountain to face and climb.

Before the ME struck when I would try desperately to push myself with my therapists support, even going for a short walk on my own had me looking over my shoulder and in a state of panic with horrible symptoms that you'll no doubt relate to if you're C/PTSD fellow, and I just don't want this to be how my future looks anymore! I can't bare it!

Can anyone share any advice regarding how they have dealt with the fear of doing things outside of their comfort zones? Any positive success stories or inspiration welcome to help me on my journey to living again.

I don't have a diagnosis of C-PTSD, just PTSD, however as it stems from lengthy childhood trauma and I have had it, albeit undiagnosed, for decades I think I can relate. I also have an FND diagnosis, as opposed to ME, so have experience of the complex interplay between two misunderstood physical and mental health illnesses which feed into each other.
What helped me was lots of therapy, including EMDR. Treating myself with the kindness I give to others and being honest with myself and others about what I could do in any given moment without recriminations.
Accepting that not everything has to succeed, everytime. Sometimes trying and failing is part of the journey to success.

I honestly think that being in the mindset where you are able to compose that articulate post ^^ is evidence that you've taken the first step in the journey you need to go on.

I have a backstory with similarities. I think it helped to link the psychological, physiological and physical. To see it all as my individual 'soup'.

So pushing myself to do some physio stretches isn't for my muscles - it's for my mind. Reading a complex article online isn't just for my mind - it's for my immune system. Walking to the red postbox is taking me to the top of world.

EMDR. Find a psychologist specifically trained in it. It's a slog but I can't recommend it enough. I'm still unwell in many ways (bipolar) but EMDR is the only thing that's made an impact on my severe trauma and flashbacks. I sympathise OP. I have fibromyalgia so I know what a "small world" feels like.

@Exibstudent thank you for your reply. I haven't had the opportunity to try EMDR yet - would you recommend it? I did a ptsd stabilisation course followed by some intense trauma therapy, but this was unexpectedly cut short by the provider as there was an issue with the nice guidelines around their work continuing. I need to check if there's been any progress with this yet and consider if I'm physically well enough to cope with doing this right now. Thank you for your wise words from your own experience

@PunkFunkJazzRecipe 'individual soup' I love that! - it's very true that everything is interlinked and affects one another. I'm learning more about how my body responds to different things & in a bit of a trial and error phase I think whilst I'm getting a bit more functional, but that's causing me to get a bit frustrated with myself I think.

I've also got a bit of fear going on that emotional stress flares me up, but I don't want to live in fear and ignore things that need dealing with forever, so trying to find a good balance so all pieces of the puzzle get the attention they deserve.

Thank you for sharing

EMDR has changed my life. It does not work for everyone and can be hard and distressing but it is 100% worth trying. I waited quite a while to access it on the NHS. I had had various therapies before which helped to greater or lesser degrees. EMDR has changed everything. I used to not be able to leave my house without a flashback. I honestly don't remember the last time I was so triggered I lost control.
I would also say that my physical health has massively improved since having effective PTSD treatment- being in a constant state of hypervigilence is really not good for your body.

@Exibstudent just re-read and really love this "accepting that not everything has to succeed, everytime. Sometimes trying and failing is part of the journey to success" that's really resonated with me thank you.

Read the body keeps the score and book in for EMDR.