My sob story

[TurmoilDreams]

I was a child with teenage parents, who separated before I was born. Met my dad at 1yr old, who left again shortly after. Saw him at 10yr old, asked him why he had "holes in his arms" he said "because I'm a bad man" (heroin). He disappeared again. Until I was 17yr old when I found him on Facebook.
In the years since he's come and gone out of my life, years at a time he would just dissappear. I'm 32 now.
I have a sister I've never met. She's a teenager now. He hasn't tried to contact me in around 5 years...and I don't know why.
I messaged him a few days after new years eve "is it easy not knowing me and your grandkids?". No reply. Nothing. Just like always when he disappears.

For a long time I felt like there was somethin wrong with me? Why was I never enough?
My whole life I've looked for "fatherly" guidance. I had a step-dad from age 5 to age 16ish who completely ghosted me when him a drink my mum split up. He'd come to see his kids, my younger siblings. And acted like i wasnt there. Wouldn't even look at me.

My mum has her own issues, her angry outbursts still haunt me, but other than that I became invisible as she had more children. I learnt to bury my problems as there was no one willing or stable enough to help me.

I've had years of struggles with myself in my head, only these past few years I've felt stable and at peace. But still, creeping back to haunt me, wonder why my dad doesn't want to be my dad.
Did I say something he didn't like? Did I look too much like my mum? Why is it so easy to act like I don't exist? Why can't I just forget about all of this?

I'm a mother now. I have 5 beautiful children. I'm not with my oldest 2s dad, but due to my experience, I do all I can to nurture their relationships with him. With my partner I have had 2 with the bonus of 1 he had already.

I don't mean to sound self pitying. I'm okay really. I'm not sure what the purpose of this post is. I guess I just wanted to share my story.

When him and my mum split up* that was meant to say

It’s okay to not be okay. And you can be okay as an adult but still have childhood wounds which need attention.

Look up Dr Gabor Maté and Nicole Sachs (her Instagram is good) - might help give some words to what you’re feeling and the attention you need.

Did I say something he didn't like? Did I look too much like my mum? Why is it so easy to act like I don't exist? Why can't I just forget about all of this?

you’ve got to feel it to heal it. This is all those feelings/beliefs from the past that need to be felt. It’s often when you’re in a more stable/safe place in life that this stuff bubbles up.

Thank you for your reply, I know Dr gabor mate, I love his mind.
I think the worst part of it is the unknowing if he'll all of a sudden get in contact again like he has in the past. Like a wound that won't heal. In limbo.
I'd rather he just say he doesn't care, than disappear like he does.

creeping back to haunt me, wonder why my dad doesn't want to be my dad.
Did I say something he didn't like? Did I look too much like my mum? Why is it so easy to act like I don't exist? Why can't I just forget about all of this?

First thing to realise is that it's nothing to do with you, not who you were as a child or who you are now. When we are young we see everything in relation to ourselves because we don't have the capacity to be objective and rational.

Your biological father obviously had serious problems then (and maybe still does) so this may be why he's stayed away - maybe through shame and embarrassment. Maybe he had a bad childhood himself and doesn't know how to be a parent, maybe he feels it's too late or maybe he's simply a bad person - whatever the answer it's 100% him, 0% you.

The same could well be said about your stepfather, although it's possible that his actions were more to do with his relationship with your mother - ignoring you as an extension of her without considering what the impact would have on the child.

I would hazard a guess that there's still a part of your subconscious mind that is thinking as a hurt and confused child, looking for solutions to a problem that was the responsibility of the adults. Sadly there is probably no answer now so it's OK to let it go and accept that the people in your childhood were flawed (and human) but that it wasn't anything that you did or didn't do.

Thank you eyesopenwideawake,
It's just hard to accept.
Most of the time it doesn't bother me, until it does. Life is hard right now, maybe it's come back to remind me because I'm feeling vulnerable already.
I'm sick of life right now.

I'm so sorry. If you have time, have a peek at my AMA on remedial hypnosis and let me know if you think it might work for you.

Always remember that your record for getting through bad days currently stands at 100%.

It's tough. It really is

But when you think these thoughts, you're allowing a drug addict to live rent-free in your head. And what for? What does that bring you apart from pain?

You've learnt so much from your fathers treatment of you, and one of the things that you've learned is to make sure that you are a brilliant parent

Without his cruelty, that might not have happened to the extent it has

He allowed drugs to make him into a bad parent

Please don't allow him to make you into an unhappy person