Do people who lack empathy expect empathy?

[Appleabananasandpears]

Definitely overthinking but there are quite a few people in my life who either stayed away from me when I was going through a hard time or who were just generally insensitive to the whole situation. Obviously people have other stuff going on in their lives but I do think default empathy levels differ from person to person and probably don’t change unless that person takes a step back at some point to self-reflect.
Anyway, I’m just wondering if people who aren’t naturally empathetic are less likely to expect empathy when they’re in a difficult situation? Are these the types to just pull their socks up and get on with it and not expect everyone to be busy trying to empathise with them, send them flowers etc etc. Sounds like a silly question just typing it out but I’m generally curious.

Personally I believe that those with less empathy still understand the social mechanisms of the emotion and reasoning associated with it. Since they lack empathy they cannot correspond their behaviour with the person withdrawing from them emotionally. Therefore they are likely to feel umbrage to this lack of care

I’m not very empathetic.

When I had a miscarriage I appreciated the flowers etc I received, I did not want people’s sympathy in conversations though.

I didn’t feel very emotional about the whole thing and hated the idea that others thought I should be and were accordingly empathetic.

So in my case, while I appreciate empathetic gestures, I didn’t need, want or expect them.

Yes, they want empathy but not good at expressing it. Autism mostly from my experience in my child and partner. Dog adores me.

The people in my life who have lacked empathy when I’ve had difficult times have definitely expected empathy (actually demanded it) when they were in difficulties. They show zero understanding and support for me, but expect me to drop everything and fuss over them when it’s their turn.

DH lacks empathy but doesn't expect it either. In fact it annoys him.

Empathy isn't black and white though. I might empathise with some situations but not others.

Current trend is that Empathy is Good - but it's actually very selective - and we are all only really empathetic if it's something we identify with, can understand and approve of.
If you're very ill I will be empathetic. If you're making a fuss about nothing I won't. (Especially as my DH is currently seriously ill)

If Mrs X is struggling to pay for private school and might have to move her child she gets short shrift on here - in spite of clear distress, upset child, impact on family.

I'd guess that it depends on the reason the person seems unempathetic.

If they're an "Oh well, it's crap but that's life and you just get on with it without making a fuss don't you" kind of a person, and they apply that thinking to themselves as well as to everyone else, then they probably wouldn't expect empathy, though they might appreciate it.

If they don't like being treated the way people often act when they're trying to demonstrate empathy (maybe they get annoyed by unwanted expressions of concern and sympathy, or feel like offers of help are implying they're incapable, or whatever), then they might act as though they're unempathetic because they're treating others the way they'd like to be treated.

If they act unempathetic because they genuinely can't interpret and don't understand your emotions, but would want to help you if someone explicitly told them, that probably doesn't have much bearing on whether they'd want your empathy.

If they don't care about you and don't want to put themselves out for you because they feel you're less important than them, then I suppose the corollary of that is that they'd expect you to go all-out on caring for them at the drop of a hat.

There's probably lots of reasons someone might not seem empathetic to you, and lots of ways that might or might not correlate with the level or type of empathetic behaviour they'd expect or want from others

Some people are not good at recognizing/ expressing emotions. It might not be the lack of empathy but rather lack of social experience, poor language skills etc. They don’t expect empathy in difficult situations because it’s not something they know about. They really appreciate when they’ve got it and actually learn from examples.
some people might be less emotional about certain things which are not their priorities, therefore they don’t expect fuss from others.
There are people who are selfish and self centred. They don’t care about others much and only care about themselves. They demand a lot of empathy from others, because they think that they should be the centre of attention.
It is difficult to say from your post to what group your friends belong and therefore what their expectations are.

This is are my personal view based on my friends and relatives.

I think that a lot of those situations where people feel empathy - bereavement, miscarriage, relationship breakdown - expressing it to the person concerned is quite a risky activity. Emotions are running high. It's easy to do the wrong thing and end up being the scapegoat for all that negative emotion . (Remember the woman who had lost her daughter and was so angry at receiving well intentioned Christmas cards 3 years later?) And how it's taken is often coloured by who's doing the talking. as well as what they say.

So you might be feeling empathetic thoughts but just kept putting off doing what they ought to do because they don't know how it's going to land because it's an advanced level emotional interaction & they don't feel qualified! I am sorry to say have walked around with sympathy cards in my bag for weeks then binned them.

Of course a truly lovely person wouldn't think like this. But they probably have had lots of good examples to follow growing up . They would be at ease and wouldn't even have any notion that interactions going wrong like this.

Two of the men in my family struggle with empathy. They have to concentrate and really work hard at their thinking in order to recognise that a family member is upset and needs an empathetic response from them. If a family member is overwhelmed these men are more likely to flee than to comfort. I suspect there are autistic traits here. But, once they have understood the situation and what they can do, they can be very empathetic.

Conversely, they are very unlikely to look for empathy when they are distressed. They generally just shut down and get on with things.

This is very different to people who lack empathy because they do not really believe that others' feelings matter. The narcissistic types. They certainly expect empathy from others.

i'm not that empathetic and i don't expect empathy in return. maybe a tiny bit of acknowledgment but certainly not flowers/shower gel/and loofa.
i do push myself to get on with life and responsibilities and expect the same from others unfortunately.
my parents were like this and i expect the same of my children.
that's not to say i don't sympathize or understand how challenging things are BUT i expect genuine effort and progress.

I think in some cases, yes, there are people who are emotional vampires, people who take and have a sense of entitlement to the care of others. It's a narcissistic trait.

In other cases, there are people who haven't ever experienced a miscarriage, the sudden death of a family member, cancer, betrayal by a spouse, etc, and don't know if or how to respond when that happens to someone in their circle. Combine that with diffidence and you get radio silence.

I dont equate sending flowers with empathy.

The flower trade is barbaric

I equate sending flowers with appalling lack of empathy.

Sending flowers is quite often funding an industry that destroys poor women's health to give rich women something pointless to look at, normally as a substitute for genuine social interaction.

I don't call that "empathy"- I call it an insane level of privilege expressed by the socially inadequate

I think the two aren't connected. I'm an empathetic person, but I don't really like to receive empathy and prefer to manage things on my own. My Ex-husband never showed empathy but expected to receive empathy when he was sick or going through a bad time. However, I do think some people neither give nor like to receive empathy and others who give and expect to receive empathy.

Hi everyone, I’ve somehow managed to duplicate this thread in the relationships section. There responses there may also be of interest https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4778916-do-people-who-lack-empathy-expect-empathy?page=3&reply=125224475